(Closed) How to deal with a fiancé who made out with another girl

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 62
Member
315 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2020

I echo what PPs said, this choice is truly yours to make. But my opinion? I would cut my losses. Marriage is serious. It’s not a life-threatening situation, but if you were in a life-threatening situation would you want your SO to screw up? No. Consistency matters. If I could say that my dog is more loyal to me than my SO, then something’s drastically wrong.

I’ve been in relationships where I was cheated on by my ex-husband and my ex-BF. It isn’t a good feeling to know that they were doing something with some other person. I was never 100%, but I saw online correspondences and they were out late at night. I personally felt like a doormat when I let it happen. It didn’t make me feel proud one bit and it didn’t make me feel like myself.

So when I did break up with them, on my terms, I felt empowered again. What your Fiance did was disrespectful. And it does take a lot to cheat. I never did it myself, but there are plenty of steps to take before you get to the point of kissing or being in bed with someone.

Personally I think he slept with the girl. Give a man a hand and he’ll want the arm next.

Post # 63
Member
1066 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@lolot:  This!

Im sorry that happend. If your relationship is otherwise great and you feel he is truly sorry then I don’t think you should rush to end things.  yes he was an idiot and majorly messed up but it was just a drunken kiss that stopped at that and didn’t last very long.

Some people will disagree with me but I don’t feel a kiss is worth ending an engagement over. I would be very upset and he would have to work his butt off to build trust with me again,  people make mistakes, he didn’t make out with her for an extended period of time or sleep with her and he was honest about it. If the rest of your relationship is great then I think it’s worth it to try and work on things and see if you can move past it.

I recommend holding off on wedding planning for now until you can figure out what you want to do. 

Only you can decide what will make you happy. Asking for advice is great, different perspectives can be helpful just make sure you whatever you decide is your decision and not just what you think everyone else would want you to do. 

I used to believe “once a cheater, always a cheater” but I don’t anymore(I haven’t been cheated on but close friends have), no one is perfect in any facet of life. 

Side note: if he had slept with her or even been making out with her ALL night I would be on “Team dump his a$$”.  Your issue isn’t  black/white it’s mucky grey.

*hugs* good luck figuring out what will make you happy.

Post # 64
Member
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

is this his first strike?  If so then I’d consider postponing your wedding etc and taking some time to work things out and see if you can move on from this.  If he’s made a habit of this then I’d show him the door.  Previous posters are correct when they say he shouldn’t have been in this situation in the first place and he should never have allowed any girl to lie with him except you.  On the plus side he told you about it.  I’d forgiven my Fiance for a different betrayal of my trust and we’re stronger than ever so you can get through it if you can both move past it x

 

Good luck, I know you must be really hurting atmx

Post # 65
Member
359 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through this. My thoughts are with you.

Ultimately, you are the only person that can decide what is right for you. I would consider if you think you will be able to regain trust with your Fiance, and if it is possible to get to a place where you can feel secure in your relationship despite this incident. If you are considering staying with him, couples counseling could he helpful. Your Fiance also needs to learn what situations he just can’t be in as part of a couple.

I know there are many couples who have survived such betrayals of trust and come out stronger. I’m not recommending one way or another, but I want you to know if you do think things through and decide to stay with him, it is a valid decision.

Post # 66
Member
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

It really is up to you. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I would walk away from this relationship myself. I think people easily try to chalk stuff like this up to a drunken mistake. I’m not sure about anyone else here, but when I’ve been drunk I don’t make out with randoms. Why would I? I love my husband. He’s the one I come home to and he’s the one I want no matter what. Same thing with DH, we manage to stay faithful when drunk. Sorry, it’s not like all bets are off when you’re drunk. I don’t believe that for a second.

Your guy doesn’t sound like he’s ready for marriage at all. If anything, hold off on the wedding planning and if you feel this relationship is worth fighting for, then see if you can work through this. I just can’t imagine how you’d feel comfortable with him drinking with buddies after this.

Post # 67
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I think you need to get more information – maybe he is just copping to kissing, but more happened.. how can you be sure now?

Post # 68
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I think a kiss is forgivable. Was it a mistake yes. But in his drunken haze he was still able to realize it was a mistake and stop himself before the situation went into unforgivable territory. He also came clean and told you about it because he knew it was wrong and wanted to promise you that he would never get that drunk or act that stupid again. He didn’t have to tell you. He could have slept with her. He could have slept with her and then not told you. But no he wanted to do the right thing. He stopped and he told you about it the next day even though he knew it would make you angry and that he would have to deal with the fall out. This is someone that you loved enough to want to spend the rest of your life with. Are you really prepared to throw that away because of a drunken kiss?

Post # 69
Member
869 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

 

@FutureMrsAch: +1

Getting drunk is not a free for all, sorry. Too many people use it as an excuse – it’s not.

Post # 70
Member
263 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Who is to say this won’t happen again once you are married? Obviously he cannot handle his liqour and making out at a club is a bad thing but they laid down and made out. It is like someone who had sex while they were drunk and said they were too drunk to stop. From laying down to taking the clothes off, or whatever it may be, the person has thoughts that this is wrong and they should stop. I cannot say whether you should leave him or not, but I wouldn’t want to marry someone who made this mistake on a seemingly innocent night and for it to happen again once you are married. And where the heck were his friends to not interfere?

Post # 71
Member
2961 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’d be really upset if DH put himself in a situation like that, and that’s a huge problem to me.  I cannot imagine if DH put himself in a situation with a drunken girl where he was hanging out and laying down with her and then kissing her.  When you’re engaged, you don’t allow yourself to even enter into those scenarios.  I wouldn’t be able to get past this.  I’m so sorry you’re going through this.  Big hugs.

Post # 72
Member
875 posts
Busy bee

I thought this happened to me the other day…my boyfriend claimed that he kissed a guy, and I felt it was true because he’s bisexual and had been thinking about guys a lot lately in our long distance relationship. But, as it turns out, he kissed a male NPC in a video game. Never mind!

But all personal confusion aside, I can’t get any cut and dry advice. In this situation, I’d take a step back and see how I feel about the whole situation. Are you able to trust him again?

Post # 73
Member
257 posts
Helper bee

What steps is he making to improve the situation? How remorseful is he? Is he willing to go to counseling to see what if their is a deeper issue? I think people make mistakes. Deliberately cheating and being so drunk your wits aren’t with you are two slightly different, but equally painful and potentially relationship ruining mistakes. If he is super remorseful and willing to go to counseling etc then I would potentially forgive, but I would also ban him from parties etc.

Post # 74
Hostess
5622 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

It would really depend on the situation for me.

How long have you been together? If it’s only been like 2 years or something, I would probably leave the guy. If you’ve been together like 5+ years, I would consider it a one time thing. Did he personally know the girl? This would be a factor as well.

If my fi did something like this, I would question him like crazy.

– Why did he think it was okay to be a party with a bunch of girls? [Me and fi DONT party, so if this happened, I would be like wtf?!?!].

– Why did he think it was okay to LAY DOWN NEXT TO SOME GIRL?

– Why did he wait UNTIL THE NEXT DAY?! He should have called you right away.

 

I do agree with taking yourself out of the picture for awhile. You need to cope/get over it, and decide if you can trust him again, without him being around and pushing you to stay with him/get over it.

 

Post # 75
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Just an observation – so many on this thread say dump him while on the thread where the guy got oral sex ppl say to give it another try!?  I don’t get it…

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