How to decide if you should let it go? (Chores and behavior change)

posted 2 months ago in Married Life
  • poll: Should I
    Let it go : (2 votes)
    5 %
    Keep trying : (9 votes)
    23 %
    Combo : (29 votes)
    73 %
    Other : (0 votes)
  • Post # 16
    Member
    859 posts
    Busy bee
    Post # 17
    Member
    7184 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    cbgg :  I’m so anal when it comes to money I’d probably prep his expense reports for him and then all he has to do is turn it in. We get reimbusements for some medical/dental expenses from my husband’s union and he never does it – I’ve given up and I handle all the paperwork and tell him where to sign. It’s about $1,200/year and I want that cash back!

    Post # 18
    Member
    3346 posts
    Sugar bee

    Thousands of dollars? Is he high? I like the idea of a separate credit card for his expenses, not to be paid by your bank accounts. Very easy to see where the money is going and it should be easier to do an expense report. 

    Post # 19
    Member
    2199 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I’m with the others, I’d not be willing to give up the money his company should be paying back. That money can be used for any number of things that could benefit both of you.

    I think if you want your laundry done a certain way, do it yourself. Same goes for any chore. Don’t like how I wash dishes? Do it yourself. Don’t like how I clean the bathroom? Feel free to go in after me and do whatever your heart desires. People have different levels of what they are comfortable doing and living with. I don’t spend much on my clothes and have typically worked where it doesn’t matter (the clothes are going to get dirty, stained, or torn anyway.) I don’t sort my laundry at all!!!! I’m a heathen, I know.

    Post # 20
    Member
    14885 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    Damn, I cann’t fathom why he would let thousands go without getting reimbursed.  Sorry, but you/he may think you’re in the financial situtaion to not ‘need” those few thousands today, but seeing as to how he’s still working to earn a living and not retired living it up, I’m going to argue that it is “needed”.  I mean, ask him if he would randomly give away thousands of dollar to someone (hey you can shoot it my way), or if that just sounds stupid cause that’s exactly what he’s doing.  And two words: compounding interest – imagine how much that money could grow to after being invested down the line.  i would not be litting this one go.

    As for laundry – I don’t understand how mixing clothes in the laundry can ruin anything and need to be washed again.  We only separate whites out and leave the rest to just toss in.  But we have different hampers to do the separating and I do think it’s easier to throw it in the right hamper and toss each one in, than to take the effort to separate before putting it in the wash.  I’d give that a try first.

    Post # 21
    Member
    3090 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: January 2021

    cbgg :  What is his reasoning?

    Does he just forget and then after it has been “too long” he decides not to bother because he is embarassed that he forgot?? 

    There is a really easy fix for that – just pop in a calendar reminder the week before expenses are typically due to be filed each month and allot 15 minutes to doing them…

    I have ADHD. My entire LIFE is a struggle to remember to do important stuff so I don’t get bit in the ass. Calendar reminders are my saving grace. 

    Post # 22
    Member
    1144 posts
    Bumble bee

    What’s his tax rate? Because he’s losing thousands of after tax money. This means if it’s like where I live (Australia), which has a tiered tax structure, if I’m losing out $2000 after tax I’m actually losing $3200 pre tax. So… he’s effectively giving himself a pay cut for no reason. Perhaps explain that concept to him? incorporate that lost expense in terms of what his effective pre tax salary is, that might help put things into perspective. No one likes a pay cut surely…

    Also I do find it odd, if he’s spending thousands of dollars on work, why don’t they give him a company credit card? I’ve never had to shell out money in that magnitude then have to claim back. An odd meal here or there or an Uber ride, sure. And admittedly I procrastinate claiming them too because they’re small. But on an annual basis, it wouldn’t be more than $100. And I’m too stingy not to claim it back eventually lol… that’s a pair of new shoes! Or a nice meal out!

    As for the laundry, I only separate light and dark colours. I tend not to use the dryer either. Fiancé never used to separate them and he puts it all through the drying. So his white T-shirt’s inevitably take on a grey tint over time and shrink lol… he seriously has no idea how to sort the colours (and what should and shouldn’t be dried) though I have told him. So I usually do laundry and he does a lot of the other chores. We do have two baskets, one for those ok for drying. He still throw things in the wrong basket sometimes, what can you do? Lol…

    Post # 23
    Member
    2870 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2018

    missyjz :  A lot of companies don’t give out company credit cards… my company (that my husband also works at) has a company card to use for booking plane tickets, though we usually use our own to get points, but everything else you’re expected to pay on your own and then expense. Same with my girlfriend who travels two weeks out of each month.

    My husband hasn’t done his expenses since December, this post actually reminded me that he keeps talking about how he needs to get caught up… I did his January one earlier, $950. I’ll be doing the rest next week.

    Post # 24
    Member
    248 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2019

    The expense reports would bother me. That’s money that you could use for other things even if you don’t necessarily need it.

    When someone’s doing you the favor of doing your laundry I don’t think you should critique them. If how he does it bothers you do your own laundry. Fh does his, I do mine and I’ve never even noticed if he sorts his or not, it’s not my concern. He has his own laundry basket, I have mine. Him doing your laundry is a nice thing that he should be in no way expected to do. I’d just tell him you appreciate his effort but are going to start doing your own laundry. If you don’t want to do your own laundry, appreciate the favor he is doing you and deal with the fact some clothes might get ruined.

    Fh sometimes throws loads in for me but he doesn’t know what I dry and what I hang so leaves it in the washer for me to sort out. In reguards to ruining clothes are they maybe just washed and dried on to hot of a setting? Aside from linens and towels I wash everything on cold and dry everything on delicate as my dryer runs very hot. The sales lady at Lulu has told me specifically that if I dry my leggings the sheen will be gone.

    Post # 25
    Member
    3529 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

    I think one of these bad boys might solve the problem; I think keeping your delicate items separate is a great solution. It would absolutely piss me off that he knows full well that it bothers you, yet does it anways. I’d be furious. But… here’s to being the bigger person! lol

    I also really like the idea of using separate credit card for his work expenses & not using personal funds to pay it off. If he’s really stressed about the backlog, do what PP suggested and just include the bigger dollar value ones. Or if you really want to, you can let the backlog go and start fresh now. It may really mess with their 2018 financial statements to get big expense reports handed in now, accounting may have some choice words for him about it.

    Post # 26
    Member
    6083 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: February 1997

    My Dh travels all the time, and the expense report issue would drive me mad. HE IS PAYING THEM TO WORK FOR THEM!! It is absolutely absurd. And no, no incremental change or letting it slide because he is ashamed. He SHOULD be ashamed; he’s cheating his family out of thousands by BEING LAZY.

    Seriously, after a full week of travel – hotels, food, rental car, airline tickets or mileage – it only takes Dh about half an hour to log everything. i get that it’s not fun, but sometimes work isn’t fun, either, but I still put on my big-girl panties and go. You cannot get a pass on things because you don’t like them. That’s the bad part of adulting. 

    Post # 27
    Member
    111 posts
    Blushing bee

    You say you have joint finances, so half that money is yours. He is using thousands of dollars of YOUR money on stuff that his company should be paying for! I don’t know how you structure your budget, but I definitely agree with the bees who have said this should come solely out of his fun money budget. 

    Also that’s great that you’re financially comfortable right now, but things can unexpectedly change. Can you imagine if you ever run into a problem where having that extra tens of thousands of dollars (built up over the years) would take care of it? But you don’t have it because he couldn’t be bothered to do his expense reports? 

    I get that now he’s overwhelmed about past ones but at the very least he needs to start with the current and future expenses!! (And yes I agree, just do your laundry separately)

    Post # 28
    Member
    7919 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    Everything they all said, plus use laundry liquid instead of powder. cbgg :  

    Post # 29
    Member
    1850 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    cbgg :  This comment would piss me off, because the only reason he said it was because he was trying to antagonize you, “You’re going to love this, I just threw everything in together.”

    He sounds like a lazy jerk, because the expense reports are laziness and his purposely drawing your attention to doing the laundry the way you’ve asked him not to is jerkiness. 

    Post # 30
    Member
    1144 posts
    Bumble bee

    I wouldn’t jump to that conclusion, with the lack of tone and facial expressions, it’s hard to judge intention. Especially when OP said everything else is great.

    My fiancé loves to provoke me about some of the little things I dislike (won’t say hate cos I just don’t care about little things enough to have it really bother me), and sometimes I do the same. It’s all said in jest. If you take what we say and put it in text, I’m sure it sounds terrible..

    It’s also possible that OP’s husband put on the laundry and only when she came home, he realised he forgot to separate them again. So he tried to make a joking comment about it, which of course piss her off even more (I would’ve been too lol) knotyet :  

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