Post # 1
First of all, I apologise for the vent.. but I desperately need it.
I got engaged last month and we are planning on getting married next May, so that gives us a little over a year to plan. I am trying to include my mum but she wants to take over everything from the smallest little detail.
She hates round cakes and only likes fruit cake as a wedding cake, and says mine has to be like this. I am gluten intolerant and hate fruit cake.. plus gf fruit cake is either sickeningly moist or dry as anything. I don’t want a wedding with more than 65 people, so I have chosen the 25 people I am closest to (including close friends and family) and since my fiance has a bigger family and we have mutual friends I am letting him write down a list for the remaining 40. Yet my mother wants her own friends to be invited when I’m only inviting the bare minimum of my own.
It really doesn’t help that now my fiance and his mum knows my mum wants more people, my fiance’s family think they are entitled to more guests which is more expensive on my behalf. My fiance didn’t want a huge wedding either, but now that my mum has said this I think he would like to invite more people on his side.
I’m feeling so overwhelmed and just don’t know how to deal with my mother being so pushy. I am paying for this myself with the help of my fiance and we want it our way. Believe me I’ve told my mum this and she still thinks she has the right to push her point. When she got married 35 years ago her cake topper is a white church.. with no bride or groom on it unlike most wedding toppers I have seen. She also wants me to put this on a square, fruit cake.
Have any other Bees had problems like this? I’m finding it so stressful and difficult to hold my tongue and try not to offend anyone, but it is really testing me!
Post # 3
@sunshinewish15: If you and Fiance are paying for the wedding yourselves, then you two absolutely get to make all of the decisions! I think it might help to break everything to a cost per plate so your mom and Mother-In-Law can understand why inviting one more person IS a big deal. Also, is there any way you can give them set numbers of guests and be clear that there are no exceptions? Your Future Mother-In-Law isn’t entitled to the same number of guests your mom is inviting, and your mom certainly isn’t entitled to push her opinions on you.
Divide and conquer! Have Fiance deal with his mom and you deal with yours.
Post # 4
I’m so sorry your in this situation! Planning and pleasing everyone is so stressful! I take that back, planning is stressful pleasing everyone is impossible! I think it sounds like you and your fiance really know what you both want for YOUR special day. I think you are very sweet to keep your mums and others opinions in mind but in the end it really is your and your fiances day. Considering you both are funding it she doesn’t have the final word! I know how pushy mums can be, I had to give my mom an ultimatium of either hopping on board or missing out on the entire wedding process with her only daughter. It was one of the scariest things I’ve done but I am so happy she made the right call and now she has been the one to make this process really special! Even though she has her moments…
Hang in there!
Post # 5
@sunshinewish15: Just keep telling your mum that you’re paying so you choose the guest list.
You could use the same line on the cake, or you could say, “I’ll think about it”, and then don’t tell her until you’ve ordered it and it’s too late.
“She hates round cakes”. Lol, that’s a new one. What, is she afraid of being stabbed by a corner?
Post # 6
@sunshinewish15: First of all, congratulations on your engagement! 🙂
Next, I’m going to suggest you have your mother just email you all these suggestions. Then send them all into the trash folder. Smile.
Okay, so that’s a bit mean, but I know it’s hard because it’s MOM. Just tell her flat out that it’s yours and your FI’s wedding, your own budget, and your own decisions. If she keeps ‘suggesting’ things, smile, thank her for the input, and do your own thing. If she doesn’t like it, what’s she going to do, not pay for the wedding? *wink*
I’m sure lots of Bees have similar advice to share. And vent away, it’s what we’re all here for sometimes.
Post # 7
I’m a 3 time MOB and we pay for our girls’ weddings (well almost all of it) and their weddings are their visions and that is my goal each time. So far they have all told me I did very well in that regard.
My advice is this: you guys are paying but the moms are demanding things you don’t want. You and Fiance need to get alone together, refocus on what you want your wedding to be, and make it happen. STOP talking to the moms if they can’t butt out with their demands. You and Fiance decide what you want, make it happen, and tell them AFTER you have done it. This doesn’t sound like it is going to be one of those times when you and your mum are going to be going out and doing the dreamy wedding planning thingy.
Make the guest list YOU want, choose the cake YOU GUYS want, get your venues and vendors and when everything is signed and sealed, tell them about it (but you need to have each other’s back here and not bend to their demands!). Good luck to you!
Post # 8
Are you and your Fiance paying for the cake? If so, order whatever you want. If she’s really controlling, you can call the bakery and tell them that the order can only be changed by you personally – not to take instructions from anyone else.
Are you/FI paying for the majority of the wedding? If so, make your guest list, ignore both mothers and make sure you and Fiance buy and mail the invitations (and are the ones who the RSVPs are sent back to).
Honestly, your mother and Future Mother-In-Law can say and whine about whatever they want, but if you are paying and making the decisions, that’s all they can do. You and Fiance can be polite about it while still making sure your wedding is just that – your wedding!
Post # 9
This sucks! Good luck :/ I am having issues too…
Post # 10
This. Well said!!
I had an issue similar to this for the first few planning months of my wedding. Mind you, I was a terrible bride because I didn’t know really what I wanted. Some things I was picky on, some I wasn’t, some things I thought I wasn’t picky on, I turned out to be picky on etc…. but when it came down to it and my mom would offer up ideas that I didn’t like it caused some issues. She was just trying to give me the most beautiful wedding imaginable, so it came from a good place, but the idea of beautiful is very subjective. lol In the end, I wound up doing exactly what @hermom:
said. If she gave me an idea that I didn’t like, I just made the decision myself and moved on. Try to make everyone happy and no one winds up happy.