Post # 1
Hi lovely ladies of WeddingBee!
Let me start by saying that my fiance and I have a great, healthy, and 100% solid relationship, and can’t wait to get married. But his bachelor party is coming up, and I am having real trouble dealing with the fact that he’s probably going to strip clubs. It’s not an issue of trust- I trust him completely and know he would never cross any lines with other women. It’s just that the idea of him being surrounded by scantily clad (let’s be honest, naked) women makes me really uncomfortable. I didn’t expect that I’d feel this way because I completely trust him and because I’m secure and confident in myself, but I think for even some of the most grounded women, the thought of their guy getting liquored up and going to a strip club with his friends is difficult to handle.
I shared these feelings with him. I told him that I didn’t want to change his bachelor party plans (which his friends are handling of course- he doesn’t know whether they’re planning to go to a strip club or not), but that it made me uncomfortable to think of him going there.He assured me that 1) strip clubs do nothing for him sexually, he just sees it as entertainment and a “rite of passage” with the guys, 2) he is always thinking about me and will be that night too, 3) doesn’t find stripper ladies attractive (when he’s been to other strip clubs), and 4) he would never do anything to dishonor me. He said he doesn’t care whether or not he goes to a strip club- just wants to spend time with his buddies- but he wants to leave the planning up to them and go with the flow that night, even if that takes them to a strip club.
All of those things made me feel a little better, and reminded me what a sweet guy I have. But for some reason I am still troubled by the situation- the very act of him going to a strip club feels like betrayal to me (even though I know this is somewhat irrational as he’s not out to get other women), and I find that I’m withdrawing a bit from him because of it. Has anyone else had simiar feelings? How have you dealt with them emotionally? Bottom line: I want to find a way to move on from this, and want him to have a great time with his friends.
Post # 3
@kdelisio: Aww ((hugs)) i’m sorry for how you feel and i understand but the groom is usually very rude to the dancers. I’ve bar tended in one for over 10 years. just let it go he loves you. and hes marrying you let him have fun with his friends its you he wants have FAITH and TRUST!
i told my fiance when his time comes go out and have fun and i’m not going to worry about him Caz there’s no need for us to worry about each other if we had to worry they we would not get married. hes going to have his party and i’m going to have mine and were going to miss each other ; )
Post # 4
Just try think of it like women in a magazine or something. We’ve all seen nude pictures of girls before. It’s the same thing but just in real life. Boobs are just boobs. He’ll be with his mates and won’t actually be talking to the boobs anyway. (I’m just calling the strippers the boobs because honestly, men don’t notice anything else about them anyway). You can’t stop him from ever seeing another set of boobs ever again… They’re everywhere! TV, mags, the beach. This is just one extra night where he gets to see some boobs, for free (at his mates expense).
He’s just going to look at some boobs with his friends because he’s a boy and boys look at boobs. He seems like a decent guy.
Post # 5
@HisNightOwl2014: Thanks for the post! I definitely trust my fiance and have faith in him- thankfully that isn’t the issue. It’s just that the thought of him going into a strip club makes me nauseous (literally). Maybe it’s a personal thing. I guess I just need to find a way to deal with that.
Post # 6
@KellyLouise: This is really helpful. Sometimes boobs are just boobs, lol. I should try to look at it like that.
Post # 7
Ugh – I TOTALLY feel you. This has been up for discussion since day 1 with me and my Fiance because I flat out told him that I do NOT want him having a bachelor party. My feeling on it is that I also don’t want strippers around him. I know he loves me and thinks I have the best set of boobs in the world and that I’m the most gorgeous girl he’s ever seen, but the idea of naked boobies bouncing around his head makes me sick. I’m just a very jealous girl and I can’t help feeling that way. I 100% trust him not to cheat on me, but that doesn’t mean I’m ok with him looking at naked bits for some stupid tradition I don’t even understand any value in!! I don’t have much advice since this is still up for discussion with me and my Fiance lol, but I did want to tell you you’re not alone and it sucks. Maybe get a bunch of extra male strippers for your bach party to even the playing field? LOL 🙂
Post # 8
“I shared these feelings with him. I told him that I didn’t want to change his bachelor party plans (which his friends are handling of course- he doesn’t know whether they’re planning to go to a strip club or not), but that it made me uncomfortable to think of him going there.”
“But for some reason I am still troubled by the situation– the very act of him going to a strip club feels like betrayal to me (even though I know this is somewhat irrational as he’s not out to get other women), and I find that I’m withdrawing a bit from him because of it.”
There have been lots of posts by women in similar situations on these boards, and I really don’t know what to advise you because I don’t have those same feelings about strip clubs BUT
you are contradicting yourself. You told him not to change the plans, and then you’ve said you are troubled and feel betrayed. At least 80% of the girls who post here about being upset about the bachelor party wanted to be the “cool girl” who let her Fiance do whatever, tell him that, and when he does it, gets all pissed off and betrayed and start thinking about calling off the wedding. Your feelings are not aligned with what you’ve told him, and you need to fix that or you’re asking for trouble.
Talk to him and tell him that it feels like betrayal to you, and you really don’t think you can handle it. Ask him if he’s ok with you speaking to the best man or groomsmen so you can explain how you feel and let them know that there is the potential for activities like that to cause problems for you & your Fiance. If they are his true friends, they won’t want to do anything that would cause him grief.
Or, simply trust him, and don’t ask him any questions about what they did. Give him the benefit of a doubt, assume they rented a hotel room, played poker and drank scotch all night, and just don’t go there. What you don’t know in this case will probably not hurt you as long as you don’t go fabricating scenarios in your head.
Whatever you do, do not tell him you’re ok with something when you are not. That is a recipe for trouble.
Post # 9
I just want to say that you’re not alone. I was you 3 week ago. You sound exactly like me. I think the thing is, you don’t want to be controlling and tell him what to do, but you also want your feelings to be respected.
I, too, trust Fiance completely and we had almost the same conversation you two had, verbatim.
i was unapologetic for my position on strippers. I have a problem with it and I don’t really care what anyone else thinks about it. I wouldn’t go to one out of respect for my Fiance, so I don’t see why the same cant be done for me.
Anyway, they went to Vegas for 5 days (!!) for his bachelor party. they were the worst 5 days of my life, but when he got back, he told me they went to one of those topless comedy shows where they’re on a stage and everyone else is in an audience, but that was it. He said he was glad they didn’t take him to a strip club, because it would have been a waste of money anyway.
the range of emotions I was going through before he left were like yours. I couldn’t shake my feelings and thought there was something wrong with me, but then I just realized, it’s something I feel strongly aBout. He would never go on his own dime, so the thought of him being taken there really pissed me off. But all was well when he got back.
I wish I had some magical advice for you, but I don’t. Just to say that youre not alone in your feelings.
Post # 10
*HUGS* Unfortunately, this is just one of those situations. Are you close with his friends? Could you explain to the people planning it how you feel? Seeing as how your Fiance doesn’t even care about where he’s going, I don’t think he would miss anything if they didn’t go to the strip club. I just don’t understand why so many couples go through with bachelor/bachelorette parties when it causes so much drama in the relationship. I think it’s better to not put yourself in that situation if you can, and maybe he can do something tamer (round of golf, casino night, fishing trip, etc). Best of luck!
Post # 11
OP, I know your feelings exactly. I am very grounded and I am incredibly secure in myself and my relationship, but I think it is really very normal for the hormones to kick in and make future brides go kind of crazy when it comes to a bachelor party.
In my situation, I did the same as you, and expressed my feeling to him flat out, but let him make the decisions, after all — it is his party. Despite that, I spent the entire day of the party freaking out in my head. And you know what? He came home the next day and said he walked in with his boys to the strip club, pretended to be too drunk to be there, and left and hung outside for an hour with a few other friends who didn’t want to be there either.
All I can say, is express your feelings and let him make his own decisions. If your relationship is as strong as you feel it is, everything will work out.
Post # 12
@kdelisio: I would feel the same way in your position.
PLEASE, before the fact of his bach party – share your original post with him. I’m sure he doesn’t want you to withdraw from him because that could be damaging to your relationship and future marriage.
My advice is don’t keep these feelings inside and let him know why you are against him going to a strip club and that you DON’T WANT HIM TO GO. I know you trust him, of course you do, and I’m sure he is trustworthy. This is not an issue of trust.
I would tell (and I have) my husband my honest feelings about anything. I have told him at times, “This is how I feel. I have emotions about this. I know logically from one standpoint everything is fine but from an emotional standpoint I am upset about this.” Then, my husband knows clearly where I stand and he can choose his actions from that point on.
Then I can deal with whatever knowing I made my feelings perfectly clear. Your Fiance does not want to hear, AFTER THE FACT, how badly you hate he went to a strip club at his bachelor party. It could potentially taint your wedding and ruin your honeymoon if you have those feelings.
Just tell him how you feel, EVERYTHING you feel, and this one time leave your logical mind out of it. Ask how he would feel if you did the same thing, went to a male strip club and had naked men bounding all around you, etc. Get him to feel the emotions with you, empathize with you. Chance are he will not want to put you through this. You don’t always have to have a logical, rational reason for why you feel the way you do.
Post # 13
@SeaSalt: It’s called being conflicted…lots of people feel this way many times through their lives for many reasons. She told him how she felt and although she wants to feel one way she still feels another…happens sometimes but doesn’t mean she’s contradicting herself.
Post # 14
You really need to be honest with yourself and your Fiance. If the idea of him going makes you uncomfortable and is something you will have difficulty with after, you really need to tell him that. Do not tell him you don’t want him to change his plans becasue that is not true. While you want him to enjoy his bachelor party, you also do not want him going to the strip club.
I don’t think it is too much to ask of your Fiance to tell his friends “No strip club” if you are truly uncomfortable. Some people don’t care if their SO goes to strip clubs, but if you care, your Fiance really needs to respect that.
Post # 15
If it helps: a bachelor party does not automatically mean strip clubs. I used to work at an 18+ go-cart place and we would host bachelor parties about once a week. None of them were that crazy and the guys were always really nice. And none of them ever had girls. I think what we suspect and what we worry is almost always worse than what actually goes on.
Talk to him about where your boundaries are. My Fiance has gone to several bachelor parties and it’s helped us flesh out what is and isn’t OK. I figured out that I really have no problem with strip clubs, but I would be uncomfortable if he was a groom and they hired girls for a private party.
Post # 16
Thank you all for the thoughtful comments. Lucky to have a great bunch of ladies who understand where I’m coming from! I definitely thought I was weird for not being cool with the strip club thing, but clearly I’m not alone.
I am going to think about it some more, but based on your advice I am leaning towards just telling him I prefer he does stuff other than go to strip clubs at his party. Because I think it will be better for our relationship in the long run, and that’s a hell of a lot more important to me than a few of his friends being bummed out over not being able to go see naked women.