How to deal with fall out/friend

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
653 posts
Busy bee

I think you should get over it? They are too adults and allowed to be friends. While it sucks you feel that way, there is nothing you can do about it. Also I’m not sure why you feel the need to belittle your cousin? Not sure what happened there but you said multiple times she has no friends but you. 

Post # 3
Member
462 posts
Helper bee

Oh bee, I mean this kindly: take a step back. You’re poking a toe into self-absorbed crazytown. She wished her happy birthday to make you jealous in case you saw it? Really..?

Your cousin doesn’t have friends but liked your friend a bit. Now that you’re no longer in her life she probably has room for a new friend and she kind of already likes this girl. I’m sure they’re not plotting your doom, but if you continue with this line of thought you’ll turn yourself into a bitter, paranoid person.

Post # 4
Member
4779 posts
Honey bee

Quite honestly I think you should deal with this through therapy.  You sound very paranoid, obsessive, and possessive to an unhealthy degree.  And a brief review of your post history seems to indicate a longstanding issue of being unable to resolve feelings about perceived wrongs or cope in a healthy manner to move on with your life. 

Post # 5
Member
334 posts
Helper bee

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violetrose90 :  It sounds like you’ve created this conspiracy theory in your head… 

Post # 6
Member
48 posts
Newbee

With the few details you’ve given it sounds like you should apologize to your cousin, she was allowed to have a life and get married even if the timing was bad in your relationship ending with your SO. Her life didn’t need to stop and planning a wedding and starting your Marty is all consuming for awhile. I would tell her your sorry for your part in the problems and tell her you miss her. And maybe make a therapy appointment to get to the root of your issues. You can all be friends, or you can stay on the outside by your own decision and be paranoid.

 

Post # 7
Member
718 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2005

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violetrose90 :  If someone hasnt told you already, you need to get to therapy stat. I have read over your previous post, and you have deep seated issues that go from obsessive behavior to paranoia. That is not normal. 

You need to book a therapist now. You clearly have no understanding that while its nice to have friends, they are allowed to have their own lives independent of you. 

Get off the crazy train and get to a therapist, if you arent careful you might blow up one of the few friendships you have. 

Post # 8
Member
3588 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

Agree with PP that you are creating an issue where none exists. Neither your cousin or your friend have demonstrated anything that would indicate that either one of them are talking about you behind your back or plotting against you. It does seem to be very paranoid to think that.

As you already acknowledged, you can’t tell them that they can’t be friends or comminate with each other, so you’re just going to have to get over this.

Post # 9
Member
1180 posts
Bumble bee

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violetrose90 :  I think it’s very likely that your bitterness at your cousin for “not being there for you” during your break up while she was planning a wedding (which is very stressful) might be skewed by your own perception.  She may feel you got upset with her without due cause and may see as an angry person who lashed out at her.  This friend of yours that you have in common may be of the same opinion as your cousin, and perhaps there is something that needs investigating in your mindset.  I had a friend from four to 20 who grew increasingly negative and critical of her friends, myself included.  If we confided our troubles we were dumping our problems on her.  If we shared good news, we were bragging.  And no one was ever “there for her” because our efforts were never what she wanted.  It took me ten years of her criticism of my friendship efforts, and really trying to figure out how to be a “better” friend to her, before I finally realized that the problem all along was her own negative, critical nature.  And I knew just where she got it…her negative, critical father.

I also suggest therapy to allow for an objective review of what you’re experiencing and feeling and how you’re reacting to be sure that you’re processing things healthily.  I suspect you could benefit from therapy.

Post # 10
Member
7080 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

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violetrose90 :  I think you just need to forget about people who you no longer want to associate with. If it bugs you that much, block her. But you need to move on if you can’t forgive and forget.

Post # 11
Member
1090 posts
Bumble bee

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violetrose90 :  I remember when I was 13, and my friend told me I couldn’t be friends with my friend, who was her ex friend, and I had to chose between her and my other friend, or else we couldn’t be friends anymore.

Bee, you’re a 30-year-old woman…

Post # 12
Member
464 posts
Helper bee

I’m not trying to sound snarky, but this honestly reads like something a teenager would write. You take social media way too seriously, and you sound very angry and bitter.  Maybe you need to reach out to your cousin and clear the air. 

Post # 13
Member
434 posts
Helper bee

Please see a therapist. Your posts are throwing up all sorts of flags for a certain disorder. From someone in a similar age bracket, you ened to get off social media and stop obessing over things like whether someone adds emoticons in their messages to you or not, and people wish each other Happy Birthday all the time on social media without actually being close, or even friends. 

Stop obessing over your ex, stop obsessing over your friends, and definitely stop obsessing over who they’re talking to, hanging out with etc.

People are allowed to have a life apart and separate from us, and their relationship with us; how you got to 30 without realizing that is a bit shocking.

Post # 14
Member
208 posts
Helper bee

If she has no friends and just lost you, wouldn’t it make sense for her to look for other friends? Also, life will be easier for you if you accept the fact that you will be talked about when you aren’t around, it’s just life and is nothing to stress about. 

Post # 15
Member
6793 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

To be clear- was your “awful breakup” the 6 month thing with the guy who was half assing for the last 3 months of it? The guy you were continuing to obsess over for more than a year afterward? The thing that really wasn’t a thing but you insisted on trying to make it a thing and getting support about it?

Frankly, if I was planning my wedding and my cousin (or friend) had a relationship of a few months end, I would not turn my focus from my life and the things I had going on to caretake her because she was heartbroken over something of such a brief duration. In fact, I would think she was incredibly self absorbed and immature for expecting it.

Your posts and the way you talk about things remind me of a friend I met in college. While her friends (including me) grew up, found partnerships and new priorities in life, she, for some reason, could not move beyond the stage of late teens/early 20s. She created dramas for no reason; she called crying as though she was heartbroken about really minor issues and she seemed to get entangled in her fantasies about people and life and get stuck in them. She had a lot of mental health issues that she needed to address and during our 20s, I finally realized that I wasn’t capable of doing that for her (nor was I willing to) and I started pulling back, answering the phone less, basically just checking in to see if she was okay. She continued the melodramatic cycles into her mid 30s and during that time, I watched her have brief interactions with men and try to make them into relationships (they never were) and break ups with friends and being unstable in pretty much every arena of her life associated with human interraction. And when she eventually had another dramatic episode with me, casting herself as the victim and me as the villain, I let her do it and deleted her ass from my phone. It was a massive relief to not see her calling anymore because she was just such a vortex of unhealthy neediness and toxicity at that point.

It has been suggested, OP, by several different people in several of your previous posts, that you look into therapy. Have you done that at all? You need to take your mental health seriously and get some real professional support because it seems like you have been struggling for several years.

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