(Closed) How to deal with my Mother

posted 8 years ago in Family
  • poll: What should I do with this woman?
    Let her come to everything she wants and be miserable because she's my mother. : (1 votes)
    4 %
    Pick a fight with her so she won't come. : (4 votes)
    14 %
    Be a bigger person and explain everything like I'm talking to a 3 year old : (20 votes)
    71 %
    Other - please state below. : (3 votes)
    11 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    482 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    Just because she gave birth to you does not make her a mother- sorry to be offensive to anyone out there who believes otherwise.  I know firsthand that a mother can come in all sorts of packages that you wouldn’t expect.  Do you really want her to ruin your wedding day of all days?  I would honestly tread very carefully and explain to her that if she attempts to cause the least bit of distress on your day- she’s out.  Have someone in charge of escorting her out (fists flying and all, if necessary) if she acts up.  If you honestly don’t want her there, tell her she’s better off not coming.  It isn’t about living in the past, but it’s knowing that history has a tendency of repeating itself. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    5977 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I think you need to be firm with her. Let her know when and where things are happening, but don’t pay for anything for her. Let her know that your sister will be doing YOUR hair, not hers, and you will not be doing her makeup for her. You are the bride and you do not need her stress. Give someone the duty of removing her from the wedding if she decides to cause a scene.

    Post # 6
    Member
    98 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    I absolutely do NOT think that letting her have her way and making you miserable in the process is the best option. That being said, I don’t know how to contain her. If I take your post at face value, which I absolutely do, it’s hard to imagine a scenario where she doesn’t kick up a bit of dust. I’m not about to suggest that a conversation will help, because I don’t think it will.

    Perhaps at this point, it’s best to drop back and punt. She’s aware of the week end events, so just ask her what she is planning to attend. Just let her know (fairly bluntly) that you have your plans finalized and are trying to plan to get final counts of who is attending what. As far as getting ready, I would just explain that your hair and make-up plans are set and not flexible at this point, so given that, would she still like to get ready with you or not?

    I understand that no family is ever picture-perfect… especially when it comes to a wedding, but you seem to be getting more than your fair share of hassle and headache. You should be worrying about not tripping down the aisle and forgetting your vows, NOT ducking your mom and worrying about her behavior.

    I think I speak for a lot (if not all) bees when I say, soldier on and let us know what else we can offer for support! Good luck. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    572 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 1969

    Just because you give birth does not give you the right to treat your kids like crap.  Why do moms not understand this????

    We had a feeling there would be issues at our wedding and told everyone to be on their best behavior because if anyone started anything they would be escorted out.  Like your mom, my Mother-In-Law has an issue with the attention being on anyone besides her so she did act up a bit but Darling Husband and I were so immersed with each other, we didn’t exactly catch it all.  Everyone just laughed at her and talked behind her back.  Thankfully there were no big issues and some of the troublemakers did not come. 

    Let her stay where she wishes (besides the cabin), let her come when she wants (whether it’s Friday or the day of), let her come rafting if she wants but let her know she has to pay.  If your mom is flaky, then try not to think too much of it.  Don’t try to organize anything around her- lay everything out and let her make the decisions (which it seems like you have for the most part).  As for the hair and make up, how is your sisters relationship with your mom?  I felt it was a very bold statement for your mom to say that she doesn’t want your sister to do your hair but to do hers.  I worry that your sister may succomb to the pressure and not do your hair but you know her better than anyone of us!  As for the make up- that’s up to you.  Do you want to do it? 

    Post # 10
    Member
    3866 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    @TheFutureMcBride: wow… sounds like my FI’s ex-.  that’s what she’s currently doing with their son.  and he HATES her.  so, so sorry you have to deal with her.

    hopefully she’ll decide to not come or behave.  otherwise, ignore her and let her be escorted out (don’t forget to take pictures for later blackmail 😉 or to post on FB showing exactly what she’s like so NO ONE can take her side later!…. errrr…. i’m a bit evil….)

    regardless, hopefully she’ll at least behave for one day.  so so sorry and I hope your wedding is far better than you expect!!!

    Post # 11
    Member
    1805 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: March 2011

    I’m sorry you have to deal with this.  I have a problematic mother too.  I was at first pissed because I thought she wasn’t coming to the wedding and it offended me that she would do that (because I’m in a same-sex relationship).  Then when she let me know she was coming I was seriously hit with a mix of “Good” and “Oh crap!”.   We are marrying out of state and renting out a huge house to stay in for the week and I just KNOW she will want to stay with us for free even though she could afford a nearby hotel.  I want her to stay somewhere else because I know her presence will seriously stress everyone out.

    I, too, am just hoping she behaves and I am hoping she only comes to town the day before the wedding and leaves the day after, and I am hoping most of all she doesn’t hit the bottle while she’s there since that would greatly increase the chances of her being on good behavior.  Ugh ugh ugh. 

    You have my empathy.  I am also a mom of an 18 yo, an almost 13 yo, and a 7 yo.  I can’t imagine EVER causing them this much headache and heartache!

    Post # 13
    Member
    3866 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    @TheFutureMcBride: the digital age is great, isn’t it? 😉 

    so sorry to hear about your loss.  All things considered, I wouldn’t have invited her, but I also understand why you did. 

    My mother can be a controlling, manipulative b!tch and has no consideration for anything that IS NOT hers.  She’s still trying to control my life despite the fact I’ve moved out and have a life of my own now.  (just more out last year and soooo glad I did.  wish I’d done it sooner.) she always told me 1) no one would ever want to marry me 2)I would never make it on my own 3) I can’t cook, clean, etc. and I totally listened to all that and more.  my mother also gets nasty and pouty like a petulant child if she doesn’t get her way.  she doesn’t treat my brother this way, only me! 

    good luck!!!  and enjoy the pictures!  (me, I’d frame a few just to be evil…Wink)

    Post # 15
    Member
    5823 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I would uninvite her.  You already know she’ll ruin whatrver she attends, so give her the wrong address or hire a car to take her 30miles away.  My SIL’s mom is like yours, and she ruins EVERYTHING!

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