(Closed) How to deal with SO and porn? *update (..still freaking out..sorry!)

posted 11 years ago in Relationships
Post # 62
Member
368 posts
Helper bee

I really think the best thing to do would be to see a counselor. You need to find out the reasons you don’t like porn. You may already know all of them. Write them all down, and repeat them out loud. Which one’s are rational, and irrational. Which reason’s can you or he do something about. Relationships are about compromise.

Maybe in your spare time watch some porn. I know that may sound weird, you don’t have to do it for long, just see what kind of feelings it stirs inside of you. You may not even have to watch it to do that. Write your feelings down. You may feel sick, angry, like it’s cheating, etc. I think the best thing to do is to address what your feeling, and why you feel it.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask him to stop watching it either. It may backfire because he may sneak it instead of being so upfront about it. If it’s cutting into his real life physical relationship, he needs to at the least cut back.

Post # 63
Member
2457 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I am Catholic and I dont think Porn is a sin. Its perfectly normal to get aroused when watching other people have sex and it is not cheating It may infact stop one from cheating. Having said that, this is just my opinion. and I dont wish to offend anyone.

Post # 64
Member
649 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

Pinksugar – Some individuals enjoy responding to a request for advice by telling AnniePhD WHAT to do in her situation.

Many others on this thread, myself included, instead approach this from an analytical perspective. We feel it might be helpful to tell AnniePhD HOW we think about the issue, so that she might make her OWN decisions which fit her OWN situation of which we ALL actually know very little.

If you give a man a fish, pinksugar…

Post # 65
Member
461 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

OK so I agree with pinksugar that men don’t NEED porn just because they are visual.   However, I also know that masturbation is supposed to be healthy just so long as you’re not a sex addict.  For him it could be stress relief and that’s okay.  I think that anything that makes you uncomfortable, he should address, but I also think that it’s a little unreasonable to ask him not to masterbate at all.  Also I think that he has made one step toward what you want and maybe it will just take time for him to come around. 

As for him making the point of having watched porn and still had a connection with you, honestly, maybe he thought it would make you feel better.  I don’t think he tried to bring it up to make you angry, I think he was just trying to express that you are much more amazing than any porn star…which is why he’s limiting himself.

ultimately though, only you and your SO can really work this one out.  You need to be on the same page at the end of this regarding views on porn and masturbation.  And it will be hard for him to fake what he really thinks is okay… If you just “force” him not to watch porn or masterbate at all I think you’ll end up coming back to this argument over and over again…so maybe he needs to think about what it would be like if the shoe were on the other foot?  I’m not sure what it will take for the both of you to be on the same page, but I really think it starts with good communication.  I really do wish you the best of luck!

 

Post # 66
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

For the actual issue at hand — the poster being concerned with her FI’s actions — I really do think you two need to sit down with an impartial third party.  What stands out to me is the fact that you’ve told him (maybe in a shrill manner, but I think we’ve all done that at some point when emotions run high) that this upsets you and his reaction is to get angry with you.  I’m also very concerned that he made a point of gleefully informing you what he’d done earlier after you two finished with your couple time.  That smugness is … to me, disturbing. 

 

The other issue at hand, the one the thread has decided to run with, is the issue of men’s “needs.”  Not that it’s bad that we’ve been talking about it — I find everyone’s point of view very interesting and think that this topic needs to be discussed more.  But I’d like to take a minute and speak from a historical perspective, rather than a personal or religious one.  Our attitudes towards men’s erm, “visual” needs is basically a holdover from the Victorian period, when it was believed that men had specific urges that needed to be met — base needs that were not appropriate for his marriage bed.  This is why it was perfectly acceptable for men to seek out prostitutes to take care of these base needs, while fulfilling their traditional roles (i.e. babymakin’) with their good wives.  Obviously, not every man turned to prostitution, but on the whole, it was socially acceptable for a husband to seek out a prostitute to fulfill his needs.  Because, so society said, he was a man, and men have needs.   

What we’re talking about in this forum is just an updated version of this — men have needs.  We’ve come to a point in our development as a society where seeking out a prostitute is no longer socially acceptable for, I would estimate, about 99% of people.  But we’ve replaced the prostitute with the computer screen (or the magazine, if your guy is old school) and so now today we say that porn is socially acceptable, because men have needs.  It’s the same concept, only the excecution has changed.  Men seek out the quick and easy method of satisfaction, and women accept it because society tells them to accept it — society tells them that it’s “normal.”  And that “all guys do it.”    

Obviously, not all Victorian men did this — just as today, not all men get satisfaction from the internet.  What I’m trying to point out is that for whatever reasons, we’ve come to accept the fact that men have needs that extend outside of their partner and that it is OK for them to seek avenues outside of their girlfriend, fiancee, wife to obtain this satisfaction. 

Post # 69
Member
4464 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

@annie: I think you’re being really honest with the problems YOU are having by the way you are looking at things.  Obviously, it was not correct to assume that your husband would stop having solo time just because you began having sex…I doubt you stopped either ;o)

He’s admitting that’s it’s much less often than before you were intimate together, which makes sense, but it’s still going to happen, obviously.  I’m not going to go so far as to say men NEED this and blah blah blah.  It’s just my opinion that women and men fulfill their solo needs in different ways.  I’d rather think about Ryan Reynolds’ abs than watch something on the internet ;o)  But guys like to watch something, go figure.

I also believe that guys like to do things that are “forbidden” or that they could “get caught” doing.  So by continuing to push your husband on this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets a kick out of doing it “behind your back” so to speak.

Anyway, I think you guys need counseling either way, because I think you have more than one issue, but just my two cents on this.

Post # 70
Member
373 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I def don’t think you handled that well.. you shouldn’t give him an ultimadum nor make him feel bad about masterbating… you’ll only make him want to hide it from you more. Try to be more understanding and let it slide, unless of course he just stops having sex with you. Then… big problem.

The topic ‘How to deal with SO and porn? *update (..still freaking out..sorry!)’ is closed to new replies.

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