(Closed) How to deal with a MESSY partner

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
316 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

My Darling Husband is actually a pretty clean person, but we did have one thing that we had to figure out! He hateeessss  laundry. So much in fact that he used to do his laundry and then throw the clean laundry ON the bedroom floor and pick clothing up from there each morning to put on! He’d leave the dirty laundy on the floor next to the washer and dryer (which is in a closet right outside of our bedroom). After a week, this pile would be huge and hard to get around.

After figuring this out (we didn’t live together before marriage), it took us a few months to figure out our system. I just take care of folding the clothes now while watching a show on Netflix, and we  switch off who starts the laundry – whoever notices the basket is full. Now, instead of keeping the hamper in the corner of the bedroom which is “out of the way” to him, we keep it in the hallway so he can put his dirty clothes in!

I just wanted to post this story to show those of you with messy SO’s that you can find compromises that work for you both for certain things. I wouldn’t ideally have the laundry basket in the hallway, but if he’ll actually use it in that location… then great! 🙂

Post # 32
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

maggierose:  Oh my freaking God! I feel you honey. And, if this is still a problem from when you posted it, perhaps you may no longer be together.

Just gotta say that doing something in its complete entirety rather than half-assed, is NOT being a neat freak. It’s just commiting to doing it the right way.

I’m not micromanaging; put something back where it belongs! Now he’s brought so much into the house, it’s puking over onto sides of the walls and onto shelves and out onto the lawn. He had nothing when he moved in and has now taken over comepletely with no help in return, or minimal when I point it out. Then he gets angry if I do. I try to let things go, I try to ask him very nicely w/o attacking. 

I gave my b/f the garage, then his own room. Got tired of the piling. Let him start being responsible for his own life instead of his mother. Asked him to move out so we could start “dating” again to save the relationship and he could learn what it is like to have to take care of a household and undo things you do; and I don’t build up resentments. Has been procrastinating his move-out by not finding a place.

I feel like it’s direct disrespect. It almost feels like a passive/aggressive “fuck you,” to me sometimes. What’s worse is the man is becoming an animal hoarder but says I need to get rid of my outdoor cat. WTF? There are giant, toxic, tacky half-projects all over the house; to the point my garage door is stuck open with his truck parked halfway in it! I don’t mean to bitch, and I love the guy, we have fun together and it can be really great. I understand no one is by any means perfect, especially myself.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect or ask your partner to help you out only by helping themselves. It’s been over a year and he wants more stuff and I’m trying to turn my focus onto outer things in my life to keep from wondering how bad it’s going to get.  

My friend tells me if I want a clean man, to get a metrosexual; or become a lesbian, haha. I dated a military neat freak, my metrosexual was unfaithful and pretty sure there’s nasty women out there too. 

Sometimes I just think I’m not cut out for co-habitating and probably entirely commitmentphobic. Living on my own might be the only way for me to have a successful long-term relationship. sheesh.

I’d love to know if you found a solution together, or just had a transcending spiritual surrender within yourself.

Post # 33
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

maggierose:  I know how you feel, yours sounds like mine, add that he also has junk everywhere, garbage on the floor, he can’t find anything either, he looses everything, everyday he stresses over it, he can hoard too.  another detail he never admits any of this, the worse part he blames it on everyone around him his whole life and lies about his problems and points fingers and acts like he is perfect and never does anything wrong, he never wants to talk about it, and he does everything your guy does plus all the other things I mentioned above.  I completely lost it.  I don’t know what to do anymore.  Nothing works, kisses, hugs, awarding him, nothing, he still lies, manipulates and blames, messes, is disorganized, dirty to live with, he is very difficult to live with, and every one sees how difficult he is to live with and othes who lived with him exactly know the difficulty of living with him is like.  If there is any solutions, I like to know.  counselling didn’t work at all.  a few years, he rejected almost all counsellors who can see right through him.  So any suggestions?  

 

Post # 34
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

maggierose:  I swear…this is exactly the same thing I’m going through. I don’t know what else to do but I am vastly interested in seeing what others have to say and advice they give. I’m all out of fight and energy. I’m truly exhausted and annoyed. I am in urgent need of help. I’m just about ready to pull all of my hair out. He is a great person, and like your situation…I don’t believe he does it intentionally or to be mean. It just isn’t on his priority list. What should I do? I’ve tried everything I can think of.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by  proverbs3126. Reason: No text
  • This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by  proverbs3126.
Post # 35
Member
197 posts
Blushing bee

I’m beginning to wonder if the OP’s SO is now her ex and now my FI! Mayeb it’s a man thing. 

Post # 36
Member
92 posts
Worker bee

maggierose:  Before Darling Husband and I got married I had suspicions that he might be a messy person but then again he lived with his parents so I wasn’t really sure because he was always complaining about their lack of organization.  We moved into our home after the wedding and come to find out he is a messy and disorganized person.  I’ve tried keeping up with him and the dog but I’ve finally given up being his mother.  I still cook, do the dishes that he had agreed he would do (but doesn’t), clean the house, do yard work like mowing, weed eating, and mulching; however just last week I stopped doing his laundry and picking up after him.  Though I feel guilty I also need to stop killing myself as I do live with Lupus and I need to start taking care of myself too.

Post # 37
Member
415 posts
Helper bee

Guys. It’s been two years since MaggieRose last posted. 

Post # 38
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I could have written this myself about my fiancee. Also, a wonderful guy who is good to me and always tries to do the right thing and make others around him happy. But, he and his two teenage kids are like little tornadoes that create mess everywhere they go. I walk around all day closing drawers and turning off lights. Food wrappers and clothing wind up everywhere. Trash in the kitchen sink (why not just throw it out?), hoodie draped over the Kitchen Aid mixer (wth – the coat hooks are like 5 feet away), clothing piled up on the bedroom floor about 3 feet from the laundry basket.

I like things clean, but I’m not even a clean freak. I can tolerate a degree of mess as long as it’s contained somewhat. But, he’s on the extreme messy end of the spectrum.  And, I knew what I was getting into when I agreed to marry him. Exhibit A. When we first started dating, I noticed that there was a card on the floor in the upstairs hallway (along with assorted other stuff – a hairbrush, hangers, clothes, etc.). I was curious about the card, but didn’t say anything. After three months of dating, that card was still there. I finally asked him about it. He was surprised – he had never even noticed this piece of stationary lying on the floor outside his bedroom door. It turned out to be a birthday card his daughter had written to her grandpa about six months earler and never given him. That was a stunner for me. That card had probably been there for six months and no one had ever noticed. You have to be pretty accustomed to basically littering your home with all your stuff to not even notice a card on the floor outside your bedroom for six months.

We had our biggest fight about it last night – hence me seeking advice/validation/consolation on the internet. 🙂  For him, a clean environment isn’t something he cares that much about and he would rather relax than clean. I can’t relax until I have a basically clean environment – not spotless, but tidy at least.

I know I’m not going to change him. And, if I try, I might get him to put in more effort for a while, but it won’t last and he’ll resent me. So, I have to decide if this is something that I can live with forever. And, for me, the bottom line is that I am happier with him than I was without him. And, if that means that I have to do the lion’s share of the cleaning, then that’s what I’ll do. And, I’ll have to walk into this marriage being okay with that or I’ll wind up resenting him.

But, I think there are some things that we can try:

1) having a scheduled family cleaning time where we all clean on the weekends for 1.5 hours – everyone at the same time working on a different room. I think this would be a lot less stressful for him because he could put in a burst of cleaning time and not feel like that’s something he has to be thinking about all the time.

2) we’ve just started having a house cleaner come in every other week to do the bathrooms, clean the kitchen, floors, etc. If we can ever afford it, I’m going to make this once/week.

3) decluttering – I’ve found that he’s much more open to the idea of decluttering than he is to regular housecleaning. And the decluttering makes the house cleaning so much easier. He’s done a lot of decluttering already – as have I – and I think if we can continue to work on this, it will help.

And with the kids, I’m going to be firmer. I will continue to ask them to pick up their shoes, bags, food wrappers, juice boxes, etc. And, I’m going to work with the fiancee on consequences for them. EG, juice boxes repeatedly left laying around means no juice boxes for 6 months.

Post # 39
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: April 1996

Wow, just came upon this thread.  I’ve been married to someone for 20 years who lives like a boy waiting for his mom to pick up after him.  When we married I had no idea how messy he was.  I’ve done it all from dumping his stuff in a pile, giving him is own room to put his stuff while I get nothing but the corner of a closet and 😞 nagging.  The fights we’re had about this have been numerous and now I just look at it as a total lack of respect on his part.  Grown-up people pick up after themselves because they respect themselves and others around them.  They don’t use the excuse of being absent minded.  Funny, when I go to my husband’s work his office is spotless.  Why?  Because he respects his employer and cares how he’s perceived.  I’m not type A but I need calm surroundings that are tidy.  Nagging’s not the way folks as that shows disrespect as well.  I’ve finally come to the place where I’m ready to walk away and I so wish I would have been more aware of his habits prior to marrying.  My advice if you’re new to marriage, is to truly decide how important clean is to you and then sit down with your partner and determine what an acceptable way to live is for both of you.  Then have boundaries and expectations.  And remember, both of you went in to marriage expecting an adult who takes responsibility for themselves!  Good luck.

Post # 40
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: April 1996

MeganSabrina17:  totally agree with you on the lack of respect.  Grown-ass people pick up after themselves.  Nuff said.

Post # 41
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: April 1996

proverbs3126:  if you’re a priority to him then he’ll make it a priority.  Know what you want, be willing to set boundaries AND keep them and above all respect yourself and remain kind.  People only change if they want to and from experience I know that what you see at the beginning of your life together only magnifies over time.  I was passive-aggressive for many years hoping things would change.  Now I’m direct.

Post # 42
Member
1414 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

maggierose:  I would put up with the clothes on the floor and him losing his belongings — and I would not mother him. But I would not put up with him leaving food out because you will get very sick from that and a true partner never endangers your health. You take care of him but he jeopardizes things for you. I would reconsider being with him. 

Post # 43
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: May 2015

maggierose :  PREACH! This guy sounds like he could be my husband’s soulmate. Literally, my husband has done ALL of those things. My biggest pet peeve is that he treats the washing machine like his personal laundry basket (when he’s not changing in the kitchen/living room/bathroom) so there are ALWAYS clothes either in the washing machine or in the dryer… so when it comes time for me to wash my clothes… I have to bug him for days to get his stuff done so I can have a turn. (I refuse to do his laundry, I’m not his mother.)

Post # 44
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Bostonsmom :  I started delivering my SOs stuff to him and he got really irritated and pissed off. *sigh* I am at my wits end. It seems like such a small thing, but it makes a big deal in my life. I grew up with a mom and dad who shared in all the chores and kept a very neat house. This mess drives me INSANE. 

Post # 45
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: May 2015

 

koulaeca :  I am SO not a type A personality… but I grew up in a neat and tidy house and that’s what I am used to. Growing up my room was never clean and I was NOT a neat person because my parents did most of the work and would bug me about my room, etc. When I got my own apt, I was neat bc I figured out real quick that no one was going to clean up after me. My husband never learned or cared to learn that lesson. If I had a dime for every time I picked up a granola bar wrapper off the floor and found a sock on the couch, I would be a rich woman. 

The topic ‘How to deal with a MESSY partner’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors