(Closed) How to deal with fiance's ex

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
18 posts
Newbee

Your fiance has moved on, his ex has not.  He needs to sit her down and explain to her that, while they can still be friends, he is with someone new and can’t be her main source of emotional support.  This will be difficult since she is bipolar and isolated.  Perhaps he can encourage her to seek therapy and a support group, which could introduce her to others in her situation.   It sounds like he loves you very much, but pities her since she has no one else.  He needs to realize that you are his #1 now and the ex will have to make do on her own.

Post # 18
Member
9168 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

This should have been addressed a long time ago if you weren’t comfortable with it. I don’t think you can force him to stop being friends. You can voice your concern and offer your idea for a resolution, but after that it’s his choice to make.  Good luck.

Post # 19
Member
5708 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I don’t see the problem with him being friend with her, BUT if she is calling him at odd hours that is a concern. Perhpas you guys can compromise. I don’t think it is fair he has to give up a friendship, which clearly it is or you wouldn’t be enageged to him, and he hasn’t done anything to betray your trust.

 

Post # 20
Member
320 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I wouldn’t have allowed a friendship with an ex to have continued from the moment we started dating, much less wanting to hang out or calling in the middle of the night. That is just beyond rude and disrespectful. This woman clearly has no boundaries and doesn’t care whether your fiance is engaged or married and this behavior is not going to stop. I would tell your fiance how uncomfortable her behavior makes your and request that it stops. If she’s that unstable, she really should be seeking out a good therapist, not her ex fiance.

If he finds that he can’t separate himself from her and put an end to whatever type of friendship they have, then I would think twice about marrying him. You should be #1 at this point, not her. If you don’t end it now, this woman is going to be coming prancing around for the next century.

Post # 21
Member
4685 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

I wouldn’t tell my Fiance who he could be friends with. I would however make sure he knew what the boundaries were for friends that happen to also be ex’s. I would put the same restrictions on other people too, aside from family or an actual emergency. I think him being friends with this ex isn’t an issue as long as it doesn’t interfere with your relationship, which it seems like it is. I would decide what is ok wth you and what makes you uncomfortable and let him know that he’s going to have to put your feelings on this before her because you are his fiance, not her. It is not unreasonable to expect that she won’t call in the middle of the night. It is also not unreasonable to limit the one on one visits they have given that she only seems to want one on one time and it’s always in your absence. Your Fiance needs to be the one to set the  boundaries with her and protect his relationship, otherwise you will come off as a controlling biatch to this girl which may make things even harder on both you and your Fiance. He should take the lead here after you sit down with him and talk. If my Fiance either didn’t agree, or refusedto address the situation and handle it, that would be an even bigger problem for me. But before anything, have a talk with him and be firm about what your limits are and give rational reasons as to why you feel how you do.

Post # 22
Member
717 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

You shouldn’t have to deal with the situation. In fact, you shouldn’t HE SHOULD. If he can’t or refuses to, when you just found something out about the man you’re about to marry.

Post # 23
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Boundaries are a good thing!

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