Post # 1
Don’t bother reading or commenting on this post until you have read my post from last week… http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/story-time-bridesmaid-drama-long/
It’s been over a month since this girl cheated on her boyfriend (the most recent time). He has finally broken up with her. Despite all of the advice & sympathy my fiance & I have had for him, he didn’t even tell us himself that they broke up. I heard it from another one of the groomsmen.
When this other groomsmen told my fiance & I this, I responded with “Good for him, at least now I don’t have to have her be my bridesmaid now.” He looked shocked & said “No way she has to be your bridesmaid! They both told me they’re gonna stay friends & she can still be in the bridal party!” Sorry what???!!! Our wedding is 11 months away. I appreciate that they are going to attempt to stay friends but come on really…?
Whether or not they are able to maintain a friendship, I don’t want the drama that comes with this. I asked her to be my bridesmaid in the first place bc we do couples stuff together with them every now & then. That will obviously no longer be happening, & before you ask, no, her & I don’t hang out one-on-one… ever.
Since neither of them have mentioned anything to my fiance & I (the groomsmen is one of his best friends) about the break-up we are just waiting it out to see if they bring it up. I don’t want to rub salt in the wound of their brand new break-up, so I’m going to wait a few months before I talk with her. I plan on politely telling her I’m sorry that she’s been going through the break-up & I am fine with her attending the wedding as this groomsman’s guest (if they are still friends by then), but I don’t think it’s appropriate for her to be my bridesmaid regarding the current situation. I don’t think that is so bad right??
Post # 2
acw2016: I read both posts, and I totally agree with your approach. I haven’t dealt with this personally but it sounds like you’ve always had reservations about her. Since it’s well establsihed that she isn’t a friend, she’s a gf of a groomsman, I can’t imagine anyone but her and her friends having a problem. Go for it.
She sounds like person who likes being the center of attentions so I’d expect her to take this opportunity to cause a scene. Don’t fall for it or get upset. Just repeat what you said “So sorry that you broke up but I don’t feel comfortable having you stand as a bridesmaid” and move on. This is your day and now you don’t have to worry about any unfaithfulness drama. Stay stong Bee and surround yourself with the people you want on your wedding day!
Post # 3
seejanebee: Thank you, your response makes me feel better! I know I would look back at my wedding & pics & regret having her as a bridesmaid. None of my friends like her & ironically the girl I almost asked to be my bridesmaid in place of her, has been hanging out with me & my friends so much more over the past few months.
Post # 4
acw2016: Of course! Planning a wedding is stressful enough. The only thing this girl is going to bring to your wedding is drama and unhappiness. I’d do exactly what you’re planning. Wait a few months and let the seperation sink in and just sort of let her fade out organically. I’d wait to say anything to your “alternate” just to see how it plays out. Luckily, it sounds like you’ve got some awesome other BMs so just enjoy them and forget about Cheater McStressor!
Post # 5
acw2016: damn that ruined Flintstones for me. Wilma that whore!
Yeah you don’t need any shit like this at your wedding. Heck you don’t even need this on any other day either. Even if she did stay your bridesmaid, it’s hard telling which suitor she’d bring as her date…then she’d probably end up cheating on him with Fred the ex…then probably try to screw around with the officiant or Father-In-Law or some shit.
If she’s that callous and uncaring toward Fred who loved her, then imagine what she’s capable of doing to you, someone who she isn’t that close to. You sound like you’ve got a good plan…just tell her it’s not going to work out with all of the drama.
Maybe even turn it around on her by saying how worried you are for her and how you don’t want to burden her with any additional stress associated with being a bridesmaid aftee what she’s been through…or how you don’t want to cause any unnecessary heartache for her having to endure a wedding so shortly after her relationship’s demise…
Post # 6
acw2016: You only de-bridesmaid someone if you’re prepared to end the friendship. In this case, it sounds like the friendship with Wilma is over anyway, so yes, de-bridesmaid her.
There’s nothing wrong with exes being the bridal party if they’re both friends of bride and groom respectively (because the bridesmaids and groomsmen don’t need to interact much), but Wilma doesn’t sound like she’s your friend.
Lesson: only ask friends to be in the bridal party, not friends’ partners.
Post # 7
This is why you don’t ask someone to be a bridesmaid based on who they’re dating.
Post # 8
SaraJeanQ: one of my bridesmaids asked her brothers girlfriend to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, because she had asked her other bros fiancé and didn’t want to leave her out. They broke up 4 days before the wedding and she dropped out.
Post # 9
SaraJeanQ: This, exactly. I don’t really understand choosing bridal parties based on people who are dating. I think they should be the people you and your Fiance are closest to!
OP, I think you are handling the situation exactly the way you should. Let the dust settle for now, no sense stirring things up during a super emotional time when there is so much time leading up to the wedding.
Post # 10
- Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom
I de-bridesmaided TWO girls actually….but it was for a different reason. They were former roommates, and I misjudged the friendship situation (as in I thought we were friends, but they treated me like I was their ‘pet’ or ‘project’). The kicker was they begged to be bridesmaids, then went around telling people that I begged them, and they only took the role because they felt sorry for me. Yeah…wasn’t going to fly. They hadn’t been doing anything to help me anyways, and I had to CHASE them for everything. I just stopped chasing them. It took them FIVE months to notice…by then it was pretty obvious to them what had happened. There was never a showdown, fight, or even conversation. They just aknowledged (via a single email from both of them) that they understood they were nolonger bridesmaids, and that they wanted back in. I replied back “no”. That was that.
My Darling Husband had to ask a groomsman to step down. We found proof that he had stolen several hundred dollars from us…I don’t want to get into why and how. When my Darling Husband confronted him, he admitted it. My Darling Husband told him very bluntly that he was nolonger a groomsman. If he paid us back, he could still come to the wedding as a GUEST and we wouldn’t tell our other friends what happened (we are a tight knit group, and Darling Husband had been friends with theiving groomsman since they were babies). The now former groomsman accepted the conditions. We never saw him again after that night. After two months of not hearing a peep from him, and being unable to reach him, we wrote off the money and told the rest of our friends what happened, and why he wouldn’t be around anymore. None of us have seen or heard from him, and it’s been over a year now.
Asking someone to step down is rough.
Post # 11
Plus one for “Wilma you whore!” I actually lol’d.
Post # 12
k0rtnei: Hahahaha you’re hilarious. Yeah, if she were to remain a bridesmaid it puts me in an awkward position if she were to bring a date herself… Didn’t think of that. Just awkward all around.
aussiemum1248: SaraJeanQ: danier: MrsWhitneyC2015: Yeah I’m prepared to end the friendship bc we were just ‘couples friends’ if that makes sense. And I get where you’re coming from about choosing BMs based on who they’re dating. However this couple was together for 5.5 years & Fred & I were looking at engagement rings for Wilma. That’s how serious it was. Not a single one of us ever thought they would really break up. My Future Mother-In-Law even made a joke at my engagement party when I asked her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man “Ok now Wilma, you & Fred can’t break up for over a year!! Haha” But that jinxed it hahaha.
snowflake8: Wow that is such a hard situation. I’m glad you didn’t have to deal with much confrontation on the Bridesmaid or Best Man side of things.
Post # 13
I wouldn’t even say she could come as a guest. I mean, let’s be honest… I doubt they’ll stay that good of friends for him to bring her as his date. Your wedding is 11 months away, I’m sure he’ll find someone else to bring by then. It will only cause more drama de-bridesmaiding her and having her come as a guest with the guy she cheated on? Nope.
They aren’t telling you directly because they probably don’t want you to de-bridesmaid her but too bad. Especially since you two were never really friends I’d just tell her “given the current situation, I think it’s best for you to no longer be in our bridal party. I wish you well” and send her on her merry way. I wouldn’t involve myself with her anymore.
Post # 14
SoonAsYouCan: Very good point. I’m not going to entertain the “you can be his guest if he chooses” thing. Thank you!
Post # 15
I agree that you brought this on yourself by choosing someone you would not feel loyal to regardless of who she was dating. I don’t think the question is about asking her to step down as your bridesmaid as it is about the friendship. You feel that the relationship is more or less over, which is understandable under the circumstances. If that’s the case, you should be just be honest and tell her that because of all that has happened, you feel it’s best to go your separate ways.
I think it’s hypocritical to invite her as a “regular” guest. If she’s still your friend you wouldn’t demote her. If she’s not, you shouldn’t invite her.