Post # 1
When my bf and I first started dating we started talking about having kids almost right away. He told me off the bat that he has male factor infertility and it was one of the factors that caused issues in his previous marriage. So I knew going into this relationship that we would face fertility issues. At first it didn’t bother me all that much, I wasn’t sure that I wanted kids and I figured that if it’s meant to be it will happen. But now that people around me are starting to have babies and I’ve seen how amazing of a father he will be, it breaks my heart to think that this might never happen for us.
I don’t know the exact numbers but his morphology is low. He did 3 IUI’s and one cycle of IVF with his ex and they all failed, they were married for two years and were trying the whole time and never had a successful pregnancy. He was told by the fertility clinic that a natural pregnancy will be difficult but not impossible. Here’s the kicker in all of this… I got pregnant by him the first time we had sex!! And I was on the pill!! Unfortunately, I miscarried at 6w3d. At the time we were definitely not trying and I wasn’t even 100% sure that I wanted kids. I didn’t even know I was pregnant, I was on the pill and used to skip my periods so I didn’t find out until the actual miscarriage that I was pregnant. I was obviously upset but the timing wasn’t great and I figured that when the time is right we will conceive again.
Well it’s now been just over a year off birth control and I’ve realised that there’s nothing like facing infertility to make you realise how much you want a baby! I symptom spot every month… I don’t chart or anything like that because we decided that we want to keep a relaxed approach to this as long as we can (especially given his history with infertility). I find myself getting more and more disappointed each month and sometimes I feel like I’m obsessing about it. This month in particular was hard, I had a super short light period that came one day late with no cramps (I usuall get bad cramps), so I took a test two days later and it was negative. I was crushed (and so was he) and it really sunk in how badly I want this.
So after this long post my question is, for you ladies who have been TTC long term, how do you keep yourself from obsessing about it and getting upset every month even though you know deep down that there was not even a chance you could be pregnant?
Post # 3
@givemecouture: I try to remind myself that there IS a chance! Yes, our chances are lower than others, but all it takes is just that perfect timing and for the stars to align in our favor. It happened for you once already, it can and will happen again. Unfortunately, I have no advice on how to keep it from hurting month, after month, after painstaking month. I wish I could say it magically gets better, but it doesn’t, or hasn’t for me at least.
Have you thought about starting infertility sessions with your doctor? Just because it didn’t work for his ex, doesn’t mean it won’t work for you. Maybe she had underlying issues?
Best of luck and wishes to you. I hope you find comfort and peace soon or better yet, a BFP. I hope we all do!
Post # 4
@Yellow.Clover: thank you so much for the reply! I think it even just helps knowing that other people know how I feel… not that I would want anyone to feel this way!
I find too that I feel bad when I get upset because I don’t want him to feel bad about it. Ugh.
I hope we all get our BFP’s too! 🙂
Post # 5
I’m confused as to why you aren’t seeking fertiility support?
What is your BF’s issue? Male Factor infertiilty can be several different things, some are fixable, some are not…… He needs to get checked out AGAIN, even if he had a full work-up with his last parnter.
I would go get all the facts and then figure out what you are going to do. You can always use a donor… then you would still be pregnant and you would get to experience that aspect together.
Post # 6
@givemecouture: DH and I have been TTC for 3 years now, I have PCOS, and only got useful fertility help at the begining of this year. I started out the same, symptom spotting, noticing every little tweak and twinge, POAS every month I was 5 minutes late for my period…and it was EXHAUSTING!
I was honestly obsessing over every little thing, and it just sucked my energy away until I got to a point where I didnt want to do anything, I had no motivation to even leave the house.
I think, eventually, we came out the other side of a dark time, and now weve reached a place where its a case of we are resigned to what may happen. We are doing all we can, and as cruel as it may sound, I have it in my head that getting PG isnt going to happen for us yet and so that way, I dont obsess over every little thing.
Weve reached an acceptance stage I think. But echoing what PPs have said, definately get you BF checked again so that you both know where you stand now and what plan of action you can take.
Post # 7
Depending on what the problem is, Male Factor can be helped. Has he tried supplements? My Darling Husband went from (think) 5 million (post was for IUI) to 15 million (post wash) to 35 million (post wash) over the past year just by taking supplements. Read the book The Infertility Cure for some exact advice.
As for not charting so you don’t stress out, yeah hows that working for you? For me knowledge is power. I would feel more stress not knowing than just shooting in the dark. I would buy some cheap wondo Ovulation strips online and pee on those (I think afternoon is better, but I don’t use those so ask on another thread for better advice). Not as much stress trying to figure out temps, but some knowledge to know the best time to BD.
Also, when you do BD make sure to use the PP (prenancy position)–doggy style.
Post # 8
@3xaCharm: This, exactly!
@givemecouture: I 100% agree with other posters about the supplements thing. But, if you got pregnant by him before, then there is a chance! There’s always hope. I think seeing a fertility specialist would be a good idea.
Post # 9
Thanks for the responses ladies.. I’m in meetings today from 7:30am-5pm non-stop (shoot me now! lol) but I will respond to you all later on tonight 🙂
Post # 11
@givemecouture: honestly, i would give charting a go – with low sperm, it’s even more important that you time things right, and i’d want to know how we went with timing each cycle… unless you have very regular cycles and very regular sex (probably every 2nd day for low M & M)
yes, it’s a bit stressful for the first month as you learn the patterns and wake up during the night wondering if it’s time to test. but now, for me at least, it’s a habit that i find easier and more enjoyable than brushing my teeth 🙂 and when my Naturo suggested taking a couple of months off while she sorts out our systems, I told her I couldn’t because i’d be more stressed without it 🙂
that’s just my opinion, though, and it’s completely up to you!! All the very best!!
Post # 12
Sorry it took so long to respond… 12 hour days and a total meltdown last night made it kind of hard lol.
The reason why we haven’t tried any fertility treatments yet is because 1) we’re not married yet, which might sound stupid to some people but to me it’s important, and 2) he went through IVF and IUI’s, etc for over two years with his ex and he said it was stressful and hard to deal with. I guess she started to become depressed and suicidal throughout it all and I know he’s scared of the same situation happening to us.
I’m not charting, temping, etc. for the same reason. We have an amazing sex life (TMI sorry), usually every 2 days and so I figure there’s a good chance we’re catching the right days. I’ve used OPK’s just to make sure that everything is working on the days I think it is (and it is)
His issue is morphology. His count and motility are fine (one of them is even on the high side, but I don’t know which one).
I’m actually feeling a lot better about things right now. We talked over the weekend about it and I feel like I understand a lot more of how he’s feeling and what he wants, which does help.
Thanks for the responses ladies!
Post # 13
I know this isn’t easy as it seems but can you get to the point where you just accept the fact that you won’t be able to become pregnant without medical help? Like stop checking, stop wishing, stop hoping? Tell yourself “One day we’re going to get medical help and have a baby but for now, it’s not going to happen so we’ll live our lives the same way we were until then.” Then put it on hold until after the wedding? If it happens, great but you won’t be setting yourself up every month.
I’m saying this because I’ve seen women become very obsessed with having a baby and your Fiance has already said he doesn’t want to go through that again. If you’re already getting really focused before you officially start trying I can only see it getting worst from here.