Post # 1
I’m unsure of how to deal with this. My mother is one of my best friends. She and I have always had a good relationship but any big changes in my life have been VERY hard on her. She is very focused on money and as a result is VERY high strung. For example, when I bought a house she had a huge problem with it. She didn’t think I could afford it and didn’t know what I was doing (FYI I’m a CPA and am fully aware of how to handle budgets).
Now when it comes to my wedding she’s really struggling. Don’t get me wrong she LOVES my fiancee so it isn’t that. It’s the fact that he’s a temp employee right now (with the intention of full time employement). She doesn’t think we should get married until he finds a job. Now I can appreciate what she says but the fact of the matter is that I’m 27 years old and have been financially independant for 4 years. Even if he wouldn’t get this job, I already cover all the bills on my own salary.
I guess I just wish she would calm down and enjoy the process. I want her to be a part of it but not if I have to deal with this. On the flip side my dad is being completely wonderful about it. He’s been my rock where my mom can’t be at the moment.
I don’t know what to do thoughts anyone? Anything I can say to help her understand?
Post # 3
This is a hard one! I think that if you haven’t already you should explain to her just as you did to us about your financial situation and being able to afford this on your own budget regardless if he has a full time or temp job. Then maybe tell her nicely that you really want her to be a part of this but it’s frustrating when she brings the money up. Suggest “Mom, pretend like money doesn’t matter” maybe she can give you honest opinions and suggestions from there? Not saying this is right or wrong…. never been in this situation just thinking what I might say or do with my mom. Sorry to hear this is happening.
Post # 4
I don’t think you will have much luck getting her to be calm about it – but I would try to focus the conversation and energy on something else. Resolve in your head that you and her will have different opinions on what is acceptible on the topic and try to move past it.
If she doesn’t respect the boundary and keeps talking about it, you will have to stand your ground and remind her that you two are going to disagree on the subject and ask her to drop it (kindly!).
And, remind yourself that her worrying is part of who she is and out of love and concern from you. It’s a hard thing to do – but might help in those moments of frustration!
Post # 5
I’d be worried too. Most parents are hoping that their children end up in stable, healthy relationships with their chosen spouses, but make no mistake…money plays a huge role in a marriage. If she was blase about it and you were the one worried he isn’t working FT and helping out with the finances, you’d probably wonder why she isn’t supporting you then too. Sometimes, parents just can’t win. How will you feel 5 years from now if he isn’t gainfully employed? Will your resentment at covering everything begin to break down your marriage? It can and it does in many cases. I see it as her looking out for your best interests in the long term, and not just for now, when you don’t see the problem.
Why do you feel your Dad is OK with everything? Because he isn’t saying anything to you about it? You might be surprised at what he really thinks, but men have a tendency to keep a lot inside rather than cause friction. My husband is exactly the same way and always has the need to be the good guy. What he says to ME is never the same as what he says to our daughters….
FWIW…I agree with your Mom. I think he needs to have a FT job first,too.