(Closed) How to deal with resentment while waiting? I'm MAD, what is he waiting for?

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 46
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2016

This is going to be a classic story of girl gets wedding fever because she feels she has an expiration date, girl pressures guy, resentment builds on both parts and he either proposes or breaks things off because your pressuring him. If you look up the dynamics of the male female relationship there is something called push pull theory(AKA “Neediness”). No guy wants to be forced into a decision that big. If you push too hard your going to push him away from the idea all together. I would check the anger and explain to him that you love him but you need some sort of an idea of how he feels, and where the two of you will be in a few years(1 or 2 years). Then you can decide if its worth sticking around for. An ultimatum is NOT a way to move forward and start a new life together despite some of the advice you may get here. Also a therapist might be a good start to help you better deal with your anger and resentment. I guarentee you he will tell you the ultimatum is a “BAD” idea. Best of luck !!!!  

Post # 47
Hostess
592 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I agree with previous posters, an ultimatum is not the way to go… You want him to propose because HE is ready and wants to, not because he feels he has too.. If I ever gave my Fiance an ultimatum, I would always have that sinking feeling that he didn’t actually want to propose at that time and did it because I made him…

Guys have an ego and society puts a ton of pressure on men and proposals these days, and buying an engagement ring is a huge decision. If he doesn’t feel financially ready, I would talk to him about when he would feel ready and what you could do to help. Although it sucks immensley to have to wait when you feel ready, try to understand the pressure he must be feeling as well when he doesn’t feel financially ready and really does want to marry you.

A timeline discussion about when he thinks he would be ready could maybe help, with a more definite timeline rather than a generic answer such as  “a few years maybe” ?? I know if I was 30 I would also be upset, especially if I wanted to start a family. Hang in there girl!! xo

Post # 48
Member
1782 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

lawyerchick13:  I think your feelings are valid, even the aggression, although I don’t think you’d really punch him. You just want to state how upset you really are. I totally have felt most of what you’re feeling, before I got engaged we had been together nearly 5 yrs. It was amazing how calm I became after getting the commitment from him of maariage with a ring. My whole demeanor changed, his response after yrs of engagement, why didn’t I ask you sooner? I know… right. We’ve been together almost 9 yrs. Still very much in love, but Gor some reason the hardest commitment for him was marriage. Now we are expecting our 1st baby in July. I had a very serious talk with him before he proposed, in fact 3 days before, I don’t know what I said but it finally worked.

Post # 49
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee

Ms. OP, I hope this will make you feel better.

We are an Interracial couple, I’m 30 and my SO is 29, my mother disapprove him solely because he is not Chinese… We still decided to be together anyways, despite my mom disapproval.

My Unromantic SO got us pair of matching gold band rings, and throw in my face the sentence: “Baby, If you want, we can go apply for a marriage liscense tomorrow.”  — If you considered this to be a proposal.

So there we are, no engagemant ring at all, And these gold bands will turn into our wedding rings once we get our ‘marriage certificate’. It will be the cheap County Clerk/Courthouse marriage for us. No wedding reception, no honeymoon. We both be back to our job working the next day.

Who can possibly have a worser wedding than me? lol, so don’t feel bad OP. Don’t rush into marriage, your man will propose when he ready.

Heck, in my case I don’t think I even have a proposal, but hey I love my SO, so I don’t care anything else, I just want to be with him, even if that means we get married at the courthouse.

Post # 50
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee

Why would you want to marry someone that you want to punch in the face?  That’s supposed to come wayyyy after the wedding… (just kidding…it’s a joke, no really…)

I’m going to venture to guess that he can FEEL your resentment, which is probably scaring the hell out of him. You may first need to adjust your attitude if you want this man to think of you in “forever” terms… I once read somthing that says a man knows right away if he wants to be with a woman forever (or for a very long time), and if he doesn’t make you his wife, you’re just a place holder until the right one comes along. You’re going to have to ask yourself (attitude and all), if you’re a place holder, or do you truly want to be this man’s wife, and why… Then figure out if he wants you to be his wife… Perhaps there are some issues in your relationship that you both need to work on for that to happen… But, if he doesn’t want you to be his wife (and he has yet to make that declaration), decide when to leave. You can’t force him to propose. Also, being mad and resentful is, unfortuately, having the opposite effect of him proposing…

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by  fitchick89.
Post # 51
Member
2445 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

You’re going to get a lot of varied opinions about men not being that complicated, how he should already know if he wants to marry you, money shouldn’t matter, etc. (which you already have), but everyone’s different. Both parties are allowed to be as complicated or unready or have certain expectations or standards they want to meet before they commit to something like marriage. At the end of the day, only you know if you want to be with him no matter what.

My husband proposed on our 7 year anniversary and if I could take back every fight or argument or resentful feeling I had leading up to that, I would. I would’ve just enjoyed being with him because I knew he was committed to me and that it was only a matter of time. He still managed to surprise me with the proposal too. A lot of people may say that they’d never wait that long but they don’t know my relationship like I do. WE don’t know your relationship like YOU do. So you just have to follow your heart. If you’re just growing angrier with each passing day, then maybe it’s more important for you to be married than to be with this particular person. No amount of advice from strangers will help you know that. Good luck!

Post # 52
Member
444 posts
Helper bee

I mean, just read your previous posts here and think about whether you actually should marry this guy even if he ever proposes. 

Post # 53
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Hey bee, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Around this time last year I was in the same spot: 4.5 years together, living together and no sign of an engagement. Like you, it was eating at me. It seemed every couple of weeks I’d break down, cry, tell him what was bothering me and while he was compassionate and promised me he did want to marry me, I kept hearing he was not ready. I couldn’t understand it and was at my wit’s end.

So, following example of some other people who were in the same place, I sat him down and plainly said that I couldn’t wait forever. I didn’t give him a deadline or anything like that, but I made it clear that I felt it wasn’t fair for me to feel this way after all we had been through — it was affecting our relationship — and I wasn’t going to be able to handle it much longer. He said he could see us getting engaged by the end of the year, which I could wait for.  

To my surprise, only a few months later he told me he had started ring shopping. Another month passed we bought the ring, he proposed and now we’re getting married this August. 

I think the key to this is that we both agreed he would not propose just because he felt I was going to leave him. He promised he was only going to propose when he felt ready. If he didn’t feel ready before my patience ran up, then we weren’t meant to be. When I started to have doubts that I had pressured him into proposing after we got engaged, he was offended, so I knew he had kept his promise and really did feel ready to get married. 

Communication is key here. Let him know you’re feeling resentment. If you can’t wait much longer, let him know that too. I don’t think my fiance realized how much it was bothering me when we weren’t engaged until I said I had thought about leaving him. 

Good luck.

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