Post # 1
- Wedding: May 2014 - Madison, WI
Just wondering if any non-living together christians have a good/polite way to answer the question of “Well..why aren’t you two living together?” or if you have had to deal with this question yourself. I don’t want to start a religious debate with anyone over this matter when they ask and frankly can’t believe how passionate some people are in telling me I am wrong!
SO and I are very near a proposal and do not plan to live together until we are married. We were both brought up in Christian homes and though in many ways we are quite liberal this is one of the things we’ve stuck with – that we don’t want to live together until the commitment of marriage.
Additionally, I love my parents dearly and I know it would crush my father if we lived together before marriage and I could never hurt him that way after everything him and my mother have done for me on an issue that is not that important to me.
However, so often I get people asking me why we don’t just move in together? They keep on and on me that I might change my mind about him once we move in together cause you know…he might be messy. Or maybe he snores! Or what if he doesn’t know how to use a vacuum/dishwahser/etc?!
Seriously? Messy is not a deal breaker for me. Let me just assume SO will leave a pile of dirty socks in his wake…do I still love him? Of course! I can’t help but want to laugh at some of their reasons. SO and I spend more than enough time together that I feel I get a good idea of what living with him will be like. He is at my place a lot and yes – he does make a mess! LOL but I just clean it up and move on with our lives.
Post # 3
Just say as little as possible. “It’s best for our situation that we wait to move in together until after we get married.” There are all sorts of reasons why couples wait to live together. I can’t people people are being this rude to you. Do they really think you’re going to be like, “Gosh, now that you told me we should live together, we definitely will! Thanks!”
Post # 4
It’s a religious reason, so why not just be confident in your beliefs and say that?
Post # 5
@Ms_Purple: Do you live with your parents? If you do, then you could say you’re living with them to save money for the wedding and a downpayment for a house.
Or you could say that you’re locked into your leases and it would do too much damage to your credit to break them so you’re stuck until after the wedding.
Post # 6
Why lie? Say “we’re christians and we’d rather wait until we’re married”
Post # 7
Ditto with PPs. Put a positive spin on it depending on the person. We look forward to living with each other and experiencing that change as a married couple.
Post # 8
@Ms_Purple: I agree with @bebero: just tell me how it is and in very polite way, that’s all
Post # 9
The absolute best response to any rude or intrusive question is a curious “why do you ask?” with a confused smile on your face. Gets them every time.
Post # 10
i think it’s so rude that people are asking you that. it’s none of their business but since they asked, just tell them the truth (like PP’s said). my Darling Husband and i lived together before marriage but i understand that it’s not for everyone. i think it’s a personal decision that is different for every couple so people shouldn’t judge.
Post # 11
Why can’t you tell people that you just don’t believe in living together before marriage? My Fiance and I are both catholic and do not believe in living together before marriage. We bought a house once we were engaged and he lives there without me. I will be moving in after our wedding! When people ask why we don’t live together we just tell them the reason.
Post # 12
@Ms_Purple: just say you are waiting until marriage.
no further explaination needed.
walk away if someone keeps pestering you about it. what you do is none of their business.
Post # 13
- Wedding: May 2014 - Madison, WI
I am not lying to anyone about this – obviously that’s why they take issue with it. I don’t hide that it is for religous reasons either but saying that often brings up people’s emotions about all sorts of issues related to religion that I don’t want to get into while say getting my haircut and before you know it more and more people are talking about controversial issues that have nothing to do with me and my SO living together.
@Ellyson: I think this is a good polite response. I’m not trying to hide anything but I do not want to start a huge debate either!
@bebero: Not trying to lie, and with friends and family they all know. This is co-workers and aquaintances. Sometimes frankly it’s nosey strangers!
@AB Bride: I like your response as well! I think it opens any converstaion up more to talking about marriage and wedding stuff than starting a religous debate.
I am fine saying it in a way that includes “Because of our beliefes…” just think I needed a way that it was not considered at all an open ended statement to start a debate. I think it is rude and people make too many assumptions. They don’t know my background or where I go to church what donomination I am and will start in on me for issues in a domonimation I have nothing to do with – it is with these people I just want a polite way to respond and move on/walk away.
Post # 14
@Ms_Purple: I would just say, personal reasons or say it’s really none of your business!
Post # 15
- Wedding: May 2014 - Madison, WI
Also, I should maybe add that one reason this is coming up so frequently right now is that I live alone (have for 4 years now) in my own 2 bedroom apartment. SO currently lives 40 miles away but is moving this summer for a new job with a Christian NonProfit in the same city as me and just signed a lease on his own 1 bedroom loft near where he works. I think maybe now that we both are locked into year long leases (Him starting in July and though I sign in June, goes through Sep 1 2014) people will back off a bit! But when they heard he was looking at apartments it really got the questions started.Esspecially since based on our timeline one of us (me thankfully -a bit more space if needed) will still be locked into a few months of a lease left when we get married.
Side note: I find it interesting that no one ever questions SO about this, he’s open and tells people and they’re just like oh that’s cool you wouldn’t want to give up your independence too soon! – I never like a double standard for men and women. It’s cool for him but bad for me? I like my idependence too! LOL
Post # 16
I usually say, we’re Christian and come from traditional families, it’s important to us and it’s important to many people that love us that we wait. So we are. If people start with the “what ifs” (he’s messy, snores, etc) then just say, “I’m sure we can figure that out,” and change the subject.