(Closed) How to deal w/questions pre engagement?

posted 12 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
33 posts
  • Wedding: August 2009

Speaking as someone who just got engaged and is coming exactly where you are (like, exactly, down to the 5 years!), I just have to say that you can’t control what people will think or say. People have been talking about us getting engaged and married for amost the past two years now and it def. went through a rough patch when my now Fiance was having issues with his old job and quit to find a new one, which also meant a pretty significant pause in our self-made schedule (he’s since found one and loves it at his new work). 

I’d just be honest — like "Hey guys/girls, I love you but you really need to lay off the questions. It’ll happen when it happens!" Doesn’t have to be said meanly or anything, but just straightforwardly. Sometimes people don’t know when to stop, you know?

Don’t let it get to you too much. When the engagement finally happens, all of this will be old news and you might as well not waste too much energy letting them make you feel stressed. And it seems once you do get engaged, you’ll have a lot of eager folks to help get things done ;). Good luck!

Post # 4
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I think that more then anything, unfortunatly – you may just have to deal with it. You’ve chosen the road less travled – for lack of a better way to put it – and to most (including me) won’t really understand why if you’ve taken all these steps and your overjoyed why you would insist on waiting further.

I do commend you for your choice, and while it’s not anything I could imagine doing personally – it certianly doens’t make your choice wrong in anyway and your friends probably know that they are just really excited for you… 

It seems you’ve made your intentions clear, and people just keep asking – it’s boud to happen, not much more to be done. Like a pregnant woman being asked when she’s due,what gender it is and if they can touch her belly.

Hang in there, find a way to laugh it off – seems it might be the only way. 

Post # 5
2408 posts
Buzzing bee

i know how you feel. while it’s common knowledge that the bf and i will be getting married some day soon, we just don’t know when that will be since our schedule keeps being thrown for a loop plus we haven’t settled on the whole, "who’s moving where" question since we’re in an ldr. so the questions keep coming from friends, coworkers [at least the ones close enough to know that we’re on this path], church members and even from my parents.

as tiresome as it can get [and its gotten to the point where i have to do a preemptive strike before anyone even opens their mouths], just remember that they’re your friends and are excited for you too. these types of questions come with the territory of long-term committed relationship and all you can really do is try not let it bother you and just smile when you answer. i use the same line, "i’ll let you know when i find out", and that works for that moment. plus, it’ll just get you ready for the next round of constant "when’s the wedding?" or "how’s the planning going?" questions. consider this practice ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 6
2029 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I know exactly what you mean. I was getting it every day from my family and friends. They kept asking why I wasn’t getting married yet. It was sad and embarassing for me. For a long time I made up excuses like we can’t afford a wedding right now, etc, and then finally one day I snapped and said "Because he hasn’t asked me yet!!!!"

It stopped after that.

Post # 7
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Try waiting 9 years ..

But it was worth the wait.. =)

Believe me when I say I know how you feel.  Sometimes I’d be in tears because I’d be so annoyed with people asking me ALL the time. 

My usual response was, "Why don’t you ask him?"  but .. they never did.  LOL.  

Or "Next week," and they just get a confused look on their face like "WHAT?!  You’re getting married next week?!"  

Post # 8
75 posts
Worker bee

We dated for about 4 years before getting engaged. I definitely wouldn’t consider this to be the road less traveled or outside the norm. I think it all depends on timing, life circumstances, individual preferences, etc.

Personally, I would just say something really sweet and sarcastic, like "Oh, you’ll be the first person we call!" or, in response to the when are you getting married question, "Oh, about two years after the last person asks."

I also like fadedblue’s recommendations if you want to go that route. Basically, you need a nice way to say that you’re on your own timeline and that it’s none of their beeswax!

Post # 9
4 posts
  • Wedding: May 2009

Do what we did – after getting constant questions for about two years, we finally started telling people that if they mentioned the word "wedding" around us, they were committed to 10% of the wedding costs! Of course, this was all in jest (although now, after 4.5 years, we are engaged and I kind of want to cash in on their "money owed!") It didn’t completely stop people from asking questions, but it did help us get the message across that, yes, we’re paying for this thing, so marriage will happen when it happens.

Post # 11
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

Kudos to you both then for waiting until you feel ready.  You are both so young, that it makes sense to wait until the time is right and not let others pressure you into anything.  I think there are lots of great suggestions on here for how to respond, but you could just say "I promise to let you know as soon as we do – which will be whenever we are ready, we are not rushing into anything!"

Post # 12
52 posts
Worker bee

I hear ya!!!  I was with Fiance for 6 years before we got engaged and went to 13 weddings last year before it was official. We knew we were on that road, and clearly, i was waiting, but the comments were unbelievable  – "oh, don’t worry, you’ll be next" or "when do you think we will be at your wedding". Uh, hello – is it  any of your business or do you think we haven’t thought about it either?!
Just smile, nod, and walk away. A ‘soon’ seems to work. Or "we’re working on it :)" When it does happen, all that frustration just melts away. Although, not gonna lie, totally cried before every wedding we went to last year because I knew that I was going to get bombarded.


Post # 13
11 posts

We are in the same boat!!

We’ve known each other for going on 8 years… But have only been dating for 1. And the question came up long before we were a couple. From both families and our friends. I knew from day 1 we’d be together forever… I just didn’t know how.

Now, we know it’s coming. We’re planning for it. We’ve agreed on a short engagement, so I know that when he does propose, it’s time.  

The thing is, it’s no one else’s business except for us. Some of our friends will get married in a shorter amount of time, but the important thing is not to compare yourself to them. Do what’s best for you. As for the questions, tell people to mind their own business. ๐Ÿ™‚  

Post # 14
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

i haven’t read everyone’s comment above, so excuse the redundancy….

i just got out of those same exact shoes. my fi proposed New Years Eve and by the time he did i was literally an emotional mess. primarily bc of family and friends calling me all day each day asking me whether or not he had proposed yet.

We will celebrate our 5th year anniversary next weekend.

All i could really do is do what you are doing now. but i understand it….i found myself getting snippy and upset with my Fiance and it had nothing to do with him, we were following the timeline that was best for us. everyone doesnt fit into the neat mold of meet and marry in 2 years.

 toward the end, i did end up snapping at a few close friends and admitting to them that they were driving me . it worked. then the next weekend i was engaged. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Good Luck!!!

Post # 16
754 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

  Congratulations!!!  Tell us how he did it!

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