Post # 1
Hubby and I recently celebrated our 1-year anniversary just this past month.Yay! In the first year of marriage we experienced many things: moving in together for the first time, travelling across the world, uprooting and starting a new life because of his job in a new. We both have stable jobs and make a decent income.
We’ve discussed the topic of having kids many time, and the outcome of it was that we’d wait a couple of years. I’m older than him by 2 years: i’m 28, he’s 26, so my biological clock is ticking much faster than his. The other night, I brought up the topic again to see if we could plan to TTC starting next year, so that I can have a kid before I was 30 (personal preference). But he kept insisting that he wasn’t ready. He’s just not ready to give up being able to go out when he wants, and operating on his own schedule.
We had a pregnancy scare just a few weeks ago where there was a possibility that I could have been pregnant (unplanned) and when I asked him how he would feel if I really was pregnant, he said he was ready. But now he’s not?
I can understand if he’s not ready, and I’m sure as heck not going to pressure him. But how do I deal with the urge of wanting to start a family, when I can’t? I often have thoughts of having my own child, when I see my nieces and nephew. Or when I hear of friends who have recently given birth and or are pregnant. And Somedays, the urge to want to have a kid is stronger. How do I cope with having to wait until he’s ready? Will he ever be ready?
Post # 3
@m3ssy: So sorry for you. This is something very difficult to deal with. Last cycle me and my husband took a month off TTC because he had a work problem (which is now thankfully resolved). Even stopping for one month was hell for me and I was horrible to him (ashamed to admit). I dont know what to say to help you, other than I know how hard it is and I am really sorry.
I know you will try not to pressure him, but actually being able to do that is so hard, sadly.
I would seriously plan to do somethings in the next year that you would not be able to do with a newborn, like visit a winery go on a girls trip etc.
Post # 4
I can totally understand not wanting to have kids at 26. If you agreed before to wait a couple years, and you’ve been married for a year, then you might just want to let things lie and bring it up again next year. He’s not going to be ready any faster under lots of pressure — and you want him to be excited, too. It will be so much better that way!
I’ve had to a bit for my husband to want to have kids (over 3 years). We’re 31 now and he’s started to get excited. Yay!! Maybe next summer we’ll go for it — that’s the rough plan. It was worth the wait. I did get testy now and then, I’ll be honest. But, there are so many things that are wonderful about not having kids, too. I just remind myself of them. (And then I see cute kids playing outside and get all mushy . . .)
Post # 5
Thanks for the hugs! We do have my best friend’s destination wedding next May, so that definitely helps to make the wait bearable. But I guess what would have made it easier for me is if he had some plan in place, so I know that it’s something that he’s looking forward to as well, and even something he’s working towards. I mean he wants to achieve a few things before wanting to try, but setting a timeline would definitely help me manage my expectations and help me to be on the same page as him. But for now, I don’t see light at the otherowns of the tunnel. I don’t know what to expect. Is planning ahead something men don’t really do?
Post # 6
Thanks for your support! I guess I’ll just keep things to myself and keep waiting patiently. I know it’ll be worth the wait, when he is just as excited as I will be. But until then I’ll just try to remind myself of the positive things about not having kids. 🙂
Post # 7
DH and I went through this. I finally sat him down and asked that we come up with a timeline. It helped me to know it was coming. Then we came up with a bucket list of things we wanted to do before then and that helped him feel less like he was giving up a lot.
That said, I was 25 when we married and he was 27. It’s 2 years later and we are finally TTC 🙂
Post # 8
if you feel like being proactive would make you feel better, you could start tracking your cycles to see what your body is up to. I did this for the year pre-TTC, when I was ready and hubby wasn’t, and now that we are trying (and unfortunately have been unsuccessful for almost a year) the info that i collected back then is priceless. Even if everything is good to go, you will know when to time things for optimal chance of pregnancy – perfect for when you get the go-ahead 🙂
Post # 9
I feel you, because I was in the same position over the last year or so. It’s really hard, but keep having conversations about it and try to hang in there- soon you’ll be on the same page, or close to it:) I second what hamikay said- I told DH I was going off the pill to prep my body & we used condoms. I really got to know my cycles and lots about ttc (thanks to the baby boards!) and when we did try, I got pg the first month. Sadly, it ended in MC… & now we’re TTC once again:) Good luck, everything will work out!
Post # 10
Oh duh, I should have recommended charting, too — and reading Taking Charge of Your Fertility, whether or not you want to chart. It’s really comforting to know your lady bits are working as they should while you wait. I also went off the pill waaayyy in advance — almost a year ago, now. I didn’t start ovulating for over four months, so it was nice to not be TTC right away. And, it is kinda fun to know we could have an oops . . . not that I would do anything to bring that about.
Waiting does suck, though. I hear you.
Post # 11
@m3ssy: There is a difference between making yourself ready in the face of pregnancy now, that was unplanned, and actually planning for and starting “the end of your life as you know it”.
He was ready when he thought that the ball was already rolling. But as it is not, he’s not ready to get it rolling himself.
Just remember that you spoke about waiting a few years and now for him it feels like you’ve only been married a year before wanting children.
I think that @missrain: had some really good advice.
Just try and enjoy all the things you can’t with children/when pregnant. Every time you get the baby urge, have a glass of wine. 😛
Post # 12
I remember being with my ex and talking about kids… My heart broke when he said: I never want to have kids. That was a big deal breaker for me. I broke up with him and a few months later he came back to me saying that he did want the wedding and kids and what not. After that things were ok until I mentionned kids again…. and he got all *bleh* on me again (without really saying the words I don’t want kids). That Christmas he broke up with me because I was way too ahead of him (*and his aunt thought so too and we had a huge conversation over coffee about this).My ex was 6 years older than me
When I met my DH, I was so afraid of what his thoughts were on kids… A month after we started dating I got pregnant… I knew DH was not ready for kids, so I waited a little before saying anything and miscarried. I told him a few months after that *and it was hard keeping that from him and everyone else for that matter*. He tried to make me feel better but it slipped that he wasn’t ready for kids now. Eventually, yes. But now, NO!
2 years later, the conversation came up, and he said no, still not ready. I asked why and he told me it was because he is afraid of being a horrible father!!!! I told him that was a silly reason to not be ready. I gave him all the reasons why he would be an awesome father and he kissed me and said ” Lets have a baby”.
I’m still afraid of him going back on the idea, but we have been trying for about 8 months without success on our own, and at every cycle I ask him ” are you sure?” and he always says “yes, because you will guide me to be the best father”. He is 8 months older then me.
All that to say, maybe he just fears what kind of father he will be. You may have to tell him exactly how you feel or else you will end up resenting the fact that he is not letting you go forward with what you are ready for.
Post # 13
I feel your pain! I could have written your post, OP. I am 29 and hubby is a year younger than me. I’m desperate to have a baby and he is not quite there yet. I went off the pill recently (which he was not thrilled about but said it was my choice) and have been charting so I know my body pretty well by now. The good thing is we have at least agreed on a timeline, to start trying in 2013. Of course, I would rather start at the beginning of the year and he would probably rather wait until closer to the end, so we will have to come to a compromise…it’s tough waiting especially when 30 seems to be looming close and you hear scary stories about so many women with infertility and you never know if when the time comes your journey to motherhood will be quick and easy or long and difficult. As others said, just hang in, I guess it is all we can do – enjoy being babyfree while you can and keep up regular discussions (without pressuring, maybe every other month or so) with your DH to see if he is getting closer to being ready 🙂
Post # 14
What a relief to find this post, it is such a comfort to know that I am not alone in what I am going through.
I’m in a similar place to OP – we are both 28 years old, just got married last month. For me, 30 has also been the age when I had absolutely pictured myself having a kid. However, DH is now saying he does not want to start trying before 30 and I’m pretty confused about how I feel about it. His reason to me seems really silly (none of our friends have kids- so what?!).
On the other hand, I’m not feeling very baby crazy in the sense that I really want a baby. I just think the time is right given my age and my family medical history (people in my family do not live long so I’d like my kids to have a chance to meet their grandparents and also have a mother to a decent age). I’m also worried about fertility issues.
So on one hand, I feel a little resentfull that he wants to wait 2 more years. On the other, I’m thinking maybe it is better I wait until I get that baby craving feeling. What do you all think
Post # 15
I don’t know why you would let him dictate when you guys are going to have children. People get married and have children – that’s the way these things work. If he didn’t want a family, he shouldn’t have gotten married. My father was the same – he thought he never wanted to have kids. That didn’t stop my mother. She just had kids and we are all happy about it, my father probably the happiest!
I know it sounds terrible, but don’t wait too long. Trust me, I see too many women who waited and waited and then realised they waited too long…
Post # 16
I don’t think he ever said he doesn’t want a family he only said he isn’t ready right now. 26 is young for most men to want a family. And not everyone just get’s married and has kids. Some people want to enjoy marriage and their youth a little longer before children come into the picture which sounds like how he feels.
I feel for you. I was ready a little sooner than my husband. What I suggest is start getting your body “baby ready” in the mean time. Read taking charge of your fertility, chart if you want, start taking a prenatal, eating healthy and exercising. Make some doctors appointments like the dentist, annual exams- just anything to get you to where you are healthiest so that when it is time to try you are top notch:) It will make you feel like your moving in the right direction instead of at a standstill. Also I suggest discussing a timeline that you both agree on. Once my husband and I set a timeline I felt much better and even excited to have a countdown and mroe motivated to get stuff done. I also love the PP comment on making a bucket list of things you both want to do in the mean time!