(Closed) How to deal with effects of MIL smoking on baby?

posted 3 years ago in Babies
Post # 76
Member
1336 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Painswick Church and the Falcon Hotel

yorp127 :  My original post was to let op know another perspective I have no interest in talking to you

Post # 77
Member
708 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

waterg :  daughter of a former smoker here… right now your kids may not have side effects from your smoking, but when they are about 30+ they very well could… not to mention if they personally are fine health wise… what about emotionally and mentally years later when their parents start to have issues such as lung cancer or a heart attack? I believe you are doing whatever you can to shield your kids from the smoke, but the tar sticks to your face and skin… so even wearing a coat (which I really can’t fully believe you do in the dead of summer) you would have to go in and take a full shower with soap and water to even be 75% sure they are not being exposed. 

Post # 78
Member
918 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception / Courtyard Marriott Legacy Ballroom

My father was a smoker until his own father died of cancer at 75 – then he quit cold turkey. But I still lived with a smoker for the first 12 years of my life. He worked a lot, so I was really only exposed to the smoke every other weekend and a couple weeks a year when we went on family vacations. So far, at 35 years, the possible smoking related health problems I have are a tendancy to high blood pressure despite eating healthy / exercising regularly and allergies to smoke. I get headaches just from the smell of smoke – actual smoke makes my eyes water and I develop a cough. These problems didn’t pop up until I was in my mid-20s and I’m dreading any more problems popping up as I get older. Darling Husband also lived with a smoker (FIL) and was exposed to 2nd and 3rd hand smoke much more than I was. He has adult onset asthma. There are other health problems as well – migrains and the shakes/nausea that take him out for 24 hrs – but I’m not sure if those are related to exposure to smoke.

Unfortunately, my father died from cancer when I was 19, but my Father-In-Law was still living when my DS was born. We were both adamant that he would not be smoking around DS and that DS would never be able to go to his apartment which reeked of smoke. The rules for when he came over were that he couldn’t smoke on our property, he had to wash his hands and change his shirt/wear a coat over his clothes before holding DS, and he had to sit on a blanket so that the 3rd hand smoke would not seep into our couch.  My BILs have to follow the same rules (they are both ocassional smokers, though at least the middle brother had been trying to quit ever since their dad died from a heart attack).

We strongly believe that smoke (2nd hand and 3rd hand) can negatively affect a person’s health and we’re trying to protect DS from that as much as we can. I agree with previous posters that this needs to come from your Darling Husband to your MIL – he needs to be on your side and to understand this is a case of protecting your baby. My ILs don’t agree with our stance, though they respect our rules. DH’s grandfather was a heavy pipe smoker who lived into his 90s with only relatively minor health problems, so it came as a shock to the family when FIL died so young and the doctor said it was definitely smoking related.

Post # 79
Member
767 posts
Busy bee

Perfectionist :  nope. She’ll probably get upset, and there’s not much you can do about it.  You need to protect your babies health, and give your Mother-In-Law directions on what to do about the smoking, and put your foot down.

As for the planned nursery, that’s her choice to decorate for a nursery. you could mention that you don’t agree with it, but it’s her house and if she wants to decorate in such a way she can. That doesn’t mean it will get used as much as she wants,but she can still decorate that way if she insists.

Hang in there, stand by what you believe.

Post # 80
Member
1606 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

waterg :  I’m sorry that everyone is challenging your world view that scientific studies don’t mean anything and that you actually can’t predict your child’s health in twenty years. 

Post # 81
Member
1240 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

waterg :  If you don’t want to listen to what people are telling you, then please don’t respond. It’s pretty rude to clog the OP’s thread with useless “I don’t want to talk to you” posts. Just control yourself and don’t respond. You don’t even have to navigate to this thread. Delete the PM notifications without reading them if that’s what it takes.

Just gonna say that anecdotal evidence…which is what you have been presenting…is the WEAKEST form of evidence. But you have the right to choose to believe what you want, even if it’s wrong.

Hope you have a nice day.

Post # 82
Member
1336 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Painswick Church and the Falcon Hotel

franklymydearidont :  there is no evidence to say that they WILL have health problems they are my kids and I won’t be told over and over by different people that they will so…… My original post was to let op know another perspective I have no interest in talking to you 😊

Post # 83
Member
2035 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

waterg :  “Another perspective” = “Alternative facts”

Your comments are dangerous. I hope for your and your children’s sake that you quit smoking. I also sincerely hope the OP and anyone else doesn’t take any of your comments to heart as they are untrue and have no credibility.

Post # 84
Member
1206 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

waterg :  I tried to ignore your comments but I just can’t.  Are you really that unbelievably narrow minded that you can’t admit for a second that there is a POSSIBILITY that your children COULD develop health problems from your smoking?  No one has a crystal ball and is saying it WILL certainly happen but that’s the thing, you don’t know.  You claim they are fine and they might be now but you don’t know if they will be later.  

Post # 85
Member
1240 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

waterg :  Listen, no one said that there was evidence that your children will most definitely have health problems. That is your projection.

There is a big difference between that and the fact that peer-reviewed, well-designed scientific studies with statistical analysis have found evidence that children who are around smokers (who may not be smoking right in front of the kids) are more likely to have certain health problems that can vary from mild to severe and/or can crome up later in life. Obviously, each individual person is different and the same exposure can affect each individual person differently.

You keep inserting yourself into this conversation as if you’re contributing something of value, but all you’re doing is defending your viewpoint, which by the way no one else on this thread agrees with. OP and PPs are clearly not open to your opinion and it is pretty much meaningless to them. Just like none of us are going to change your mind because you’re not open to stronger forms of evidence than your anecdotes, you’re not going to change OP’s and PP’s minds.

Post # 86
Member
1336 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Painswick Church and the Falcon Hotel

Curlycupcake :  they are my kids I know them better than anyone! My original post was to let op know another perspective I have no interest in talking to you

Post # 87
Member
283 posts
Helper bee

waterg :  There’s no evidence that they will definitely get sick, but there’s a lot of evidence that by smoking you are increasing their risk of certain diseases. As their mother, you get to decide if that risk is something you’re okay with but you should acknowledge that according to the science the risk is there. 

If OP decides that risk is not something she wants for her child, that is her choice. But you should not be telling her there’s no risk when according to all the science there is.

Post # 88
Member
1206 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

waterg :  So the answer is yes, you are completely narrow minded.  Good to know.

Post # 89
Member
425 posts
Helper bee

Perfectionist :  I think you need to talk to your Darling Husband and get him on your side ASAP and then figure out what your next steps will be. I understand why your mother told you to wait and see (you don’t want to offend your MIL), but you can’t assume that your Mother-In-Law is on the same page as you.

Having an honest conversation sooner can save you lots of frustration later. The sooner that you and your Darling Husband address this with her together, the more time she will have to gather her courage and support system to do something about it, if she chooses to do so. If your Mother-In-Law has been planning to do something about her smoking all along, she shouldn’t be offended at the topic of the conversation, and will have the opportunity to tell you what she has been considering. My thinking is that you’re most likely going to have to have this conversation, and it isn’t going to get any less awkward if you wait around to see what your Mother-In-Law is planning.

Additionally, I think if your Mother-In-Law is planning a nursery without having addressed this with you already, it doesn’t sound like she considers her smoking to be a huge problem. She might very well be in denial about how smoking can affect people. It would be even more heartbreaking for your Mother-In-Law if she completed the nursery before you got a chance to iron things out.

Kay1126 :  One of the main reasons my dad quit smoking was because my mom got pregnant. A new baby can be a really powerful motivator, and I am so thankful that my dad quit because smoking is so detrimental to everyone’s health.

My dad gave it up cold turkey. My paternal grandfather had also been diagnosed with lung cancer, so that is what pushed my dad to give it up cold turkey and tough out the withdrawal. Thankfully that worked for him, but most people need a much more gradual approach, and even multiple attempts at quitting, if they are to be successful in quitting permanently.

Post # 90
Member
1606 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

waterg :  “I know my kids”

ok, fair enough. You know them now better than anyone. And maybe you’ll have a good idea how they will be in the future. But there is ZERO way you can absolutely positively know their future health when they are adults. We aren’t saying they will get sick, just saying that they could.

I was just diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. There’s no way my parents could have known that when I was five, no matter how well they knew me. 

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