Post # 1
Hi little background – my husband and I have been married 3 years. His family moved from abroad to states other than where we live within the past year and a half. I love him very much and I can’t imagine a better match for me in most ways. The problem: when it comes to his family I definitely feel like the 9th wheel so to speak. It’s been him, his parents, sister/bro-law for long time and now two new nieces. I’m left off of “family” emails almost always, texts etc…almost never included on emails with pictures of the family (nieces). So, we visit them and he’s with his nieces the whole time…like the whole time…we escaped to the grocery store and i hugged him and kissed him in teh middle of the store saying I miss being able to do this, and he’s like yeah well its nice to visit my nieces. I say when we get home, its nice to be home (normal right – fromt eh chaos of 2 children, being in ones own bed) and…”yeah well its nice to visit little nieces.” His niece was playing with a friend at hte pool and we’re on teh side and he was making comments that the niece ditched him for the friend and I’m like Ok am I not pleasant to be sitting with for 10 minutes?? We’ve been considering renovating our condo and he would not discuss any renovation designs or anything…his Dad visits, talks everything through with him, and then all of a sudden he wants to talk and is presenting me with ideas from THEM…they even went to the store to look at things for the condo while i was working. I felt really hurt, I ask why only after Dad’s stamp of approval we can talk about things now. Other things, he talks to his family literally 10 times a day between texts and phone calls – maybe even more. Whatever i can deal but it is a little annoying…its beyond me why they feel the need to give play by plays of the day but lets say most of them dont work. When his family lived away it wasn’t so pronounced because of the time difference, now its really noticeable. So anyway, I do say sometimes like about feeling ignored when we’re visiting them and he asks me if I’m jealous of his nieces…I’m not jealous (I totally appreciate the time he spends with them and that he cares for them – it would be a turnoff if he didnt care) but it would be nice to still feel like a wife and important. I also told him i wasnt happy about the condo thing. His parents are always very nice to me, sister is just OK. I feel like if we have a baby, it will be the baby, everyone else and then me at the end. His parents asked me about having children this past visit (which is fine, that’s normal) but at the end his dad says “he NEEDS a baby.” Like what am I chopped liver? It’s like can he be happy just the two of us too? I’m feeling pressure from my husband about the baby as well. Have you ever felt like this? What did you do? I would feel so sad if this didnt work out, but I dont know if i can live forever feeling in last place.
Post # 2
I’m not usually included in my husband’s family emails because they know he will share them with me, so why does it matter? And when we visit, the attention is always focused on the kids, and I think that’s how it should be. He gets me every day, why should he ignore his nieces on my behalf for a few days? I’ll be there when the trip is over.
Post # 3
- Wedding: October 2019 - City, State
januaryj: You are his wife. It’s about time you start to be treated like it. My first question is, do they include his sister’s spouse on emails? if so, I would simply email them all and say “hey all! I noticed i’m left off of family emails. I don’t always get them since Husband sometimes forgets to tell me and figured it would be easier if I was just included on the emails too 🙂 Here is my current email address: [email protected]. I hope this email finds everyone happy and healthy. with love, january”
Of course, let your husband know you’re planning on sending the email and offer to let him do it first, but one way or another make it clear the message will be sent, whether it’s by him or you.
As for his nieces, I kind of think you’re just sensitive to this stuff given how little he seems to value your opinion over his family. I think once he starts to make you and his life with you the focus, this won’t seem so amplified.
Post # 4
If my Fiance practically ignored me while visiting his family, I’d make a point not to go in the future. I’d say have your time w/ them and I’ll see you when you get back.
Now, I personally prefer not to be on any email list. In our case, his sisters are full of drama and gossip and I refuse to take part. I even blocked one sister on FB.
Post # 5
Maybe he just gets homesick/misses his family or feels like he is missing out on them. DH does everything with his family (theres 6 kids total) & always has, & sometimes when we get home after a few days of doing things with them constantly, im like wow, we havent like even cuddled or just talked by ourselves in days.. I love it but i hate it. When we first moved in together it was his first time not living with his family & he had a really hard time with it, & it made me feel horrible- like arent you happy being with me?? but its not usually really about you. DH’s family has “family group texting” which he gets texts for all the time & it seems kinda annoying, i sometimes feel left out but DH fills me in on most of what they say & sometimes i just ask if i see his phone blowing up from family texting. Honestly i dont think you need to be included in family emails, & i dont really care that im not. even though yes, I am DH’s family now, they will always be his first family & for now, without kids currently, im okay with that.
Ask SO to fill you in more, & maybe see if he gets homesick when not spending time with family.
Post # 6
I agree completely with Petals2002. My Fi and I went to visit his father. Instead, it turned into him visting his old friends while I milked a beer at the bar. My last visit there. Love you man, with all my heart, but see you when you return!
Post # 7
It does sound like he is a little overly attached to his family though.
Post # 8
They may not really “see” you as part of the family because you don’t act like you are? Why don’t you go play with the nieces too instead of sitting alone sulking because your hubby isn’t giving you 100% of his attention. Or go chat up your Mother-In-Law for recipes?
In our family, DH’s niece and nephew are MY niece and nephew, and my nieces and nephew are his. My brother’s kids LOVE my DH and my DH is treated as part of the family because he involves himself with them, as I do his family.
Post # 9
Yeah… On the one hand yep, it does sound like he might be ab it overly attached to his family.
On the other, it also sounds like you’re unwilling to work with it. As PP said.. go talk to his family, play with his neices, etc… why is he the only one you can get attention from? They’re not even in-state, so it’s not like he sees them and ignores you every weekend…. (if that’s the case, then yeah that’s too much). If you want to be seen as part of the family, try to be part of the family.
Post # 10
Was he like this before getting married ? if so why complain now ?
I am a firm believer in people do not change often, why marry a man who you know is overly involved with his family. This would be a big red flag for me, if a man is overly attached to the apron strings then that behaviour is likely to continue after marriage. Speak up set boundaries and tell him what you think is acceptable and go from there.
Post # 11
Hi! Thanks for the responses everyone. I appreciate it. Just to answer a few questions from above. I do try to make myself feel a part of things when I’m visiting with them by playing with the nieces, talking with the parents and all of that, but I dont feel the need to play with them at every waking moment. The eldest is cute but can act like a spoiled brat, which I have no tolerance for. Tantrums and meltdowns were never tolerated in my household. Also before we got married, I knew he spoke to them frequently during the day (whatever I’m over that) but our visits and htings like that beforehand were under different conditions – we werent’ staying in a house with 8 people altogether under 1 roof. I had 8 people for Thanksgivving in our 2 bedroom apt..all my friends thought I was crazy for doing it. This whole 8 people under a roof has been something new, and I feel like I can handle it for like a couple days and that’s it. Beforehand we ever stayed at most 4 to a home. It’s a totally different thing when you have 1/2 going home at night. We’re planning to go for Christmas with all 8 and I told him i think the most I can do is 5 days – he wants to stay 7 – his response to me is what are we going to do at home (major metropolitan city) if we go back after 5 days…um like spend quality time together…in our NEW city. Also, the sister’s husband is on almost every email – the ones I’m left off of. Like I get that he’s been around longer than me but it would seriously be nice to be included sometimes – not always but sometimes. I know for a fact his sister leaves me off of emails. I was mad because there was a big milestone in their daughters life and I had just been visiting with them touring her school and all of that and wasn’t included.. I mentioned to my husband and told him I didnt want him to show me anymore pictures because if she wanted me to see them she’d be sending them. He noticed thereafter that I wasnt on any of them and asked her – she said she didnt want to “bother me.” I also asked for pictures at Christmas of the daugher opening our present and my hsuband gets them and not me…meanwhile I shared all my family pictures with them. My SIL doesnt get along with my brother in laws sister either…I’m starting to wonder if this is a trend with her…I know his family feels like she took them away from her. I’m tired of sharing and getting nothing back. So, that’s it – I’ve been trying not to bother with emails. I do try my best to be nice and welcoming in person. I feel like a lot of this is making me feel hesitant about having a baby and all of that…I would be a working mother (they are not) and I’m seriously worried about continuing to feel like the 8th wheel..chid, family, me…I
Post # 12
I disagree with most of the other responses. If I were you I would be hurt. You’re his wife, you’re supposed to be his primary family now. The suggestion to just not go with him would work if you just didn’t like his family but that doesn’t sound like it’s the case. It sounds like you really want to be part of his family but that your husband makes you feel like you’re not as good as them, which sucks.
And yeah I’ve been in a similar situation with the nieces thing and it bugged me. People won’t understand if they haven’t been in the situation because “they’re just kids it’s totally different”. If he acted excited to be with you and to be with his niece then you would probably be fine, but the issue is your husband is making you feel like you don’t make him as happy as his nieces do, of course any loving wife would be sad! You DO want him to have a good relationship with his nieces, you just don’t want to feel like chopped liver. It’s probably especially frustrating because you likely feel ridiculous for feeling jealous of children for your husband’s affection. I don’t think you’re being ridiculous though, I think your husband should be making you feel more appreciated/loved than he is.
Unfortunately it’s a really hard topic to bring up with him because you don’t want him to feel like he HAS to give you more attention, you want him to WANT to give your more attention. I recommend trying something like the next time you visit his family, don’t pay any attention to him. Do your own thing with his family different from what he’s doing. For example, if he’s playing with his nieces, then you ask his sister if she wants to take a walk/ grab a drink/ whatever that’s not where he is. Maybe then he will realize he misses you and be more appreciative of your presence. Plus you’ll gain brownie points with whoever you hang out with and will probably have a good time without him!
Post # 13
PP have really said everything – you need to start including yourself. Yes it sucks that your husband spends that amount of time with his family but do you see them that often? Maybe he’s trying to make up for lost time. Something doesn’t seem right about everything you’ve said.
ETA: I have felt like this before. DH’s step-sisters are very close, and it seems like there’s no way of getting in. I’m kinda quiet around them, and it did take me a little while to open up. I just went at it with baby steps. Finally, this year, we all got a photo together on Mother’s Day. Since then I’ve really 100% felt part of the family. Just have patience.