(Closed) How to deal with SO and porn? *update (..still freaking out..sorry!)

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 4
Member
809 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I know this isn’t a helpful comment at all, but I totally see things from your side. 4 hours of porn in a day is not a small amount of porn. I’d be upset and hurt and angry too. I wouldn’t be ok with it.

Post # 5
Member
577 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I agree with toothfairyb – 4 hours of porn in one day is a lot, and I think most women would be bothered by it. Have you guys discussed couples counseling?  Maybe a counselor could help you guys understand each others point of view and come to some sort of compromise …

Post # 7
Member
873 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Many girls grow up without the prevalance of porn in their lives.  Many guys grow up with porn/sexy pics/Playboys whatever being a very normal part of their lives.  I think this disconnect can cause some misunderstanding and miscommunication in people’s lives.  I wrote on your last post that I’m totally okay with Fiance watching porn.  However, I should clarify that I never expected to be okay with it until I met him.  Because we have occasional communication because of it, and because I don’t feel that it has any negative impact on our relationship, I’ve changed my opinion. 

But I do want to say that I’ve been following your thoughts on this topic…and I think there is something really good here. I think that you are very open to understanding that you have overreacted/badly reacted on occasion, and you realize that for some people, some porn might be considered normal.  On his side, he seems to be attempting to focus more on your needs.  Most of all…you are talking about this issue openly.  I don’t think that you have to be okay with porn or he has to totally change after one conversation.  Since this seems like a big problem for you, I think it will take a lot of conversation, time, and perhaps some professional assistance you can find a situation you are both comfortable with. 

Post # 8
Member
2459 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

yeah I think your SO has been amazingly open about it, have u thought of watching it together?

Post # 9
Member
217 posts
Helper bee

Do you worry about his porn addiction turning into something more serious down the road? Addiction doesn’t normally level out. Once you’re not able to get the same high you move on to another level of it. I’d personally be worried about infidelity. 

Post # 10
Member
1051 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Having always had more male friends than females I have to weigh in that if a guy says he doesn’t watch or look at porn AT ALL – he’s lying.  I’ve had friends and SOs that ran the gamut of frequency from very rarely to what I would consider an addiction (including one crazy ex that, towards the end, used to flip it on when I walked into a room just to piss me off.  He was an odd bird all around)

I don’t think that fact that he watches porn should be much of an issue.  As long as it doesn’t interfere with your relationship, ie he can still have sexy time in real life with you, and he respects your boundaries, ie makes an effort to at least hide the mags, clear the brower history – whatever, you’re each entitled to your privacy behind closed doors.

I personally have always thought a guy watching a little porn discretely was helpful for a relationship.  Let them get it out of their system because some of that s*** I WILL NEVER DO=)

Post # 11
Member
654 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I had a ex that used to often times choose porn and solo time over having sex with me. We were working almost opposite schedules and once I’d get home and be ready to start something he’d be like well I took care of that a few hours ago. So needless to say I’ve had a really negative view on porn for a while now. FH does watch porn on occassion but has never kept it from me, has offered to watch it with me, and has never once let his solo time take away from our relationship. Surprisingly its never once bothered me- personally I think as long as he’s open about it and still willing to meet your needs as a couple then you’ve got to just let it go and quit focusing on it so much.

Post # 12
Member
601 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010 - Heinz Chapel Ceremony, Museum Reception

Well, just from my own perspective, I think what he’s doing is really not something to worry about. Like another poster said, I don’t know any men who don’t openly admit to watching porn. I understand what your Fiance is saying about wanting just a quick tension release versus emotional, intimate connection time with you. As long as his porn habit is not affecting your sex life together, which it sounds like it isn’t, I would try to let it go.

Have you ever read Dan Savage, the sex advice columnist? He has a very strong perspective on this issue–he always says that you can either let your Fiance be honest about his porn-watching, or force him to lie to you about it, because you’re never going to be able to get him to completely stop watching it for the rest of his life. I always thought that was an interesting way to frame it, at least.

Post # 13
Member
4567 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Wait, 4 hours a DAY?!?! Where did that number come from? That is NOT okay. I’m sorry, 4 hours a day… what should he be doing in that time? Working? Helping around the house? Paying attention to you? Sleeping? That’s 1/6 of his day.

Post # 14
Member
601 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010 - Heinz Chapel Ceremony, Museum Reception

No, KM, it was a typo–she said she meant he watched porn for ten minutes, four hours before they had sex.

Edit: Not sure if that reads as harsh, but it’s not supposed to be! Just trying to clarify so everybody is on the same page about the issue the OP is trying to solve. Also, I would have FLIPPED if it were 4 hours a day.

Post # 15
Member
440 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Actually I think that is actually really great of your guy. He is open in expressing his position, trying to be considerate and making a compromise. I think you may be over analyzing this just a little bit. I don’t think that he was trying to prove a point with telling you that he watched porn after a session in bed. It seems like he was just trying to help you know that the porn is not such a big deal. Just like I think that you having solo time would not be a big deal either.

Post # 16
Member
682 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Guys are just this way. It’s OKAY!  I’m sure someone will come on here and post how their SO would never watch porn, but if that’s true they are one in a million that don’t.  Everyone I have ever met DOES (be it friends, my brothers, whatever)…and who cares! My Fiance works on computers and I can’t tell you how many times he’s been transferring files for clients or backing up data an all the porn that has been on these machines either in their browser favorites or in files on their freakin desktop. Probably every single one that was used by just a man. And, we’re talking very wealthy, high profile businessmen…and married.

Every guy I’ve ever dated watched it, and it all started long before I ever stepped in the picture. He’s not hiding it from you and the fact that he screamed back at you “It’s just porn” is probably exactly how he’s feeling. To a guy it’s just NO BIG DEAL and his comment to you about having watched it earlier was not to make you feel bad, it was to show you that “See I watched it earlier and it obviously has no effect on the way I feel about you, etc.”.Him calling and wanting to take you on a date was his way of reaching out to you and trying to be sensitive of your feelings, which was really nice, so take that at face value.  I’m telling you he really doesn’t think it’s a big deal, he never will, he’s a guy, it’s what they do, he’s done it since he was a teen most likely and it’s just stupid little thing he does.

Let it go. Enjoy your life with him, maybe even watch it with him and see that it’s no big deal. You might even get a chuckle out of it.

 

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