(Closed) How to deal with feeling like your husband's family is priority?

posted 5 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
462 posts
Helper bee

I’m not usually included in my husband’s family emails because they know he will share them with me, so why does it matter? And when we visit, the attention is always focused on the kids, and I think that’s how it should be. He gets me every day, why should he ignore his nieces on my behalf for a few days? I’ll be there when the trip is over. 

Post # 3
Member
6036 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

 

januaryj:  You are his wife. It’s about time you start to be treated like it. My first question is, do they include his sister’s spouse on emails? if so, I would simply email them all and say “hey all! I noticed i’m left off of family emails. I don’t always get them since Husband sometimes forgets to tell me and figured it would be easier if I was just included on the emails too 🙂 Here is my current email address: [email protected]. I hope this email finds everyone happy and healthy. with love, january”

Of course, let your husband know you’re planning on sending the email and offer to let him do it first, but one way or another make it clear the message will be sent, whether it’s by him or you.

As for his nieces, I kind of think you’re just sensitive to this stuff given how little he seems to value your opinion over his family. I think once he starts to make you and his life with you the focus, this won’t seem so amplified.

 

Post # 4
Member
1047 posts
Bumble bee

If my Fiance practically ignored me while visiting his family, I’d make a point not to go in the future. I’d say have your time w/ them and I’ll see you when you get back. 

Now, I personally prefer not to be on any email list. In our case, his sisters are full of drama and gossip and I refuse to take part. I even blocked one sister on FB. 

Post # 5
Member
1418 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Maybe he just gets homesick/misses his family or feels like he is missing out on them. DH does everything with his family (theres 6 kids total) & always has, & sometimes when we get home after a few days of doing things with them constantly, im like wow, we havent like even cuddled or just talked by ourselves in days.. I love it but i hate it. When we first moved in together it was his first time not living with his family & he had a really hard time with it, & it made me feel horrible- like arent you happy being with me?? but its not usually really about you. DH’s family has “family group texting” which he gets texts for all the time & it seems kinda annoying, i sometimes feel left out but DH fills me in on most of what they say & sometimes i just ask if i see his phone blowing up from family texting. Honestly i dont think you need to be included in family emails, & i dont really care that im not. even though yes, I am DH’s family now, they will always be his first family & for now, without kids currently, im okay with that.

Ask SO to fill you in more, & maybe see if he gets homesick when not spending time with family.

Post # 6
Member
2869 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I agree completely with Petals2002. My Fi and I went to visit his father. Instead, it turned into him visting his old friends while I milked a beer at the bar. My last visit there. Love you man, with all my heart, but see you when you return!

Post # 7
Member
1418 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

It does sound like he is a little overly attached to his family though.

Post # 8
Member
3563 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

They may not really “see” you as part of the family because you don’t act like you are? Why don’t you go play with the nieces too instead of sitting alone sulking because your hubby isn’t giving you 100% of his attention.  Or go chat up your Mother-In-Law for recipes?  

In our family, DH’s niece and nephew are MY niece and nephew, and my nieces and nephew are his.  My brother’s kids LOVE my DH and my DH is treated as part of the family because he involves himself with them, as I do his family.  

 

Post # 9
Member
9399 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

Yeah… On the one hand yep, it does sound like he might be ab it overly attached to his family.

On the other, it also sounds like you’re unwilling to work with it.  As PP said.. go talk to his family, play with his neices, etc… why is he the only one you can get attention from?  They’re not even in-state, so it’s not like he sees them and ignores you every weekend…. (if that’s the case, then yeah that’s too much).  If you want to be seen as part of the family, try to be part of the family.

Post # 10
Member
514 posts
Busy bee

Was he like this before getting married ? if so why complain now ?

I am a firm believer in people do not change often, why marry a man who you know is overly involved with his family. This would be a big red flag for me, if a man is overly attached to the apron strings then that behaviour is likely to continue after marriage. Speak up set boundaries and tell him what you think is acceptable and go from there. 

 

Post # 12
Member
418 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
januaryj:  

I disagree with most of the other responses. If I were you I would be hurt. You’re his wife, you’re supposed to be his primary family now. The suggestion to just not go with him would work if you just didn’t like his family but that doesn’t sound like it’s the case. It sounds like you really want to be part of his family but that your husband makes you feel like you’re not as good as them, which sucks.

And yeah I’ve been in a similar situation with the nieces thing and it bugged me. People won’t understand if they haven’t been in the situation because “they’re just kids it’s totally different”. If he acted excited to be with you and to be with his niece then you would probably be fine, but the issue is your husband is making you feel like you don’t make him as happy as his nieces do, of course any loving wife would be sad! You DO want him to have a good relationship with his nieces, you just don’t want to feel like chopped liver. It’s probably especially frustrating because you likely feel ridiculous for feeling jealous of children for your husband’s affection. I don’t think you’re being ridiculous though, I think your husband should be making you feel more appreciated/loved than he is.

Unfortunately it’s a really hard topic to bring up with him because you don’t want him to feel like he HAS to give you more attention, you want him to WANT to give your more attention. I recommend trying something like the next time you visit his family, don’t pay any attention to him. Do your own thing with his family different from what he’s doing. For example, if he’s playing with his nieces, then you ask his sister if she wants to take a walk/ grab a drink/ whatever that’s not where he is. Maybe then he will realize he misses you and be more appreciative of your presence. Plus you’ll gain brownie points with whoever you hang out with and will probably have a good time without him!

Post # 13
Member
1953 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

PP have really said everything – you need to start including yourself. Yes it sucks that your husband spends that amount of time with his family but do you see them that often? Maybe he’s trying to make up for lost time. Something doesn’t seem right about everything you’ve said.

ETA: I have felt like this before. DH’s step-sisters are very close, and it seems like there’s no way of getting in. I’m kinda quiet around them, and it did take me a little while to open up. I just went at it with baby steps. Finally, this year, we all got a photo together on Mother’s Day. Since then I’ve really 100% felt part of the family. Just have patience.

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