How to deal with bitchy condescending friend?

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
1354 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2017 - Seattle, WA

I guess a lot of it would depend on her delivery but to me none of these comments seem to bad. She probably has no idea it’s bothering you. I would probably wait until the next time it happens and then bring it to her attention afterwards, when the other girls aren’t around. Just let her know she’s one of your best friends and you really care about her but you don’t appreciate the condescending tone she uses sometimes. If she’s a good friend, she’ll listen! Good luck!

Post # 18
Member
284 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

It sounds like your friend is a bit of a diva. If the other musicians don’t contribute much and you are the only other one making suggestions, it may be that she’s asserting that she is the alpha. 

I would say to her “You are my friend, and I value your input, but I don’t feel that you show me much respect in our quartet.”

Post # 19
Member
581 posts
Busy bee

When people show you who they are, believe them. I wouldn’t waste an extra minute of my valuable time on someone I described as “bitchy” and “condescending”. mrsdogmama0618 :  

Post # 20
Member
6441 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

You say that it isn’t what she says, but how she says it, and then you say it isn’t purposeful. I’m not sure what there is to call her out on in that case. Perhaps you are just overly sensitive or expecting it from her, so you tend to hear “bitchiness” when it isn’t there? Otherwise, I would agree about limiting your time with her and calling her out on it if you feel she has crossed a line. But there really isn’t much to go on if you say that it isn’t what she says, but that she isn’t intentionally using a rude tone, either.

Post # 21
Member
716 posts
Busy bee

mrsdogmama0618 :  

I agree with a PP that this is very likely about dominance and control. Group dynamics often bring this out in people. If one person is used to being listened to or feeling like “the leader” in the group, they will not take kindly to what they see as a challenge. Unfortunately, to them, your disagreement feels like a threat. I personally find these kind of group dynamics very tiresome which is why I mostly spend time with my friends one on one or in small groups, or I mix up the groups of people I spend time with.

Her behaviour is coming from a rather immature and unevolved place, and I wouldn’t take it personally. In my opinion, the antidote to it is to act with confidence – don’t back down and cower or explain yourself just because she has a snarky comment to make. Just say what you think straight out, with a loud, clear voice. Make direct eye contact even. I think I’d also be tempted to pretend I hadn’t heard her if she makes a snarky comment. People tend not to keep doing this sort of thing if they don’t get the response they’re looking for.

However, I’d also be spending less time (a lot less time) with someone who spoke to me that way.

Post # 22
Member
659 posts
Busy bee

Hmmmm…..what is her major? Is it music performance or she is a music theory student as well?

It sounds to me it may be a jealousy thing – like she may think you are better skilled than her at playing and it’s a defense mechanism to point out any fault in your playing or knowledge.

I know the music field is highly competitive, even if you’re not a performance major.

However, this is not excusable. I think you need to have an honest and frank discussion with her and the comments need to stop.

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