(Closed) How to deal with in-laws who were against the marriage at first?

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
9400 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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yurippe : 

Yes. And if and when they do snap, still act as if  it hadn’t happened . Get Fiance to do the same.  There is nothing  so deflating as raging at people who meet it with a bland smile .

Post # 17
Member
505 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I 100% agree with others here.  You should let it go.  I know it seemed rude to you but I think you really should chalk it up to their culture more than them being against you.  You are marrying into this family so you have to learn to understand their way of thinking and how they were raised.  I know that you said your Japanese friends thought it was odd but just like in every other country in the world, different families follow different traditions.  For instance, how many people are strictly religious and stay virgins until they are married?? Same country, different views.  Unless they give you more reasons to say they don’t like you or are against this wedding in general, just move on.

Post # 18
Member
402 posts
Helper bee

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yurippe : Other commenters are telling you to just let this all go, but I understand where you’re coming from. My inlaws were vehemently opposed to my husband and me getting married. I won’t elaborate on why, because it’s a long story, but they (particularly my mother-in-law) said some very hurtful, insulting things to us and even took steps to try to force us to call off our wedding plans. 

In recent years, things have improved, but like you, I still remember how painful that time was. Sometimes I think that, if my mother-in-law would have apologized, I’d have an easier time putting it behind me for good, but there was no resolution like that, and part of me wonders if she’ll decide to turn on us again in the future.

Since you can’t change the past, and you can’t change your in-laws, my advice would be to focus your energy on your marriage. You and your husband are a team – a unit – and being constantly in support of one another will help you when you’re visiting his family, especially if they act cruelly toward you again. My husband and I have a strategy for when we visit his family. If someone tries to pick a fight with us, we don’t take the bait. Also, if my mother-in-law tries to separate us so that she can say bad things about one of us to the other, we don’t tolerate it. We’re a team, and it has helped us a lot.

In terms of “letting go” of the past, it’s not easy, but with a focus on your marriage, and the present and future with your husband, it will get easier. Consulting a therapist or counselor might help too. I’m not a therapist, but it does sound to me like you’re struggling with some trauma from when your inlaws were so cruel, and that’s totally unerstandable. When you’ve been traumatized, it takes some work to let go. Good luck!

Post # 20
Member
8992 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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yurippe :  you can not let it bother you without giving in to their demands. You are both adults and do not need their permission to marry. You don’t have to make them like the way you choose to start your family and they don’t need to be happy about it right away. One example is if they say again that your fiance needs to go to Germany to ask permission from your family he simply says “we have chosen not to do that, and while I know it bothers you that’s our final decision. The wedding will be June 4th we hope to see you there”. Repeat. If they choose to skip the wedding because you aren’t doing things their way then that is their call – they can’t force you to do anything and you can’t force them either. 

Post # 21
Member
463 posts
Helper bee

I understand where you’re coming from. My SO’s mother has been outright cruel and even racist to me in the past, and has softened a LOT towards me in the past 2 years or so (calling me to sing Happy Birthday and tell me she loves me, sending me an xmas gift, etc.) I know the ball is in my court so to speak when it comes to amending our relationship, but it’s hard to forget how terrible she was in the past. I am trying to forgive her to make peace, especially since for my SO that is his one and only mother, but it’s a slow and difficult process. In the long run, it is in your best interest to just forgive them and let it blow over. It sounds like their objections were more cultural than personal, so I think even though it’s difficult, just let it go this time. I think by inviting you and by trying to throw a wedding for you, it’s their way of expressing their happiness and approval now.

Post # 23
Member
1270 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t think you’re wrong to be cautious. Judging by their actions, you’re gonna have to start setting boundaries as soon as possible. Don’t be unkind, but be firm about how you allow them to treat you in the future. Your Fiance seems to have the right idea, keeping his distance, but not entirely shutting them out of his life. Do not allow them to dictate your wedding.

Post # 24
Member
402 posts
Helper bee

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yurippe :  No need to apologize for venting! I’m a big advocate of venting because it helps you articulate what’s going on in your head, so you can isolate what the pain point(s) are. I totally hear you about feeling like this was supposed to be a really happy time. I felt the same way, even after my husband and I got married, because my mother-in-law made it difficult for us, for YEARS. Those were very hard years. You don’t just forget them, even if things improve as they have for me, and as it sounds like they are for you too. As for your wedding plans, as awesome as it would be to please everyone, it’s almost impossible. I would advise you and your fiance to just do what makes the most sense for you and your timeline. There are people who will choose to see that as an insult, but that’s a reflection on them, not you. It’s your wedding, your marriage, your life. If you’re comfortable with some people not being able to make it, set your date and inform your families of when and where you’ll be getting married. It’s considerate of you to want to keep them happy, but you have to do what works best for you.

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