Post # 1
So, I’m a regular bee and I had to come on here with a different name because I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I am the one with the problem. Not my Darling Husband. First off, I should say that we can’t afford counseling. We don’t have it offered and our health insurance situation is very precarious but will stabilize early next year. Anyhow, I get angry with Darling Husband sometimes I can’t see straight. It’s always over something so trivial and then it gets blown out of proportion and next thing you know, I’m blowing my top, then he is, then it’s a full blown argument that lasts 5 intense minutes or 10. I get so hot and bothered it’s like there is a fire about to explode off the top of my head. I even feel my hands shaking and the pounding of my blood. I don’t know what to do. I never used to be like this but in the last 3 years it’s gotten progressively worse. It happens maybe 5 times or so a year but it’s 5 times too many. After it’s over, it takes me a long time, maybe a day, to even calm down enough to be myself. Ugh.
Funny thing is this, he’s the only one who sees this part of me. I’ve had other boyfriends before I met him and I never was like this. I don’t know why I can control myself with others and not him. I can’t really tell my friends about my intense rage episodes because honestly, I’m so ashamed and I can tell that Darling Husband is almost at the end of his rope. He’s very unhappy. We had an episode a week or so ago. It was over folding towels. It’s always the small things that trigger an episode. I don’t know what to do. I went to the library to do some research and see if I can get some books. I am just so freaked out. I’m in my 30’s. We are thinking of having kids but I don’t want to have kids if I can’t deal with Darling Husband. None of my family members would even believe him if he says how intense my rages can be. I am really at my wits end. I’ve read about bees that have had problems (intense jealousy, body image problems etc) that they have worked through. For those who did it without a therapist. How did you manage? For the bees, any tips for me? Thanks.
Post # 3
Do you have a place of worship? Sometimes you can meet with pastors, deacons, etc. and talk about issues. That might be an affordable place to start. You might also call your local mental health office/organization. They may have a sliding scale based fee system that you could afford. Universities might have clinics that have lower fees. Basically, you need to find a way to afford counseling.
Beyond that, I’d suggest learning yoga, meditation, etc. Something that you might be able to retreat to when you’re feeling overcome with rage. It’s not a substitute for professional counseling, but it might be helpful. (And it really can’t hurt.)
Post # 4
This could be an actual medical issue. Changes in personality are something to be concerned about, and you said you never used to be like this. Also, you know your rages are over trivial things, yet you are unable to control them. Since your insurance doesn’t cover therapy, I would suggest seing a regular doctor about this. They might not be able to do anything, but at least it would be something to cross off your list of possible causes.
Post # 5
It almost sounds like it’s triggered by anxiety. Are you obsessive/compulsive? My ex was OCD and he would have major fits when I wouldn’t do things to his standards. If it is anxiety or OCD, there are meds that can help … or if you’re not in a position to see a doctor, perhaps some self help books? Awareness is the key and it sounds like you’re at least to that point (recognizing that there is a problem and that the problem is yours).
Post # 6
When you feel it begin, can you just tell him that you need to take a time-out? Talk with him about it now, and then the next time you start feeling angry, tell him you’re going to take a time-out. Just drop what you’re doing. Take the five or ten minutes that you would be fighting with him, and instead, go outside or into a different room and breathe. Focus on something else. Take longer if you need to. When you’ve finally stepped away long enough to realize just how trivial the issue is and to calm down, then you can go back and re-enter the discussion.
Post # 7
I understand. There are times when I know I’m completely irrational and I just can’t get it under control. It takes huge amounts of willpower to drag myself away.
They are always related to my blood sugar levels. And if I’m sleep deprived and skip a meal, forget it; it’s like the Hulk, except instead of muscular and green, I turn into a psycho hate monster.
I suggest keeping track of your eating habits and see if regulating or adjusting them makes a difference. For me, I hate eating in the morning, but I’ve got to have something by ten or ten thirty, or I’m a cranky, nitpicking, fault finding monster (and it goes downhill from there). Snacks are so important, too. A few almonds or an apple here and there can be the difference between sunny happy Elvis and Elvis on a crying jag because Mr. E. didn’t make the bed.
And speaking of bed, keep an eye on your sleep habits too. Sometimes I can pull through tired or hungry, but combining the two is like a doomsday device.
Definitely make an appointment with a doctor as soon as your insurance straightens out.
Post # 8
Check your estrogen to progesteron ratio. Mine was way off and I was a flaming witch. I had explosive anger.
Post # 9
@Elvis: Agreed about the blood sugar.
I can tend to have intense anger issues too – where I’d be completley fine, and then the next minute I’m screaming and arguing because I’m so upset.
As soon as I stopped eating “carbs” (I still eat vegetables and a bit of fruit, but I mainly stick to healthy proteins and fats – sort of the “paleo” / Atkins way of eating) – my anger goes WAY down. The first couple days, you might be a bit more angry when your body is screaming for sugar and carbs, but once you get over the 3 day hump, my anger went way down.
Thin people CAN have insulin resistance / blood sugar problems, but it’s definetely more common and prevalent in overweight women. Are you overweight? Do you know if you have insulin resistance?
You could try eating low-carb/sugar-free for maybe 2 weeks, and see how your moods are. I know mine improved 150%.
Post # 10
I wish I had a place of worship to go to. But I am not religious at all so that crosses that out. It just pains me that the one person whose needs I should put above all else is the one person who sees this part of me. I am always so envious when I find out that folks can bicker and it doesn’t turn into a flaming quarel. We do bicker sometimes and it’s okay. But when it explodes…ugh, I feel sick just typing this. I haven’t seen a doctor yet. I know it’s something that never used to happen. Darling Husband says ‘Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m the one who is triggering your rage since you never seem to lose your temper with anyone else. Not your friends or your coworkers or anybody else’ and he does have a point. I should talk to a doctor about this.
@jacinda10: I am not overweight. I do exercise but not yoga. I jog and lift weights. I do eat carbs though. I will be keeping an eye on this thread. You guys are opening my eyes to other things now. Thanks everyone.
Post # 11
@blue_bee3849: Agreed, talk to a doc right away. This sounds like something that could be chemical more than psychological. Have them do a full blood workup.
Post # 12
I didn’t cut out carbs completely, but I definitely avoid refined carbs and most especially sugar & corn syrup. I get so bitchy after just one soda. I do a lot of baking with whole grains & multigrains, seeds, and nuts.
Post # 13
It most likely is a psychiatric issue. I have a similar problem – my anger only gets directed towards Fiance. But I have a slight mental disorder that causes me to not process things correctly, thus causing the anger. Unfortunately there is nothing I can do about it – Fiance just has to work to calm me down. It does not happen often, and always about small issues (last time was about how to wash dishes).
Post # 14
Thanks for your honest post, OP.
I feel I’ve become a different person lately too. I blame it on stress, wedding, hormones, being a redhead…but really, those are excuses. I worry post-wedding how my Fiance and I are going to live together afterwards, because I can fly off the handle really easily.
I’m not at the point that I am shaking mad, but I do feel I need to control my temper more.
My Fiance actually did an anger management class after his mom said she would never drive with him again! I can’t remember how much it cost him, but he did it when he was a poor student, so I don’t think it was that much.
He’s shared some of the tips with me as I’m the awful one. I will hang up the phone on him (we’re LDR) I know this is so disrespectful and immature, but in the heat of the moment I feel so much better when I hang up the phone. Now I tell him I need a time out, what pisses me off is he keeps trying to keep me on the phone. When FI’s respects me wanting a time out, this gives me the opportunity to cool down and afterwards what we’re fighting over (if it’s small) blows over and if it’s major I try it at a different approach (i.e. getting him to do something).
Hope that helps!
Post # 16
I’ve never had to deal with this problem, but I can sympathize with how agonizing it must be. I’m currently going through menopause, so my emotions are all over the place and sometimes I get irritable. Luckily, we both know it’s hormonal, so we’re both more tolerant of my moods.
As with any problem, knowing you have a problem and wanting to do something about it is a huge step in making things better. Here are some books that have very high customer ratings that you might want to check out. They’re self-help books and since you can’t afford to go to counseling, this might be the way to go. Amazon has pretty good prices on used books, and that’s how I usually buy my books, but if you can’t afford to buy them, maybe you can check them out at the library.
Good luck! I have a feeling everything is going to work out because you seem to have a really good attitude about it and really want to change this behavior.