How to deal with very curious inlaws?

posted 4 months ago in Married Life
Post # 16
856 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Yea, you aren’t going to win this one.  You seem to be forgetting that they aren’t asking about YOUR family.  They’re asking about THEIR family.  You guys are all related now.  Politely asking about their extended family is totally normal for many many people. 

I don’t know if you’re from the same background as your husband, but it would be considered extremely rude for some families if they didn’t ask those questions about your parents/ brother. 

You also aren’t going to be able to control adults asking mutual friends about others.  That’s just not your business to influence. If you don’t want to answer their questions, you can tell them that, but it sounds like you’re having trouble with the reality that other people have different rules around their conversations.  As a PP suggested, it also sounds like you don’t like these people very much.  

Post # 18
9544 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

How do you know they are asking about you/your family and aren’t simply being provided with the information from this mutual friend? Everything in your OP could easily come up in regular conversation, they also aren’t examples of gossip.

Either way, you can’t control their behavior. If they ask an inappropriate question then either call it out by telling them it’s none of their business or give a vague answer and change the subject.

And you can’t barr people who know you from discussing you. It’s just going to happen. My mom frequently asks how my in-laws are and I’ll give her some general updates or sometimes I’ll bring up something about them because they are a part of my life and it’s just a natural part of conversation. If they didn’t want that information told then they either 1) shouldn’t tell me or 2) tell me it’s being told in confidence.

Post # 19
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

I get what your saying, and I can see how it would get under your skin and feel invasive. I think you can only really be upset about the comments they make about you specifically that are actually inappropriate. 

For example, if they thibk it’s ok to go around talking to your family or mutual friends or well anyone about you trying to get pregnant? That is just so not ok and you can and should tell them that. 

You: I am not ok with you asking anyone if/when I or my sister is trying to get pregnant. That is a private matter and discussing that with people can’t happen again. 

Stick with addressing the specifically inappropriate prying questions. Then I suggest telling your family that this mutual friend is sharing private info to your in-laws and you would appreciate it if your family limits the info they give that person. Then talk to the mutual friend giving out the info and let them know that you are a private person and you would appreciate it if they didn’t talk to anyone about your family. 

If your in-laws find out you spoke to that mutual friend and ask about it you can simply say, “ I have a relationship with you all that is separate from that mutual friend. If you all have any questions about what my family is up to etc. please just ask me directly as that is what I am comfortable with. I’m not interested in having a relationship with my in-laws through our mutual friend.  She isn’t a translator and I’m not interested in playing a game of telephone with you about my own life. 


peachnlello :  

Post # 20
2485 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I get your point but I think this is something personal to you and not something that sounds like a huge deal in general. As other have mentioned, it’s not uncommon for in laws to ask about the in laws family. You guys are in a way a big extended family even if you don’t all speak or consider it that way. None of the questions asked sound invasive and I almost feel like you’re trying to drive your point by mentioning topics that are viewed as private. If someone who is family asks if you’re going to TTC it’s a common question that people ask without having malicious intent about it. People casually ask me and my husband all the time because it’s  a conversation starter and a lot of people do it without realizing how private a topic it might be to others. Even on the bee I see so many get up in arms and say it’s so private and nobody’s business but I’ve literally never seen anyone in real life respond that way.  

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