How to decide if you should let it go? (Chores and behavior change)

posted 2 months ago in Married Life
  • poll: Should I
    Let it go : (2 votes)
    5 %
    Keep trying : (9 votes)
    23 %
    Combo : (29 votes)
    73 %
    Other : (0 votes)
  • Post # 2
    Member
    5247 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2015

    Combo – 

    Keep pushing with the expense reports but compromise with the laundry.  If certain things need to be washed a certain way, set them aside and do it yourself later.

    Post # 3
    Member
    1732 posts
    Bumble bee

    Don’t let the expense reports go. That’s ridiculous. Are you sure he’s not doing them and keeping the money for himself? I can’t think of any other reason why someone would just not fill out a report and attach some receipts to get their own money back.

    For the laundry, I would just do it yourself. You said he does a lot of housework, let laundry be the thing you do.

    Post # 4
    Member
    730 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2019

    SeaOfLove :  Agreed! Thousands of dollars a year is a lot and Id push that issue.

    The laundry thing – lots of people dont see the point of sorting. Thats easily fixed by doing what SeaofLove said and setting aside items you want handled differently

    Post # 5
    Member
    750 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: City, State

    I prefer to separate issues into “my problem”, “your problem” and “our problem”…. Your husband is creating annoyances for you individually and you as a unit that don’t bother him individually.

    In this situation, I’d separate my laundry from his.  He can throw all his stuff together if he wants. Your leggings / work clothes don’t need to be a part of his wash.  Boom, done.

    How do you handle budgeting? I’d suggest you take the the $xxxx he loses to his company out of HIS fun-money part of the budget instead of sharing the loss.  I’d also offer to help him so that you guys get it back. If he doesn’t mind losing the money, I’d suggest you discuss it as part of your annual charitable giving for the year.  It will feel a lot better to donate hundreds of pairs of eyeglasses to kids than to give a company more money.  

     

    Post # 6
    Member
    269 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    I would be livid over the expenses issue. I’d show him what you can do with that $ every year – fancy vacation, better car, you get the idea.

    Then I’d get him a card specifically for business, and he’s in charge of paying it off – but the one rule is NOT by transferring money from your joint account. If he wants to pay it off out of his “fun money” or a second job at McDonald’s or by letting it go delinquent- that’s his problem not yours.

    as for laundry, just forbid him to do your clothes. You each do your own. If he wants to go to work looking like a mess in faded, wrinkled clothes… not your problem. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    120 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2019 - City, State

    I’m surprised you let the money one go – this to me is a much bigger deal! When you think about it, can you afford to outsource the laundry or buy new clothes? This is the most extreme case, but if the answer is yes, then don’t stress about it when he does the laundry wrong – you can think of it as the consequences are not that bad, if you can’t “fix” the root of the problem.

    When you say he doesn’t listen to you for these two issues, why is that? Force of habit? I admit I’m one of those people who do NOT sort and I hate doing it – I only do it for the SO’s clothes sometimes when I see a new shirt. 😀 When I buy clothes for myself I deliberately choose fabrics that don’t bleed as much (like almostt no cotton) and that I can throw in dryer without worrying about heat setting. That literally is me being lazy about it though, if it were something SO got annoyed about I’d try harder.

    Keep in mind it’s about improvement, you’re probably never going to succeed 100% in changing someone’s habits, especially when they don’t want to. 

    For the expense reports, I’d ask if there are easier ways he can do it, for example if it’s travel related can he just get the company to book for him or use the corporate credit card. Can he just expense anything over $100 and not sweat the small stuff, anything would be improvement. Otherwise, if you are super savvy you could potentially try and write it off on your taxes – I think this money one is a question of responsibility – is he not motivated by money at all?

    Post # 8
    Member
    2800 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2018

    cbgg :  Ok, with the laundry thing… the only sorting that I do is whites vs colors and I usually wash towels together by themselves, otherwise everything goes in together. I have lots of leggings and work out clothes and I’ve never had any issue like you’re describing. I second a PP, just put your clothing aside and wash it yourself.

    The expense report thing, I actually have the same issue with my husband! He’s always so busy at work and he travels outside of the country so he has to figure out exchange rates and stuff so he just doesn’t do it. I actually just emailed him and told him to give me his receipts and I’ll do it for him. Expense reports are definitely a pain in the ass when you have a lot to expense, but it needs to be done. I would keep pushing him to do these, like as soon as he gets back from traveling.

     

    Post # 9
    Member
    545 posts
    Busy bee

    cbgg :  the financial problem would drive me nuts but I’m a pretty frugal person. I’d continue broaching the subject. I think they have new apps and software where you can track expenses effortlessly, maybe you can look into that?

    As to the laundry, we wash all of our clothes without sorting but we’ve never had any of the issues you’re describing. That being said, i keep delicate clothes and dry clean clothes out of the hamper and hand wash them/take them to dry cleaners myself. Have you considered buying one of those hampers that you can presort your clothes? That might solve your problem as he can dump each bag on its own, in its own wash cycle. 

    Also,  if you get detergent streaks on some of your clothes,  I recommend selecting an extra rinse cycle on your washer. That resolved the issue for us. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    7691 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2010

    Expense reports= important

    Laundry= not important

    Post # 12
    Member
    1133 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2018

    Omg this post gave me anxiety. I’m in accounting and process all the expense reports at my work and spend a decent amount of my time beating people like your husband over the head to get their expense reports. 

    How is it that his work doesn’t require him to turn them in? I would imagine that his travel expenses are budgeted somewhere and he’s throwing a wrench into things by not turning his expenses in.

    ETA: As far as the laundry issue goes, I say if he wants to ruin his own clothes let him but he shouldn’t be allowed to wash yours anymore. That’s so frustrating though because he clearly understands exactly what he should be doing but does the wrong thing anyway in blatant disregard.

     

    Post # 13
    Member
    3090 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: January 2021

    The expense report thing is utterly ridiculous and I cannot wrap my head around why or how a grown man could possibly justify giving thousands of his own dollars away to his employer… That’s literally what he is doing. He is spending his own money on company-related things and then not making them pay him back. What the actual fuck? 

    As for the laundry – just do your own. My fiance and I both do our own laundry and have a shared hamper in the laundry room for towels and linens, which we take turns throwing in. It works very well! We will sometimes do one another a solid and do the other person’s laundry is t they can’t get to it, or we will combine our whites to make a full load when one of us wants to do whites but only has enough to fill half the washer. Other than that we each do our own day to day laundry so we don’t have to worry about accidentally throwing the wrong thing of the other person’s into the dryer or whatever. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    7075 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    cbgg :  Definitely don’t give up on the expense reports – I would kill my husband for that crap.

    For the laundry I would get a sorter that way you can pre-sort the clothes as you take them off so that all he has to do is grab a load and throw it in. Or just split it and each be in charge of your own laundry. 

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