Post # 1
Hi Bees. I have no idea how to respond to this situation. I met this guy while we lived in the same complex when I was in undergrad. We were mostly acquaintances. We would let our dogs play if we were out at the same time, and we would sometimes swap dogsitting for each other. It was always about the dogs. Then, it got to the point where he would knock on the door, asking if I was busy and if the dogs would like to play. I was way too nice, and this guy was so socially awkward. So I would let him in, and we would sit and watch TV while the dogs played. I came to realize very quickly that this guy had literally no friends. Coming over to my apartment was his only social interaction outside of work, and he started to make me slightly uncomfortable. He found me on facebook and would get offended if I didn’t respond to the dozens of articles he’d send me every couple days. I had already started to seriously scale back on the time I was spending with him before I met my ex husband, but it was really a final straw when this guy kept knocking on the door when we were in the middle of intimate moments (and wouldn’t stop knocking for a while because he could tell I was home), so my ex husband set further boundaries than I already had. Told him only to come by if he was invited.
When I moved away for law school, I figured I was pretty much done with this guy. He tapered off communication for a few years, and I didn’t ever initiate it myself. I suppose it was because I got married (he lost hope or something?), and I didn’t mind the occasional chat (once or twice per month). But, after my divorce, there was really an uptick in his messaging on facebook. He started getting upset about my lack of responses again. I told him that unfortunately, I have a life outside of facebook, and while I appreciated his friendship, I was focused on rebuilding my social life OFF of fb post-divorce and was going to have to ask that he respect my personal boundaries. He insisted that I was his best friend, and that he found it incredibly hurtful that we hadn’t seen each other in years. I told him I had no interest in meeting up. He confessed his love for me. I told him I would never be able to reciprocate, and that if we couldn’t keep things casual and as friends, I was going to have to cut off contact. That stymied him for a while… he went back to communicating with me sporadically.
Naturally, that didn’t last. About a year ago, I blocked him from my facebook when he wouldn’t stop trying to get me to agree to “just one date”. I subsequently blocked him from my phone after I received 70ish text messages and 30+ calls in an hour while I was at my grandmother’s birthday party. He then started messaging all of my friends to get a hold of me, so they blocked him, too. It was a fiasco. He tried calling me from several different numbers, but as I don’t answer numbers I don’t know, that wasn’t a problem. That stopped about 6 months ago. Today, he tried calling me at work. I told the receptionist to tell him I was unavailable. If he calls back again, I’m considering a restraining order. While I like to think he’s harmless, I’m becoming a little frightened by his persistence. Not to mention incredibly annoyed.
Have any of you Bees had similar experiences? Am I right to be nervous, or am I overreacting? As far as I know, he doesn’t know where I live, but…
Post # 2
You’re not overreacting and I’d be nervous too. He’s out of control. I’d talk to the police or an attorney. I don’t have any similar experiences so maybe other bees with be more helpful.
Post # 3
I agree with restraining order. No one should be allowed to make you uncomfortable. That’s honestly psychotic.
Post # 4
Oh that would make me way nervous. Do you think just threatening him with a restraining order would make him stop? Or would that just make him angry?
Post # 5
Yes please get a restraining order. He sounds dangerous. 30+ calls and 70+ texts in an hour? Thats insane. Does he know where you currently live?
Post # 6
I would document as much as you can, get a lawyer to draw up a letter demanding he stop. Inform everyone around you about this so he stop trying to use them to get to you. Be careful , sbd you might want to talk to the police too, even just for documentation.
Post # 7
ChasingZenith : Definitely get a restraining order, and be sure to establish a code word with neighbors and/ or friends. That way if he does show up you can alert someone without tipping him off. Put whatever records you have of his emails/texts in a secure place. Please be careful.
Post # 8
You are definitely not overreacting. I would absolutely look into a restraining order.
I’m so sorry you are going through this.
Post # 9
Bee, this makes me frightened for you. What you’re describing is a worrying pattern of escalation. Does he know where you live? Please, please pursue a restraining order. I’m alarmed he knows where you work, because he could easily follow you home. Please be very cautious, make sure all your friends are aware (it sounds like they already know), and consider carrying pepper spray or taking other safety precautions. You may also want to have a buddy you check in with.
Post # 10
That’s scary, he’s scary I hope you’re ok 🤗 get a restraining order and document everything. Hope this gets resolved and stay safe until he stops!!
Post # 11
You’re not overreacting. Make copies of everything and go to the police. Try for a restraining order.
I had a stalker once. It was a terrifying experience. I slept with my dog next to me and a stun gun on the bedside table for a long time. He stopped bothering me a year and a half ago after pulling a revenge stunt that sent me to the police, but I still worry from time to time that we will run into each other while out and about (he lives a few miles away) and that he’ll start in after me again.
Post # 12
- Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL
ChasingZenith : All of the nope! If I were you, I’d also let the secretary know this person is harassing you, and she’s not to tell him whether you’re there or not – or give out your schedule. Believe it or not, I’ve worked at a place where a younger person thought they were doing a huge favor by letting an inquiring guy know when her co-worker would be there next. HUGE mistake. He was a stalker and started showing up during her shifts.
I hope this guy leaves you alone, but now that he knows your place of work I’d for sure carry mace, if not a taser.
Post # 13
I agree with those saying to go the route of external support and protection- restraining order etc.. I’m hella blunt too though and people thinking they are owed my time or acting possessive because I happen to be friendly with them make me really angry so I would probably also deliver some harsh truths to this dude.
“I do not belong to you and your possessive behaviors are unacceptable. You need to back off and leave me alone. I’m not sure where you got the impression that the appropriate response with any woman is EVER 35 fucking text messages in the space of a few hours but that is NOT OKAY. You are not owed my time or attention and frankly, you need some better goddamn boundaries. Leave me the fuck alone, Rob.”
And, yes, to mace and other personal protection! If he even walks up to you too fast, I’d tase the shit out of him.
Post # 14
ChasingZenith : Uhhhhhhh scary!
Completely block his number. Keep doing what you’re doing and don’t answer numbers you don’t recognize. Better yet, change your number! It sounds like you’ve told him to give you space, and that’s not working. Be blunt with him one last time, and tell him that you are not interested in any relationship at all, including friendship. If you feel like it, you can tell him why, but honestly, he is NOT respecting you or your wishes, so you really don’t owe him any sort of explanation.
If he continues to contact you, I would clearly let him know you are filing a restraining order, and then follow through with that.
He doesn’t sound like he’s all together, therefore you need to be blunt. No wishy washy, blunt.
stay safe, he sounds seriously scary.
Post # 15
FutureDrAtkins : Yeah it’s terrifying when you hear those stories. I always made certain that no one was to ever know my schedule (outside of coworkers who needed to know).
We had an incident one time of a stalker situation, and after that family members of staff had to use a certain phrase if they ever needed to go through the receptionist to get to their person. Only family was to know it (in case of emergencies or what not).
It’s scary the lengths some people will go through to track people down.