- 8 years ago
- Wedding: November 2012
First, I wanted to say THANK YOU to everyone for this wonderful community. I’ve been lurking for the past few months during the planning process and it’s a relief to find out 1) I’m not alone in dealing with family drama; 2) it’s okay to obsess over your wedding a little bit, even if you never thought you were the type to obsess over such things; and 3) despite the drama, regrets, and imperfections, everything will be okay in the end!
I’m writing to vent about some family drama. Background: I am the oldest of three girls and the first to get married. My next youngest sister and I are a year and a half apart. I’ve been engaged for almost a year and have been in the throes of wedding planning for a while, while she very recently got engaged. I’m upset at the way she has gone out of her way to exclude herself from my wedding and then has also gone out of her way to exclude me from hers.
The day after my engagement, I was disappointed when both my mom and sister stated in very unequivocal terms that NEITHER of them wanted to be involved with my wedding planning in any way, shape, or form. My sister particularly stated she definitely did not want to be a bridesmaid, and my mom stated she just hated planning events. Fine. To be honest, at that point, I hadn’t even thought about the wedding planning yet — I was trying to enjoy the glow of engagement, but their declarations definitely put a damper on that glow.
Fast forward ten months. It is two months before our wedding. My fiance and I have done all the wedding planning (and are paying for the wedding), trying to incorporate both families’ traditions and be respectful of our parents’ requests (despite the fact that they are contributing almost nil). However, per my mother and sister’s original requests, I have not asked for any help other than to ask my mother about cultural traditions and which we should incorporate. I feel a little sad my family is so disinterested, but was ready to chalk that up as family quirk, UNTIL…
My sister (same one who didn’t want to be involved) got engaged last week. She also had a small engagement party with just our and her fiance’s immediate families, EXCEPT — she didn’t bother to invite me to the party. I didn’t find out about any of this until the week before, when my mom asked, “Oh, are you coming to your sister’s engagement party next week?”
I was stunned when my mom asked. I had NO IDEA. I don’t live close to my sister — I would have made plans to fly out for the engagement except that SHE NEVER BOTHERED TO TELL ME. Oh, and then she made a stink to my mom and sister about how I wasn’t going to her engagement party even though she had come to mine (we also had a small dinner for the two families in my hometown, and she lives locally so her coming meant she drove 20 minutes from her home to dinner).
I was upset that I didn’t find out about her engagement until it would have been virtually impossible to make travel plans without shelling out major $$$ and then be accused of not wanting to attend. Just to add insult to injury — she explicitly asked my other sister to be her bridesmaid, and asked her to create a photo slideshow for her reception (I had made the same request of my other sister), and then decided her wedding colors would be almost identical to ours. Oh, and she’s toying with the idea of stealing our wedding invitation template and changing the names to use for her own invitations.
And to top it off — my mother and her talk NON-STOP about her wedding dress, bridesmaid dresses, potential reception venues, guest list, etc… Basically everything they said they didn’t want to help me out with. I’ve endured months of snide and catty remarks and not-so-subtle criticisms from both her and my mom about my wedding planning, particularly about the size and the expense (e.g., “I don’t know why you’re spending so much time and money on a big wedding — smaller weddings are nicer.” “Aren’t weddings such a headache? I told you that you should have eloped.” “I don’t know why you are being so cheap about xxxx.”) only to now find out that my sister wants to have an equally large wedding, and my mother is aiding and abetting her planning.
I want to be to be the bigger person. Really, I do. I’ve spent my entire life dealing with her and trying to be the bigger person. I could get over the copying of my ideas and act flattered she thought my ideas were so great she wanted to use them as well. But I’m about at my wit’s end. If the copying were it, I could deal. But she has been so generally bratty — she has gone out of her way to exclude herself from my celebration even though I would have happily included her, and now she is going out of her way to exclude me for some motive unbeknownst to me. I have never treated her unkindly. I have never been mean to her or her fiance. I want nothing but the best for her. But I feel like she and my mom are ganging up on me and throwing their mutual planning of her wedding back in my face.
I JUST DON’T GET IT. I’m upset and I don’t want to be.
Am I totally crazy??? Any perspective you Bees have would be greatly appreciated.