(Closed) How to deal with “bad” bridesmaid…long i’m sorry

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I would ask the Bridesmaid or Best Man to let the bride know, and that if she doesn’t do it within a reasonable timeframe then to tell the bride.

Also, if the financial costs are the main issue (which is reasonable as she engaged herself), maybe suggest to the bride to give the Bridesmaid or Best Man a poliet way to back out?

-Good LUCK

Post # 4
4355 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I agree that someone should not accept being in a bridal party if they aren’t prepared to be part of the events however, a surprise engagement of her own would likely change things pretty fast so I think she deserves a bit of a break. She was honest about only being able to afford airfare for one event, I think that’s totally fair.

Post # 5
1066 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I kinda think this is a lot to expect of a bm myself.. to fly out for a bach party?  With that said, she should have told you before instead of not giving you a response, but if I didn’t receive a response, I would assume that’s a no, I wouldn’t assume she was going and then expect her to.  It sounds pretty costly since she is getting married herself now, so I’d try to be a bit understanding and I’m sure the bride will understand if they’re really good friends.

Post # 6
2641 posts
Sugar bee

I agree with the pp.  She isn’t giving the bride a hard time on buying the dress right?  I think it’s a little unreasonable to expect a Bridesmaid or Best Man to take time and money to fly for a bach party.  Those really shouldn’t be a standard Bridesmaid or Best Man expsense, IMO.  That’s an extra.  BM’s have to pay for so much anyway.   And with so many Bms living all over the country, I don’t think it’s reasonable (in some cases) to expect them to come to the shower, either.  Sometimes people just can’t take the time or $$ to fly multiple times.  I ahd a Bridesmaid or Best Man who couldn’t make my shower.  (I didn’t have a bach.)  The last wedding I was in, the Maid/Matron of Honor wasn’t at the shower because of work.  (And that bride didn’t have a bach either.)

I think the imporant thing is that she is on top of what she needs to do for the actual wedding.  And my guess is the other BMs who are slow to respond about the Out of Town bach party, are probably also not keen on the idea of doing something that will cost them more money and time.  Isn’t the shower just before the wedding?  That means these girls will probably have to take more time off work to be part of the wedding.  So asking them to take off again for the bach party, might be too much.  (If they can make it great.  If not, let it go.)

Post # 7
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

I agree that it’s a little unreasonable to expect a Bridesmaid or Best Man to be able to fly out for a bachelorette party. Only about half of my Bridesmaid or Best Man made it to my b-party and they were all local. Life does get in the way sometimes, and it sounds like this Bridesmaid or Best Man has a lot going on in her own life too.

She is going to be there for the wedding and the shower, so I would just let her know that she needs to call the bride to let her know that she won’t be able to attend the b-party. It’s not your responsibility to break that news to her.

Post # 8
5657 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2012

I think in the end this is between the Bridesmaid or Best Man and the Bride. That Bridesmaid or Best Man should let the bride know that she can’t make it and then the bride can decide if that’s okay or if she wants to change her plans or whatever.

Post # 9
2289 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I totally feel you. I’m planning a bach party right now and it’s like herding cats and pulling teeth at the same time trying to get people to respond.

Let this be between the bride and the Bridesmaid or Best Man. You’ve done everything you can.

Post # 10
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

Honestly, I think you need to cut the girl a break.  When I was a bride, none of my BMs lived in town, so I had a shower in another state and flew out for it, in order to accommodate them.  Even then, two of them still didn’t make it because it would have been a 3 hour drive.  And I scheduled my bachelorette for the Thursday night before the wedding because most of them would already be in town–even then, one of them couldn’t make it because she didn’t fly in until about an hour before the rehearsal.  Several of them had trouble affording the hotel, so I covered part of their hotel stay.  Money is an issue for everyone, and BMs are required to pay for a lot of things, so if they can’t afford one of the extra things the bride wants them to do, I think the bride should help out or be okay with them not being able to be there.  

Post # 11
158 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

People do have lives outsidee of weddings (i dont mean to sound harsh) There’s no way that the Bridesmaid or Best Man could have known she was getting engaged. She whould have responded earlier though if she thoght that she would not be able to participate…Even though the Bach party is alot in addition to the wedding expenses. I was a Bridesmaid or Best Man in a wedding on a cruise…The bride lived 2.5 hours away from me and she lived another 6 hours or so away from the port the ship  left from so we really had a lot to do BUT we worked together to lesson the strain for everyone by carpooling etc. and it all worked out. I was engaged at the time but I knew about the other wedding in advance and as a result was still prepared to participate in the other wedding.

Post # 12
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m sorry, but I agree with the majority here, that the poor Bridesmaid or Best Man needs to be cut a break. She isn’t a bad bridesmaid because she can’t afford to fly all over the country multiple times in one year. Whenever I’m asked to be a bridesmaid, I just assume that means that I’m responsible for my dress, shoes, hair, getting to the wedding. I would never assume that that meant I would have to fly again for a vacation. She probably felt bad and didn’t want to say anything, but I would never have enough money to afford to fly to a wedding, plan my own wedding and fly to Florida for a bachelorette party all within a short timeline. I don’t think that makes her a bad bridesmaid, sorry.

I think you should just tell the bridesmaid that she should be the one to tell the bride and then continue planning the party without her, but I don’t think you should make her feel bad about her situation either.

Post # 13
273 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

it sounds like the bridesmaid accepted being a bridesmaid before she got engaged.  weddings are expensive.  she may just be feeling overwhelmed with the cost of her wedding on top of the cost of being a bridesmaid.  

i also don’t see the big deal about the bridesmaid not making it to the bach party.  it would have been nice for her to have been able to make it but things happen.  

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