(Closed) How to deal with my mother

posted 11 years ago in LGBTQ
Post # 17
Member
962 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I agree with most of the previous posts, however, I understand that you don’t feel you should have to “femme it up” on YOUR wedding day.  I am married to a very butch woman and there was no way in hell she would be comfortable in a “feminine” suit and no way I’d suggest it to her!

My wife and I have been married a little over a month but together since 2002.  My mom still tries to get her to wear “girly” things and clearly doesn’t understand how that is never ever going to happen.  It’s almost funny, how she will try and pass on things to her (like shoes for example since they are the same shoe size)… that are obviously very girly and then she gets offended when my wife declines.  I don’t think she’ll ever “get it”.

My wife DID wear a women’s suit on our wedding day, but only because it was what fit her properly (she’s 5’2″), but it doesn’t have a “women’s suit” look to it at all. 

Wear what you want!  Maybe try explaining to her that you need to feel like you look your best and that means wearing what YOU feel comfortable in.  I can’t imagine my wife squirming in discomfort on our big day, and she would have been.  If she wears something with a feminine cut or look she truly feels like she is in drag!  You can see in the pic.  Nothing feminine at all about her attire and I thought she looked amazing!

 

Post # 18
Member
3214 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Just want to voice my support.  You deserve to look and feel like your best self on your wedding day.  Butch it up!! 

Post # 19
Member
3214 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@MsInterpret:

Aww, that’s a wonderful pic! Congratulations!! πŸ™‚ I love your wife’s suit and the edging on your dress.

Post # 20
Member
962 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

@mightywombat:  thanks! πŸ™‚ I tried to get a clearer pic uploaded but it wouldn’t work (closer view of her suit).  It was a women’s pinstriped suit and she wore a black velvet vest underneath, with a men’s tux shirt with french cuffs and a men’s tie with little tiny dots. πŸ™‚   The vest and shirt were men’s, but there was no way a men’s suit was going to fit her!

Post # 21
Member
56 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’m so sorry your mom is behaving as such!  As a fellow lesbian that has a seriously messed up homophobic mother, I completely understand.  Also, my fiancee is a very butch woman and won’t be caught DEAD in any kind of female attire!  She pulls it off very nicely πŸ™‚  For the wedding, she is wearing a full suit with a phenomenal jacket we got from the Silver Dagger, tie, etc.  She has a masculine ring for her engagement ring, etc.  Her mother hinted that she should grow her hair out, wear a dress, etc…and I was like, Hey!  You got a new very girly daughter (ME!) so let’s just be happy with that!  She’s got this whole pinstriped black suit that we pieced together and now totally adore.  I would even permit a fedora!  My mom is a psychotic alcoholic with some sort of borderline personality disorder so now my wedding is too much stress for her and sending her over the edge because…it’s really ALL ABOUT THE MOM’s ladies!  (LOL!)  My message here: be yourself.  Screw your folks.  I understand that we always want to please our parents, but eventually you have to build your own family and you have a lovely bride to do that with πŸ™‚

Post # 22
Member
1781 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@teacherin200829: Isn’t that the truth — the mom’s are so dictative in every single wedding (whether they are paying for it or not). It’s so extremely frustrating.

Is there something little maybe you can do to make your Mom happy at all?  If you are wearing your grandfathers cuff links is there a scarf (kinda like Ellen wore in the picture that Nautical Bride posted) of your Moms that you can wear?  You have a fall wedding – a scarf would look nice with a suit.  My advice is to scale it down to something small that may band-aide the situation even just a little bit and may mean something to her on the day =)  Best of luck, wish you happiness

 

ETA: Cufflinks would look awesome woven into a boutonniere–also more people can see them as well.  But make sure all is attached well.

Post # 23
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

=(  I’m sorry you are even having to deal with this.  I don’t understand how a parent can “be okay” with your relationship with a woman, but wouldnt “be okay” with what you wear to your wedding.  Seems like the material things shouldnt matter in the larger scheme of things.  Does she have the cufflinks? If so – I would try to have a conversation with her and express how important it is to have this day be special and that you want to include your Grandfather in a very personal way.  If you are comfortable in a woman’s suit and can find one that you like, go for it.  Otherwise wear whatever the hell you want, and rock it well!  This is YOUR day – and even though some little girls dream of big dresses and veils, your dream was of a bangin suit and your Grandfather’s cufflinks.  Same thing but different.

p.s. I have a friend who’s Fiance is butch as well and her Mother says “she wont be able to make it” if they have a ceremony due to her religious beliefs (She’s a Jehovah’s Witness) and she can’t be a part of it.  The daughter is a psychiatrist, continues to further her education, work and take care of her family and is the sweetest person – I can not imagine not going to their ceremony/reception!!!  My heart aches when I think about how hurt she is by her saying this. 

Post # 23
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

=(  I’m sorry you are even having to deal with this.  I don’t understand how a parent can “be okay” with your relationship with a woman, but wouldnt “be okay” with what you wear to your wedding.  Seems like the material things shouldnt matter in the larger scheme of things.  Does she have the cufflinks? If so – I would try to have a conversation with her and express how important it is to have this day be special and that you want to include your Grandfather in a very personal way.  If you are comfortable in a woman’s suit and can find one that you like, go for it.  Otherwise wear whatever the hell you want, and rock it well!  This is YOUR day – and even though some little girls dream of big dresses and veils, your dream was of a bangin suit and your Grandfather’s cufflinks.  Same thing but different.

p.s. I have a friend who’s Fiance is butch as well and her Mother says “she wont be able to make it” if they have a ceremony due to her religious beliefs (She’s a Jehovah’s Witness) and she can’t be a part of it.  The daughter is a psychiatrist, continues to further her education, work and take care of her family and is the sweetest person – I can not imagine not going to their ceremony/reception!!!  My heart aches when I think about how hurt she is by her saying this. 

Post # 24
Member
962 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

@teacherin200829:  Hey, I have a mom just like yours.  Fun huh!?  And as I posted, my wife wore a pinstripe black suit too.  I would have love if she’d worn a fedora!  Super sexy, makes me weak in the knees. πŸ™‚

Post # 25
Member
719 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

How do I deal? I avoid her and I am straight, can’t imagine what it would be like if I was a lesbian (I have nothing against lesbians my aunt/godmother is a lesbian BUT my mother would not be supportive.)

 

Yeah avoid her, I speak to my mother as little as possible and this is my second wedding, it will be big and formal but since she made it clear she is not paying for a second wedding she forfeits the right to any say about anything.

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