(Closed) How to deal with work place bullies / frenemies?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
9672 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@howtobeawife:  Oh, wow, you’re describing a co-worker of mine exactly.  We used to go out to lunch together, attend social events and share daily office gossip.  But she is the kind of person who is always angry, defensive and negative.  She is critical of everyone, including her family and so-called friends.  I realized she has very poor self-esteem, so it makes her feel good to tear other people, including me (her one and only office friend, nobody else can stand her) down.  The definition of a bully – she has no healthy relationships at all.

The only thing I’ve been able to do with any success is distance myself from her.  Ever since I’ve withdrawn the “friendship” part of our working relationship, my time in the office has been much more peaceful and stress-free.  You can’t help some people no matter how hard you try.  Some people enjoy being miserable, I guess, just don’t let them bring you down with them.

A “frenemy” is not a true friend, they’re toxic.  I decided to cut toxic people out of my life.  Life is so much more fun now!  The only way I know how to deal with these people is from a distance.

Post # 4
Member
2831 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Ughh people are weird. I had a situation with a co worker once where we were very close then all of the sudden she was ignoring me and shooting dirty looks. I never figured out what happened; then all of the sudden she was fired!

There are just some people like that; if I were you I would just stay away from her. If you truly are not doing those things that she is saying then you don’t have anything to worry about. Since she is also very ugly to others, I think they will see that she is just acting crazy and trying to start drama.

Don’t let her get to you!

Post # 6
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

 I don’t believe in frenemies. If you don’t like someone or vice versa you can be respectuful, cordial without being friendly. Has she done anything else. I don’t think what you mention raises to the level of bullying, or is talking bad about you. Well it may be catty depending on her tone, it also sounds like a concern friend.

On unrelated level my work work friends who have transition to real life friends is very very low. At work Ithink it’s important to be friendly, have a nice team chohession but also maintain some distance that keeps it on a professional level. 

If you feel the need to address bring up your concerns and again tell her you also feel you been spending less time together because of P.

Other then that my only advice is too just to remain calm, not become an object of gossipe in the work place, so it doesn’t blow up into a bigger thing then it is, and distract you guys from the most important reason you are there, which is too work.

good luck!

 

Post # 8
Member
6359 posts
Bee Keeper

KILL THEM.

 

I kid, I kid. I just really dislike bullies, especially adult bullies.

 

How I deal with it? Spot “frenemies” early and always keep them at arm’s length. They always get “public joya,” not “personal joya.” I never give them information to use against me or my friends, but I act “friendly”. I also build deeper relationships with true friends I meet at work, but we don’t act clique-y at work, as this would just be bait for more drama from the frenemies.

Post # 9
Member
2448 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@TwoCityBride:  +1

I’m nice and respectful but I don’t “hang out” with my coworkers aside from a lunch once in a blue moon. People change and life events happen and if a relationship sours, it’s a lot more difficult to keep your game face on when you have to deal with that person every day at work. I would just stay away from the woman.

Post # 12
Member
5962 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

Work is work, I love my fellow employees, but you gotta draw a line somewhere with them.  I’m nice, respectful, caring, helpful, we have fun and I don’t see them outside of this place…I have my friends, and my co-workers, NEVER the twain shall meet.

Post # 13
Member
3152 posts
Sugar bee

That’s why I am a bit of a loner at work.  I have a friend here and there but I refuse to be part of any cliques.  Life is just simpler that way.  Had a bad experience on my last job. 

Post # 14
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@howtobeawife:

I think the first tthing you need to do is cut out the middle men and us vs her mentality. I noticed you said it begun to weigh on you and others, and you also said you heard.These people may be stirring up drama because they dislike her and you should never take second hand information as fact.

Invite her to coffee or lunch just the two of you, talk to her about tension or not hanging out any more without bringing up any names. Say things have changed between you but you want to still be friendly(only if you do) or keep a good relationship for work.

My second word of advice is don’t talk about her or listen to anyone else saying they heard or passing along he said/she said type of information. So if a friend brings it up, you can say something like I like to keep it positive here at work and quite frankly I’m really not concerned about what she has been saying behind my back. And really you shouldn’t care  because if she really is doing those things it will only make her look bad and unprofessional.

Again nothing you have said seems to raise to what I consider bullying, but if there incidents from the past and in present document them, bring them up to hr only if they are solid things, and if they continue to effect the workplace in a negative way. Again I wouldn’t go up to hr with the lastest incident but others from the past, and those from the future if she continues.

Another option is instead of a face to face sending a short email clearing the air and asking to keep things professional for the sake of both of your jobs.

good luck!

 

Post # 16
Member
2425 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@TwoCityBride:  Agree with this. This situation doesn’t read like bullying to me, and to approach it as such to the person in question would just be perpetuating the drama.

If it were me, I would just ignore it. It is not worth the get tangled up in drama in the workplace. She isn’t doing anything or saying anything that has potential to affect you in the workplace, so I don’t think it’s worth it to even address it. She sounds like a gossip, which is irritating, but she hasn’t been vicious. If she were, for instance, to start rumors about your ability to do your job, then I would approach it, most likely through the correct management chains.

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