- 2 years ago
- Wedding: August 2015
Proceed with all of that as you see fit.
What I would FURTHER tell you is a strategy I landed on when I was trying to learn to get up earlier to go to the gym.
I bought a 6 pack of 5 Hour Energy and kept it in my bedside table. I would set my alarm, and as soon as it went off – before even getting out of bed – I would swig 1/2 a bottle. Even if I was able to nod off again (usually not) as soon as it hit my system (typically within about 5 minutes) I was wide awake and able to get out of bed a bit easier.
Usually after a week or so of doing this, my body was trained that I needed to be awake at the earlier time and started waking itself up. no 5 hour required.
It’s useful because it’s fast acting and doesn’t require any prep or refrigeration – unlike coffee or the like.
I definitely think a deeper dive into why he’s a b-hole is valuable, and suspect there’s probably an underlying medical cause, but from a strictly practical “how to wake up earlier” I have had a lot of success with this method.
For some reason I believe he works 9-6 to make up hours incase he comes in late. Or his work generally doesn’t mind as long as the work is done. I had a job like that.
Everyone gave great advice. I wanted to add, are there chores you can give him to do at night? Since he stays up, he can do chores around the house like laundry or cleaning up.
You knew about his habits and you really shouldn’t expect someone to just change. Find a compromise, such as having him do work at night. He doesn’t need to be up early just because you’re up. But he should be putting in his 50% which can be done throughout the day or night. Does he help you when he is awake? Perhaps he can take over the night tasks and let you go to sleep early.
I’m curious what he does after work in terms of chores and helping out with child? As PP said he could still be doing chores at night if he’s a night owl rather than a morning person.
I’d like to note that my mom would dump a glass of ice water on me on the occasional morning when I was being a brat about getting out of bed. Instead of being his mother, be *like* mine.
Get him checked for sleep disorders, including sleep apnoea.
No electronic device (mobile, computer,TV, games console) use after 8pm.
A lot of phones and computers now have a setting where there is less blue light – it’s the blue light that keeps people awake so it’s best avoided.
Use a SAD (seasonal affective disorder) lamp at breakfast time and very early evening so that his body clock is more daytime orientated.
Mobile phones can have multiple alarms. Set 10-20 of them, all with different tunes, all within 5 minutes of each other.
I believe there are alarms that gradually increase the light in the room, making it more likely that people wake up naturally.
Seeing as your kids aren’t quite old enough yet i would consider a couples therapist because it seems the issue goes a bit deeper than him simply liking sleep. His, i guess i am just selfish, comment combined with him being regularly late to his job would very much concern me. Why? Becuase it is a sign of his lack of drive and motivation in life. One of the reasons i love my boyfriend so much is because he has this drive and sense of responsibility when it comes to his job and having a job. He is NEVER late, he rarely calls in sick and to me that translates into him being a very reliable future husband.
Your husband is showing that he doesn’t care very much about his famiy if he is willing to jepordize the income to provide for them by going into work late regularly. It shows he has little respect for you or himself or his job by being late. It is not an attractive trait. I think in therapy you could attempt at working through why he feels this way, why he feels not only entitled to make selfish decisions when it comes to his family, but lacks any desire to fix it knowing it makes the family suffer as a whole. Only therapy can figure that out in my opinion. Your only other option is to sit him down and let him know that his actions cannot continue or you are going to have to consider separating.
Thank you everyone for responding! I really want to respond to each of you individually, and I’m sorry for the delay. I appreciate that you wrote to share your experience and advice. It’s been so helpful to see different perspective, as well as insights to our relationship.
I always thought of my husband as a nice, sweet guy, maybe a smidge self-absorbed. He can be kind and understanding, and a good, if somewhat absent-minded father to our kid. Full disclosure: he does help with chores when I ask him to (with some nagging), and he cooks half the time. But I’m still very much the cruise director where I have to be in charge of everything or nothing will get done (from chores to doctor’s appt to picking a daycare, etc.). Ever since we have our baby things have gotten worse, at least with my depression and you’re all correct, he hasn’t stepped up to alleviate my burden. I guess me being mad at him at sleeping in is a symptom of what’s wrong in our marriage. Although I will still make him go to the doctor to rule out any possible health issue. And I will suggest couples counseling to him.
Have you considered just picking up less of the slack and letting chips fall where they may?
I don’t know why you need to get up early, get the kid ready, and his only responsibility is to take the already ready kid to daycare. Tell him it’s his responsibility to do all that. And when it’s not done, don’t step in to pick up the pieces. Let him deal with the consequences of being late.
rinse and repeat for other stuff. Till he learns there is no fall back (you).
That means you need to let go of control, which can be hard, but you deserve a break as well. I had to learn that big time in my marriage. My husband wasn’t stepping up because he knew I would if he didn’t. I started turning a blind eye to things and he quickly caught on. Tell him clearly what his responsibilities are…and drop it. Let doctor appointments not get scheduled, garbage pile up… he’ll learn. Tell him he gets Saturdays, and Sunday’s are YOUR mornings. Prove your point by leaving the house Sunday morning to have brunch with a friend or even sit at the coffee shop.