How to deal with guy who won't leave me alone

posted 1 year ago in The Lounge
Post # 16
2550 posts
Sugar bee

Don’t engage with him AT ALL – even to tell him to eff off. (which it seems you’re already on the right track for)

Record any and all attempts to contact you, including from the past if you can

If he tries to contact you again, phone the police and let them know. Get a restraining order. You’re not overreacting, the excessive attempts to contact you are obsessive and are escalating. 

Don’t be embarassed if the cops act standoffish about it. I reported an ex for similar behaviour and they made me feel pretty stupid. He ended up continuing to stalk myself and another ex and wound up in a psychiactric ward with charges. Prior to that I had a guy that behaved similarly toward me, but I felt bad for him so didn’t shut him out completely and tried to be ‘just friends’ with him and he drugged and raped me. 

Post # 17
3074 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

First of all, as an administrative assistant who has dealt with several of these creeps, let yours know that he is a stalker. Show her a picture too so she can alert security or the authorities if he shows up. In the meantime, she will document everything about this person so if charges do get pressed, she can be a witness.

Also, call the police on their non-emergency line to explain the situation. Say you are scared. Offer to show them what documentation you have.  Many of these people have a history of stalking women and have restraining orders and even arrest warrants out for them in other states. 

Usually police are very helpful in these cases. Good luck and stay safe! 


Post # 18
1888 posts
Buzzing bee

Get the restraining order, but a piece of paper won’t protect you too much. Sure it’s great if you see him lurking you can call 911, but cops take time to get there and the guy will only be punished after the fact. He could seriously  hurt you before police show up!

Keep pepper spray and a knife on you at all times. You should also look into getting a gun and conceal carry permit. Block him on all social media. Make your LinkedIn private. Ask a coworker to walk you to your car every night. 

Post # 19
6028 posts
Bee Keeper

ChasingZenith :  I remember this one guy texting me 700 times….and I didn’t have unlimited at the time.  And the one word he said was “bitch” 700 times. You are not overreacting.

Post # 20
2002 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

ChasingZenith : You aren’t overreacting. I have had several men act the way you describe. It was always scary, and you are within your rights to act to protect yourself.

I am with  @summerlove23 – I would change your number. Any phone company will do it for free if you tell them you are being harassed or feel unsafe. I did it twice. 

I would also alert the admin about this person, with a photo, and make it clear that should he arrive at the office, the police should be summoned. His presence would be considered trespassing, if not menacing. 

I think the odds of you getting a restraining order are slim. Typically you have to demonstrate a valid fear of physical harm. So far, he’s been annoying and inappropriate, and certainly has harrassed you, but nothing that rises to the definition of threatening. Unless you have an email or facebook message or a text where he has threatened you, in which case you probably have a strong justification.

You might also consider @HappySky7 suggestion about asking a lawyer to draft a cease and desist letter. It wouldn’t be expensive, it might spook him into quitting, and it will act as evidence you made a clear attempt to halt contact, should things escalate to the point of legal action.

Finally, I think all the Bees who said to carry a stun gun, pepper spray, or mace are correct. I have a little pink key fob that I carry all the time that is also a stun gun.

It’s SUPER loud and packs a wallop. Even if you saw him approach, you can fire it and it’s so loud, he probably wouldn’t come any closer. I strongly encourage you to get one, and keep it on your person, just in case.

I’m really sorry this is happening. Unfortunately, I know the feeling all too well. I hope taknig some of these steps will help you feel more secure, and discourage him from contacting you any more.

Post # 21
2840 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@ChasingZenith: He might be harmless but he’s clearly delusional. Dude, who thinks that he’s your very best friend in the world when you rarely ever contact the guy? Who tells the other person that it’s hurtful not to have your messages answered when they’ve already told you to back off? 70+ messages, looking for you thru friends and now at your work…that’s stalking behavior. 

In your shoes I really would suggest getting a restraining order, if you can, and while you figure that out maybe you can answer ONE phone call (record it) and tell him that his phone calls, messages, emails and any attempts to contact you are 100% unwanted. You are concerned about his mental health so you’ve now contacted the police to involve them in the situation. You will alert them with any and all future attempts to contact you. 

If he’s unhinged you might get him to say something that will further substantiate your claims for an RO, and if he’s not it might be enough to scare him away. 

Post # 22
1112 posts
Bumble bee

Never assume someone who acts like that is harmless. He has shown dedication and persistance over both distance and time to try to get ahold of you.

Have you kept records of all the times he has gone crazy and called/texted/etc so many times in a short span of time?

If this was anyone else and the answer is no, they’d be screwed. But luckily for you, he has been so bold as to contact both your friends and your work. You now have many different witnesses from different areas of your life who can vouch for you in court (if need be) that you are telling the truth and that they have witnessed this man harassing you.

There are a few intial steps to take if I were you:

1) Inform your work that you have a man stalking you. Provide them with his name and number so they can keep a lookout. Also, I would tell them that only these certain people (a boyfriend, your parents, or even no one) are the only ones allowed to contact you through the work phone, and if it’s anyone else, autotmatically refuse the calls (if this is possible in your line of work). 

2) I would change cell phone numbers. This is might be the most unrealistic advice, because I know a lot of people can’t just do that because of their work, but it’s worth listing anyways in case it’s possible for you.

3) Get copies of your phone records if you are able, from the times you know he called incessantly. With a higlighter, highlight his number in one color, and highlight the dates/times he called in another. Keep them all together for evidence.

4) If he calls you again and you know it will be him, I would start recording the call (and save it afterwards for evidence just in case – and don’t tell him you’re recording!) and tell him this is the last time he is to call you, you want no more contact with him whatsoever, and if he attempts more contact, you’ll be forced to go to the authorities. 

5) It might be a good idea to contact the non-emergency police number, and let them know you have a stalker. You may be able to give them your name and address to have on hand just in case something happens. For instance, if he does contact you again or threaten you, they can come check on you at night for a minute if they have any free time, to make sure you are okay.

6) If any further contact does happen, or if he threatens you when you say you are ready to go to police, that is grounds for a restraining. Don’t take any chances with your life, do this if it happens. With so many witnesses, you have a great case and I can’t imagine someone refusing you a restraining order.

Remember to trust your gut in situations like this. If something ever feels WRONG, don’t be afraid of being impolite….it might just save your life.

I was literally just reading the other day a story of a two friends who stopped at an inn to eat dinner, and were invited to eat with the host. They were having a good time but the host started saying some weird stuff and the friends got a bad feeling about the situation. They knew it was impolite to run out and leave, but they did it anyways. Turns out, that host in the inn was a serial killer and the pattern was to invite his victims to dinner and the club them in the back of the head while they ate! 


Edit: I also agree about the pepper spray. The truth is, we don’t know how far and how delusional this guy is, even you don’t at this point. He has proven himself very bold, so you should prepare yourself in the event that he will try to “pop by.” (I doubt it, but you should always be prepared for the worst outcome.) Maybe you should even tell your neighbors about this guy. Lock all your doors, all the time. Tell people when you are leaving somewhere and when you’ll be back or arrive at home. 

Post # 24
2002 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

ChasingZenith :  A public records search should show a few addresses. You can send it to multiple locations and hope one gets to him.

It sounds like you are handling this beautifully. Glad to know you have support from your Boyfriend or Best Friend and lots of furry backup at home. 

Hang in there! Hopefully, he’ll finally get the message and quit. 

Post # 25
679 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

ChasingZenith :  sounds like you’ve taken a lot of good steps to protect yourself. Stay safe. 

Post # 26
9551 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

ChasingZenith :  

Talk to the police at once.  Do not engage with him.  Not in any fashion or in any forum.  Not even to tell him to stop.  ANY attention from you gets twisted by his brain into:  She wants me!

Your state probably have stalker laws, the police will know.

Restraining orders are not magic shields.  Women are murdered everyday with restraining orders in their purses.  It sets some guys off—the public rejection and humiliation.  Other guys settle right down.

You can make a pretty accurate prediction about this guy’s response to a restraining order will be by how law abiding he is in general.  They are most effective against men who are basically law abiding citizens.  If he has any criminal history, I’d be cautious about lighting that fuse without expert guidance.  Try your local DV facility.  They deal with these orders all the time and can either help you with yours, or give you a referral.

But, get the police involved.  Get this all on the record.

Post # 27
9551 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

ChasingZenith :  

Posted before I saw your update.  Sounds like you’re doing what needs to be done.

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