(Closed) How to deal with effects of MIL smoking on baby?

posted 3 years ago in Babies
Post # 2
Hostess
8536 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

Perfectionist :  Dearest M-I-L, I know you can’t wait for little one to arrive and I know you will make the best grandmother but, and I don’t mean to offend you, but I will not want you smoking near the baby, or holding the baby after you have had a cigarette. I don’t mean to sound over the top but studies show blah blah blah – but I know you would never want to harm baby so trust you respect these rules I am imposing.

 

Who knows how it will go down – but one of you needs to lay it out and it doesn’t sound like it will be your hubby!

Post # 3
Member
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Blame the pediatrician! Mother-In-Law, baby’s pediatrician says it’s unsafe for baby to stay in a house with a smoker, even if they only smoke outside. (Or whatever you don’t want her to do).

Post # 4
Member
2707 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

DWIL Nation, now! The ladies there will tell you exactly how to set boundaries with her. And your husband needs to step up and protect his nuclear family (that’s you and bub) and grow some balls. Don’t ever take the baby to their house – I’d be saying something like: “MIL, as I’m sure you are aware, the dangers of second and third hand smoke to babies are very well documented.  Unfortunately this means you won’t be able to hold the baby unless it’s been over an hour since your last cigarette, you’ve put clean clothes on and washed your hands thoroughly, and we don’t feel comfortable bringing baby to your house at any stage.  I’m sure you understand that this is for the good of our new little one.  Also, please don’t bother spending time and money turning your spare room into a nursery as it won’t be necessary given that we won’t be bringing the baby to your house.”  I’d also do it in writing (email or text) so that she can’t say you weren’t clear, or start crying halfway through you telling her.  Be prepared for temper tantrums, tears, promises that of course she won’t hurt “her baby” but you need to establish the “two yes, one no” rule with your husband now; anything to do with bubs requires both of you to say yes and if one says no, it’s a no go. But I reiterate, DWIL Nation for more advice from ladies who have seen it all.

Post # 5
Member
718 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

As a smoker myself I can absolutely verify one of two things is going to go down: she will get absolutely upset over this or she will promise to quit. if she’s anything like the majority of smokers I know she wants to quit but simply hasn’t yet.

if she’s like the other 10% and simply doesn’t want to quit you need to understand that when you tell her you can’t basically say that you’re going to keep her grandchild from her if she continues to smoke. this would probably come better from your hubby than yourself because smoking can be a very sensitive issue for some people (for those of you don’t understand, quitting smoking is extremely hard, I’ve been trying to do it for years with little to no success.)

all that being said be genuine about the situation, don’t go trying to blame your doctor for a situation you concocted in your head and something you need to have to feel safe (which is perfectly logical). You are having a child with this woman’s son and are going to be in each other’s lives for the duration of your baby’s life. I also don’t believe she will believe ‘your doctor told you not to let her hold the baby after smoking’. This is about respecting each other, you’re not respecting her if you lie to her. If you don’t respect her enough to tell her the truth why should she respect you? It’s a mutual thing.

Post # 6
Member
2146 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

im sorry but this isnt your place at all… im all for not smoking around children and I could understand not wanting your child in a house where someone smokes indoors but she is NOT smoking around the baby or in the house according to your post, you cant NOT tell a grown woman what to do with her life or her body and you certainly cannot and should not use a child as a weapon to get what you want aainst either your in laws or your husband

I’ve also never heard any scientific proof of ‘waiting an hour’ before touching a child if you smoked, its one of these random wivestails that circulate baby forum along with stupid things like ‘if you die your hair you’ll suffer a misscarriage’ and they doesnt even make sense… at a push the wash your hands one does but not ‘waiting an hour’

who came up with such an arbatory number?

what do you suddenly expect to magically change at the hour point?

Post # 7
Member
2707 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

thesoontobemrsv :  the situation is not ‘concocted in her head’.  Second and third hand smoke is very dangerous for babies so she’s (rightly) concerned for her baby.  There are plenty of studies showing this so it’s solid science.

eta: here’s just one study.  http://www.no-smoke.org/learnmore.php?id=671

Post # 8
Member
2707 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

btob17 :  her child, her rules.  She can’t tell her Mother-In-Law to stop smoking (nor did she say she was going to) but she can certainly refuse to let Mother-In-Law handle her child.  Here’s another article about the dangers of third hand smoke: http://www.theage.com.au/victoria/babies-exposed-to-cigarettes-toxins-via-invisible-residue-20151222-glth0g.html

Post # 9
Member
2146 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

 KiwiDerbyBride :  thats an article is not a scienific report… there are articles that say elvis didnt die and lives on the moon and millions that say vaccines cause autism – doesnt make it a fact

 

did you really post an article from ‘non smokers rights’… wow I cant imagine they wouldnt have an agenda

 

P.S… for the record im a non smoker who fully supports the smoking ban around children and did not allow smoking around my children but jesus this takes it to far

Post # 10
Member
2707 posts
Sugar bee
Post # 11
Member
9172 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

my mom is the only living grandparent between us, but DH’s grandfather is still alive.

and he’s a SMOKER.  he wasn’t allowed near the DS in the beginning.  DS was 3 weeks early. when pop finally came over, he had to wear a fresh shirt (and still couldn’t hold DS). 

after 6 months of age, I let pop hold DS on his lap for 2 minutes top if we are in a public place.  but for the most part he understands and doesn’t want to.

if you have rules for the safety of your child, stand by them.

Post # 12
Member
1329 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Painswick Church and the Falcon Hotel

I would just like to say that my husband and I both smoke (always outside!) and our children are all perfectly healthy when we would go outside for a cigarette we would wash our hands when we came back into the house and handle the children absolutely fine we would take in turns so for your mother in law it wouldn’t even be everyday so would not harm your baby. However I understand that you want to be overly cautious as it’s your first child but honestly as long as she’s not smoking in the same house as your baby it will be fine 

Post # 13
Member
3223 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

btob17 :  not her place? If advocating for her child isn’t her place…who the hell’s is it?!

Post # 14
Member
1034 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I can’t believe this turned so ugly. If the OP doesn’t want smokey clothes around her kid, that’s her perogative. My in laws smoke, but live out of state, so all I asked when they visited was for them to wash their hands before handling my son. But if they lived 5 mins away and were a regular part of his life, I may have asked them to wear a fresh shirt, I don’t know. You can’t expect her to quit, though it’d be nice if your child was enough motivation for her to do so if she wanted to. My husband smoked for 15 years and quit when we started TTC because I told him how uncomfortable I was with the idea of raising children in a smoker’s household and he understood, that was enough motivation for him to finally quit. 

I would really just try to have an open, non-judgmental conversation with her about this before the baby comes. Tell her you want her to be an involved grandparent and as such, hope that she is ok with toning down the smoking when she’s around your child. You have every right.

Post # 15
Member
549 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

waterg :  false equivalence. Just because your children are ok, doesn’t mean smoking/2nd/3rd hand smoke isn’t bad for them. 

The topic ‘How to deal with effects of MIL smoking on baby?’ is closed to new replies.

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