(Closed) How to deal with family members who don't support your engagement 100%?

posted 3 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
1309 posts
Bumble bee

What exactly is the rush to be married? You are 19, have never lived away from home, have no means of supporting yourself, and one of the reasons your Boyfriend or Best Friend wants to get married is so “no feelings of doubt enter your mind?” WTF is that? 

Slow your roll, dear.

Post # 3
Member
816 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

It sounds like you’re rushing things a bit, and I say that as someone who got engaged relatively young. You don’t want to let any doubts pop up? What happens if those doubts are valid? I don’t know, something about this makes me think you two should date for a while before really deciding this…it’s one thing for your partner to help you grow as a person, but the whole “oh I’m so innocent and he wants to teach me!” thing smacks of really messed up power dynamics.

Also, it sounds like your parents have already given their blessing, provided you hold off on the wedding for a few years, so why is it a big deal to tell them that you’re engaged? Are you planning to go ahead and have the wedding now anyways? It sounds like they’re on board, so just tell them. Plenty of engagements nowadays are around two years long or more anyways.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  almostaudrey.
Post # 4
Member
1309 posts
Bumble bee

Oh, just saw that you’ve been together for a whole six months. Yeah, good luck with that. I really doubt there will be anything you can say to make your parents support this, and I can’t say I disagree with them.

Post # 5
Member
9528 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I agree with your parents. This has so many red flags. You hardly know a person at 6 months, especially if you have not lived together. They are being pretty supportive if all they are asking is for you to wait a few years. 

He wants to help you grow because you are innocent at times? YOU need to figure your life out as a young adult and YOU need to grow independently. You can be in a relationship but hitting life milestones is key to developing into a mature adult. finishing a degree and starting a career is part of it. I would be suspicious of a man with such an age difference who wants to help someone grow up

Post # 6
Hostess
3854 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

beebee1983:  100% agree.

OP, my now-FI and I were 19 6 months into our relationship.  Please wait.  There are so many changes the two of you will be facing.  Take more time to get to know each other.  Getting married to show more commitment because you have doubts is not a good reason.  I highly suggest finishing your education, becoming financially dependant, and living out of your parent’s house before getting married.  I know this isn’t the advice you want, but if the relationship is meant to last forever, waiting until you know each other better and are more independant will only make it stronger. 

FWIW, we’ll be getting married in a few months and will be 27.  I do not at all regret not getting married sooner because I now am going into this marriage as an attorney who has lived on her own for 9 years with a savings account and retirement money.  At 18 when I met my Fiance, I was just starting college and incredible naive, even though I thought I was such an adult (hint: part of becoming an adult is realizing how little about adulting you actually do know!).  I’m much more sure of my decision, as is my Fiance.  We’ve weathered undergrad, his masters, my law school, his job loss, my almost layoff, lived in 5 different states, and been in the same city as well as long distance.  He is not in the career he originally planned.  We knew very early on that our relationship would lead to marriage, but not rushing has been so much more satisfying. 

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  missinthecity.
Post # 7
Member
1309 posts
Bumble bee

theatrejulia:  Yeah, that part is more than a little creepy. Five years isn’t a huge age difference, but the maturity level between 19 and 24 is pretty significant. Much more so than like 25 and 30. 

Post # 8
Member
2606 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - Valleybrook Country Club

Red Flags:

Not allow feeling of doubt enter into your mind – Sounds controlling

You’re 19 -Very young to be making a life long decision such as marriage

You’ve been dating for 6 months -There is plenty that you do not know about each other still

Your extended family has no idea you even have a Boyfriend or Best Friend let alone a Fiance. -That’s going to be a shock and you’ll get more people who agree with your parents trying to talk you out of it

You are hiding it from your parents -shows immaturity. If you’re ready to get married, you should be ready to face your parents

You are just entering your second year of county college -How do you expect to support yourself/wedding/household together while you’re still in school?

I’m sorry I have to say I agree with your parents. I think you should wait a few years. In the end, you will be grateful. If you are going to be together forever, you’ll both still be there for each other in 2 years, what’s the rush?

Post # 9
Member
329 posts
Helper bee

Honestly I totally agree with your parents and I think marriage won’t prevent doubt coming in, but since you’re not asking me about what I think about your relationship…

The two of you asked and your parents have told you honestly the conditions in which they would be supportive. You’ve decided that you don’t want to wait that long and went ahead with the engagement. So you’re just going to have to own it. You either accept that and acknowledge that you went against your parents’ wishes, or you tell them about your engagement, but compromise by having a long one. 

I don’t really see any other option unless you want to be estranged from your family. They care about you so they gave an opinion that reflects that care. So obviously they’re going to be a bit hurt and maybe disappointed. You’re just going to have to go in sure of your decision, but with a listening ear and an open heart. 

Post # 10
Member
1420 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I agree with your parents. You can be engaged but don’t start planning a wedding yet. You have a lot of life to live ahead of you, don’t rush things.

Post # 11
Member
590 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I’ve never believed age itself is an issue but maturity certainly is. I think if you don’t know how to sit down with your parents and tell them news like that you really aren’t mature enough to get married – if you plan on making adult decisions you have to be prepared to be an adult and handle yourself as such. I also agree with your parents that getting married while still in school (and presumably still living at home) is ill advised. I’d wait until you have a career and means to support yourself and contribute to a life with this man finically before getting married. 

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