How to deal with bridesmaids

posted 2 months ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 46
Member
1835 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I’m of the camp that bridesmaids only need to get the dress and show up. And yes, that’s all I expected of mine when I got married. For the dress, I picked the color and length, that’s it. I let my Maid/Matron of Honor pick the style she felt comfortable in and could afford. I did not dictate makeup, shoes, or hair. My Maid/Matron of Honor was able to make the bachelorette party, but was limited in her ability to participate or discuss the wedding because she’s just gone back to school, and I totally understood! I would never let her inability to participate in some things ruin our over a decade friendship  

I think that today’s culture is much more materialistic, narcissistic, and entitled. Obviously, this isn’t the case for everyone, but we see and hear about brides dictating dresses that are hugely expensive, dictating styles that bridesmaids may not feel comfortable in due to style, size constraints (or breast size), wanting to kick people out of the wedding if they get pregnant or get a tattoo (I know someone in real life who kicked a bridemaid out for getting a tattoo), expecting bridesmaids to not only attend, but also pay for and plan multiple parties, having trips that require travel, time off of work, hotel stays, and money, etc. My husband was recently in a wedding where the suit rental was more than actually buying an expensive suit, there was a bridal shower, a couples shower, a bachelor weekend out of town, an engagement party, a celebratory dinner, etc. I know another bride that had 5 bridal showers!

People take things too far in the interest of celebrating themselves, without ever considering that everyone elses’ lives don’t center around them. People have families, jobs, and set incomes to consider. 

However, OP, I’m not saying you’re that bride. It doesn’t sound like you are, but I think the Bees are just mindful that some people are and that influences responses. 

Post # 48
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2011

You are right, they are wrong. People in a wedding should give a crap about the couple getting married or not be involved. 

Post # 49
Member
1835 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

mrsbee2019 :  Then I agree with you, as it sounds like you haven’t been demanding. I’m sorry your friends haven’t been able to support you in the way you’d like or need. 

Post # 50
Member
1224 posts
Bumble bee

mrsbee2019 :  I had this same conversation with a friend the other day. It seems like our friends who are married and settled down take the weddings of others less seriously.  I was a bridesmaid and worked my butt off at one friend’s wedding a year before my wedding. I helped her buy decorations and spent weekends helping her shop. she didn’t even reply to my one text message asking about which table numbers (choice of two) she liked better for my wedding. 

Not all married women are like this but I’m sure as hell making a point not to be like that. I’m offering my services multiple times and constantly checking in with them. When you get married, try to pay it forward by doing the same. What seems insignificant to married women, could tremendously help someone planning a wedding. 

Post # 51
Member
3236 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

I’m sorry but people on here throw a FIT if they ask a best friend to be a bridesmaid and she declines. Then it’s all, “I thought we were best friends but I guess not and I’m questioning our entire friendship.” Or, “I was a bridesmaid for her and now that it’s MY turn she declined and it’s not fair!”

People act like declining to be a bridesmaid is as easy as saying no and the bride calmly and rationally accepting the decline and moving on with her life. It rarely goes that way. So for all those who want to give bridesmaid jobs and then go “well they could have just said no” please reflect on how you’d ACTUALLY feel if your best friend said they didn’t want to be your bridesmaid. And I doubt that decline would be accepted without demanding a “good” reason.

Side note, I didn’t have bridesmaids because while I didn’t hate the experience (and expense) of being one, I didn’t enjoy it either,  and I felt no need to inflict that on my loved ones. And no, I didn’t have an engagement party, bridal shower, or bachelorette party so no one was obligated to participate in those things either. I just planned my wedding with Dh, because he was the only one actually obligated to do more than show up in the agreed upon attire.

Post # 52
Member
5968 posts
Bee Keeper

MiniMeow :  Agreed. 

It’s the same when people get mad if someone RSVPs no without a reason. But if they do give a reason, it’s never good enough either. They just can’t win! 

Post # 53
Member
10 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: City, State

For me, I would not be pleased if the bridesmaids’ only job was to wear the dress and show up to the wedding. I’d want my bridesmaids to be emotionally supportive, to help me plan my wedding and I want their advice as well. Okay maybe not all of them can make it to every single bridal event, but I expect them to care about the wedding and be there for the bride. Of course the bride should consider the needs of her ‘maids as well and not be overly demanding.

Post # 55
Member
386 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

Wow. This thread… The thing is, weddings have become so commercialized and expensive that being “involved” often costs an arm and a leg. The dress alone can be hundreds. Let alone travel expenses, especially if it is a destination wedding. Many brides can be quite demanding (not all, of course). Also, depending on your career, taking off for several wedding events can be quite difficult, especially if you don’t have paid vacation. (Speaking of showers and bachelorette parties). Some only have a week or two a year, meaning they would potentially deplete their entire year of vacation for your wedding. These issues have absolutely NOTHING to do with whether someone cares or wants to be there. Some of you ladies saying to just step down if it’s too expensive would have a melt down and unfriend someone for declining being a bridesmaid. It’s not always an issue if someone WANTS to be there. I think there needs to be mutual understanding and consideration. I do miss the days where weddings were more simple and not so pinterest-esque. That being said.. I’ve been married and I didn’t expect anyone to give up huge chunks of time at several events or even pay a buttload of money to attend. We did rent the runway dresses and paid for them. We had two ladies come to the house to do everyone’s makeup and hair, we paid. The only thing they covered was their shoes, which was anything they wanted since the dresses were long. I asked friends that were local or were planning to attend anyway. I had one friend I wanted to take part but she simply couldn’t travel for it due to her job situation. Not a problem. I love and appreciate all of them equally regardless of what they were or were not able to do for my big day. I also think some of that just comes with age. When you’re young, you still are very selfish focused on your own wants. Now that I’m in my 30’s, I realize other people DO have things going on and can’t always do what I want, and it has nothing to do with whether or not they care. 

Post # 56
Member
386 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

mrsbee2019 :  Just to clarify, the previous comment of mine was towards the overall tone of this board, NOT to you personally! I understand why you are upset. You’re talking about them being involved in your personal life, and of course that is hurtful if they seemingly want to be disconnected. I see you updated that one of your maids backed out. I hope you feel better about your situation. It also IS hurtful when you are there for someone who doesn’t seem to want to be there for you as well. I hope these new changes bring you more peace. <3

Post # 58
Member
3271 posts
Sugar bee

khaleesi13 :  I agree. Today’s weddings have become overblown productions. 

knotyet :  I couldn’t agree more. At their heart weddings have become a drawn-out celebration of self. It’s kind of nauseating. Bachelorette parties, which used to be a night on the town, have morphed into days-long vacations.  Bridesmaids expected to assist in planning and dress shopping on multiple occasions and chided for not being able to fulfill the “requirements”. The result is a lot of friendships end.  Basically, the importance of the wedding itself has been grossly overstated. I didn’t know anybody who spent years before their wedding imagining dressed and styles and colors etc. It just wasn’t done. I had a 225 person wedding and it was very nice, but I barely remember it, just snippets at this point. With the 20/20 hindsight of time, it’s pretty clear to me just how unimportant the wedding itself is. And yet the wedding industry would have you believe it’s the best and most important day of your life. I can think of many days I enjoyed that felt as important to me, if not moreso. But the incessant preoccupation with self today is alarming and weddings play right into that.

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