(Closed) How to de-bridesmaid someone

posted 4 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
1257 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

acw2016:  I read both posts, and I totally agree with your approach. I haven’t dealt with this personally but it sounds like you’ve always had reservations about her. Since it’s well establsihed that she isn’t a friend, she’s a gf of a groomsman, I can’t imagine anyone but her and her friends having a problem. Go for it. 

She sounds like person who likes being the center of attentions so I’d expect her to take this opportunity to cause a scene. Don’t fall for it or get upset. Just repeat what you said “So sorry that you broke up but I don’t feel comfortable having you stand as a bridesmaid” and move on. This is your day and now you don’t have to worry about any unfaithfulness drama. Stay stong Bee and surround yourself with the people you want on your wedding day!

Post # 4
Member
1257 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

acw2016:  Of course! Planning a wedding is stressful enough. The only thing this girl is going to bring to your wedding is drama and unhappiness. I’d do exactly what you’re planning. Wait a few months and let the seperation sink in and just sort of let her fade out organically. I’d wait to say anything to your “alternate” just to see how it plays out. Luckily, it sounds like you’ve got some awesome other BMs so just enjoy them and forget about Cheater McStressor!

Post # 5
Member
190 posts
Blushing bee

acw2016:  damn that ruined Flintstones for me. Wilma that whore!

Yeah you don’t need any shit like this at your wedding. Heck you don’t even need this on any other day either.  Even if she did stay your bridesmaid, it’s hard telling which suitor she’d bring as her date…then she’d probably end up cheating on him with Fred the ex…then probably try to screw around with the officiant or Father-In-Law or some shit.  

If she’s that callous and uncaring toward Fred who loved her, then imagine what she’s capable of doing to you, someone who she isn’t that close to.  You sound like you’ve got a good plan…just tell her it’s not going to work out with all of the drama.  

Maybe even turn it around on her by saying how worried you are for her and how you don’t want to burden her with any additional stress associated with being a bridesmaid aftee what she’s been through…or how you don’t want to cause any unnecessary heartache for her having to endure a wedding so shortly after her relationship’s demise…

Post # 6
Member
7644 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

acw2016:  You only de-bridesmaid someone if you’re prepared to end the friendship. In this case, it sounds like the friendship with Wilma is over anyway, so yes, de-bridesmaid her.

There’s nothing wrong with exes being the bridal party if they’re both friends of bride and groom respectively (because the bridesmaids and groomsmen don’t need to interact much), but Wilma doesn’t sound like she’s your friend.

Lesson: only ask friends to be in the bridal party, not friends’ partners.

Post # 7
Member
1471 posts
Bumble bee

This is why you don’t ask someone to be a bridesmaid based on who they’re dating.

Post # 8
Member
2970 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

SaraJeanQ:  one of my bridesmaids asked her brothers girlfriend to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, because she had asked her other bros fiancé and didn’t want to leave her out. They broke up 4 days before the wedding and she dropped out. 

Post # 9
Member
902 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

SaraJeanQ:  This, exactly.  I don’t really understand choosing bridal parties based on people who are dating.  I think they should be the people you and your Fiance are closest to!

OP, I think you are handling the situation exactly the way you should.  Let the dust settle for now, no sense stirring things up during a super emotional time when there is so much time leading up to the wedding.

 

Post # 10
Member
4233 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom

I de-bridesmaided TWO girls actually….but it was for a different reason. They were former roommates, and I misjudged the friendship situation (as in I thought we were friends, but they treated me like I was their ‘pet’ or ‘project’). The kicker was they begged to be bridesmaids, then went around telling people that I begged them, and they only took the role because they felt sorry for me. Yeah…wasn’t going to fly. They hadn’t been doing anything to help me anyways, and I had to CHASE them for everything. I just stopped chasing them. It took them FIVE months to notice…by then it was pretty obvious to them what had happened. There was never a showdown, fight, or even conversation. They just aknowledged (via a single email from both of them) that they understood they were nolonger bridesmaids, and that they wanted back in. I replied back “no”. That was that.

My Darling Husband had to ask a groomsman to step down. We found proof that he had stolen several hundred dollars from us…I don’t want to get into why and how. When my Darling Husband confronted him, he admitted it. My Darling Husband told him very bluntly that he was nolonger a groomsman. If he paid us back, he could still come to the wedding as a GUEST and we wouldn’t tell our other friends what happened (we are a tight knit group, and Darling Husband had been friends with theiving groomsman since they were babies). The now former groomsman accepted the conditions. We never saw him again after that night. After two months of not hearing a peep from him, and being unable to reach him, we wrote off the money and told the rest of our friends what happened, and why he wouldn’t be around anymore. None of us have seen or heard from him, and it’s been over a year now.

Asking someone to step down is rough.

Post # 11
Member
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Plus one for “Wilma you whore!” I actually lol’d. 

k0rtnei:  

Post # 13
Member
2734 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I wouldn’t even say she could come as a guest. I mean, let’s be honest… I doubt they’ll stay that good of friends for him to bring her as his date. Your wedding is 11 months away, I’m sure he’ll find someone else to bring by then. It will only cause more drama de-bridesmaiding her and having her come as a guest with the guy she cheated on? Nope.

They aren’t telling you directly because they probably don’t want you to de-bridesmaid her but too bad. Especially since you two were never really friends I’d just tell her “given the current situation, I think it’s best for you to no longer be in our bridal party. I wish you well” and send her on her merry way. I wouldn’t involve myself with her anymore.

Post # 15
Member
11945 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I agree that you brought this on yourself by choosing someone you would not feel loyal to regardless of who she was dating. I don’t think the question is about asking her to step down as your bridesmaid as it is about the friendship. You feel that the relationship is more or less over, which is understandable under the circumstances.  If that’s the case, you should be just be honest and tell her that because of all that has happened, you feel it’s best to go your separate ways.  

I think it’s hypocritical to invite her as a “regular” guest. If she’s still your friend you wouldn’t demote her. If she’s not, you shouldn’t invite her.  

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