How to deal with in-laws visiting after baby

posted 6 months ago in Babies
Post # 31
Member
2018 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

i think its a matter of setting down the law, either wait and come when you are ready, or if they come sooner they must stay in a hotel. And that would be the only two options i would give. 

Post # 32
Member
8964 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

My first thought too. I do hope it isn’t one of those ‘chuck the dog in the backyard now we have a baby’ scenarios ….

If you are already feeling like this  -before the baby is even born- OP , maybe get your poor  about -to -be -superseded dog  rehomed now……… 

dobby98 :  

Post # 33
Member
3146 posts
Sugar bee

anonbee3584 :  “And the dog is because I do not want either of us to have to deal with her.”

I was sympathetic to you. Was. After a “gem” like this, I hope your inlaws come and stay for at least two months, and that when they leave, they take the dog with them. Surely she’d be better off. undecided

Post # 34
Member
2766 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

I haven’t necessarily gone through this yet however we’re expecting and my husband’s mom is 6 hours away and my parents and sister will have to fly. We’ve already agreed on an open door policy and anyone who would like to can stay with us as long as they want. 

However, I think it’s a good idea to be firm on things you are comfortable with. It would be better to lay ground rules now and give your in laws time to process. For example, tell them you don’t want any one staying with you for X amount of weeks so you can have family time. 

A lot of Bees have issues with in laws and I feel like 90% of the time it’s because we have a hard time telling our in laws how we really feel. It’s your family and your baby and you have every right to put limits on things. I also always think it’s better to have the husband talk to his family bc that usually goes over better. 

Honestly from what you wrote, it sounds like your Mother-In-Law can be a lot so I wouldn’t feel comfortable with her being around all the time. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable in the least. 

Post # 35
Member
4426 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

anonbee3584 :  You absolutely get to set these parameters for your in laws. If you know their visit will be more exhausting, then either ask that they not arrive until a week+ after the birth or that they stay in a hotel if they arrive earlier. You don’t need people who stress you out (even if they are helpful at times) when you’re adjusting to life with a baby. 

Darling Husband and I lived with family (my sisters and niece in my morher’s new house while she lived out of country) after loving states to be closer to family. It was too much when our son was born. My sisters can be great, but we both needed downtime to adjust to having our son. It definitely made that first week or two more chaotic for us. Now, my mom flew in to be there for the birth and a mont after. I loooved my mom being there. We came home from the hospital to a spotless house and hot meal. She was much more calming than I had actually thought she would be. It was very reassuring especially since I had issues breastfeeding and was emotional about it. 

Know what will work best for you and stick to it. My Mother-In-Law didn’t meet our son until he was 5 weeks. She requires more entertaining, and I wasn’t at all in the mood for that first month. Tell them you’ll let them know when you’re kid arrives and compromise on when they can arrive. 

Post # 37
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee

anonbee3584 :  Both of our families live on the other side of the country. We didn’t let anyone come out for the first month, we limited all out of town visitors to three days, and no one stayed with us. If you pick one time in your entire life to be selfish, make this the time. That first month of our daughter’s life was possibly the happiest month of my life. It is such an incredibly special time that you will never get back and never be able to replicate. Take it and spend it exactly how you want. Your in laws will get over it. Also, being able to set boundaries with family only gets more important once you have kids. This is a good place to start. 

Congrats on the baby! I hope your transition to motherhood is wonderful. 

Post # 38
Member
560 posts
Busy bee

I was in a similar boat. My Mother-In-Law came out to visit a week after I had my baby and stayed with us for two weeks. I live my Mother-In-Law but felt pressure to do more than I was ready for and didn’t feel I could bind with my baby bc after I nursed her, my Mother-In-Law wanted to hold her and I felt like I was a milk machine only. If my hubs family want to come out to visit for baby #2, I’m going to ask he wait at least 3 months for me to bond with my baby and adjust to being a family of 4. She did cook sometimes and clean/tidy my house, but I had horrible PPD and felt judged for having a messy/dirty house and pushed to go out w/o my baby, who is now 8 mo. And I rarely go anywhere w/o her. I get horrible separation anxiety. Anyways, if you’re already stressing this much, I’d suggest waiting until after you have the baby and get into a routine. Also, the first 6-8 weeks was hard!! Nursing was hard!! It got easier around 2-3 months. Congratulations bee 🐝 

Post # 39
Member
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2018

I’m due in a few weeks and in a similar situation except that my inlaws went ahead and booked a week-long trip for the week after the due date without consulting us at all! Both Darling Husband and I were upset about this at first but we tried to keep in mind that the intentions were good and the plans were made out of excitement – this is a big event in their lives too.

That being said we did decide to tell them that as they were coming so soon after the baby is born we could not put them up. They were actually really cool about it and got an airbnb a few blocks away. It seems like a good solution but I guess you can ask again in a few weeks when it’s actually happened haha!

Post # 40
Member
1232 posts
Bumble bee

soexcited123 :  

but if that it what it’s truly about then no matter if it’s biological family or Mother-In-Law visiting body still needs to recover how is her body going to recover quicker or how is she going to adjust to her new role of motherhood quicker by her biological family being there? Being “biological family” doesn’t magically make your body recover any quicker.

I was bleeding for almost 8 weeks post-delivery. I was sitting around topless or in just a bra most of the day because I was nursing every 2 hours.  I was crying a lot, from joy, pain, fear.  I was barely sleeping, wandering around the house at all hours. My emotions were a MESS from the hormone crash.  In the midst of this, having my in-laws – who I love dearly but who are NOWHERE near as close to me as my own mohter is – in the house would have been an absolute nightmare. No, my mother’s presence did not make me heal any faster but if there was anyone who I felt comfortable exposing every ugly, difficult part of the post-partum journey to, it was my mother. You don’t have to have a bad relationship with your inlaws to not want them sitting around while you learn how to breastfeed for the first time or when you stumble half-dressed from your bedroom at 4AM.

Maybe the husband wants his father there to help him adjust to his role of fatherhood.

Lol no. Sorry but this is one time I will argue that there is absolutely a hierarchy of needs in the family and the father sits right at the bottom (after newborn baby and mother).  The mother is recovering from a significant medical procedure and a process that involved ~40 weeks of physical and emotional strain.  Your hormone levels balancing out are enough of a rollercoaster.  If your spouse cannot understand that in those first few weeks his needs – and his parents desires – are not more important than providing a safe space for you to recover, there are major problems.

OP – please do not feel bad about prioritizing your needs during your recovery period.  You feeling emotionally healthy and physically strong enough to host guests is 1000 times more important than your in-laws getting to hold your baby in the first 2 days or whatever.  I hope your husband understands that because if you are on the same page, it will be much easier to deal with your in-laws.

Post # 41
Member
26 posts
Newbee

Having a newborn, you’ll need personal time as a mother and a new family unit to adjust. It’s okay to have the grandparents wait to visit until you are comfortable. Also, please keep in mind that if you’re having a baby during  flu season, that ANY visitors may bring viruses into your home and your infant. I highly recommend politely requesting any person wishing to visit to be fully up to date on vaccinations. Whooping cough ( pertussis) and the flu can be fatal to infants. *For those that don’t vaccinate, don’t flogg me*

You can also use things like Skype, FaceTime to keep in touch with them so they can “see” the baby via video if you’re not comfortable with visitors yet. People will understand. Good luck and congratulations!

 

Post # 42
Member
26 posts
Newbee

My family would come and camp out at the hospital and I hated every minute of it. There was no peace and it impacted me trying to feed my newborn. Then the day we got home from the hospital my Mother-In-Law had to come over and it was like WTF I need a shower and I need to bathe my infant and can I finally try breastfeeding and pumping. GO AWAY EVERYBODY

Post # 43
Member
3442 posts
Sugar bee

This is what happened with us: We called my annoying-ish Mother-In-Law a few hours after the baby was born. She drove over ;a few hours assay) and visited in the hospital. She stayed for less time than I expected. She stayed at our place that night and tidied up then dropped by the hospital the next day and brought us food and left. I expected her to be a bajillion Times more annoying. 

 

My parents (this was their 6th grandchild) did not immediately rush over to the hospital. They live in another state. Before our child was born, my mom asked me if I would be ok with them coming to visit when my husband went back to work. YAAAAASSSSSS. My husband had 3 weeks off for paternity leave. So the three of us had those three weeks to get the hang of things. Then when my husband went back to work, my parent arrived and stayed for 10 days and cooked, cleaned, took the night shifts, etc. 

Just pointing out crazy in laws might be less crazy and that it can be incredibly helpful for the people you want to visit, to visit when you are on your own.

Post # 45
Member
1279 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

MollyCatherine :  I disagree. If people are going to insist on interrupting your post partum time, they should be helping. Cleaning, making meals, walking the dog, etc. Otherwise they’re just a nuisance and playing pass the baby. If you’re not helpful, you can visit for half an hour and then back to the hotel with you.

 

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