How to decide if you should let it go? (Chores and behavior change)

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
  • poll: Should I

    Let it go

    Keep trying



  • Post # 31
    369 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2025 - City, State

    Would the color catcher products help with your laundry problem?  Personally, I use 3 separate hampers (lights, darks, reds).  On a side note, if it’s all jumbled together, how can you even tell if you have a full load of one type?  But maybe people who don’t hoard laundry quarters also don’t worry about running partial loads!  Haha.  Or, yeah, do your own laundry separately if neither of those is a workable solution.

    You say you don’t have separate budgeted “fun money”, but do you run large purchases by each other?  Like, would he talk to you about the expense if he wanted a new laptop (and his wasn’t completely dead)?  “Well honey, I would feel a lot more comfortable spending that money if we weren’t throwing away an equal amount on your work travel / business lunches.  Why don’t you file those expense reports and then we’ll talk.”  Or you could do the same thing if he wants to take a weekend away / go on a snowboarding trip with his friend / try a fancy new restaurant.

    Post # 32
    1153 posts
    Bumble bee

    That is so interesting, must be a US thing? All the companies I worked for book flights and accomodation for us, we give them our frequent fliers numbers so they put it on our bookings, so we go get the points individually. We get cab vouchers. Food is usually reimbursed afterwards unless you have a company credit card.  

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    echomomm :  

    Post # 34
    7843 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: February 1997

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    missyjz :  You are right; that is how things are supposed to work! The company that Dh worked for in the past worked that way, and when I was travelling for work before we had children, my company booked flights and accommodations for us. But the company he works for now is based in Holland and when Dh took the job they were just opening their North American Division, so they didn’t have those things in place yet. But because no one has really complained, they haven’t changed anything. But Dh gets hotel points because he’s able to book his own accommodations, and he gets the airline points/credit card points as well, so our family vacations are all but free.

    That said, they are excellent about reimbursement. But the only things we haven’t paid for initially have been cruises and overseas trips, and that’s because the company books those for us. 

    Post # 36
    1376 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    This sounds mommyish, but the expense reports would piss me off so much, I’d probably just insist he turn them over and do them myself! Yes it’s not my responsibility but I hate losing money!

    The laundry stuff…I’d just take out the most delicate fabrics and stuff that bleeds and do a separate load.

    Post # 37
    1995 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2016 - Sussex, UK

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    missyjz :  UK and D.H gets travel and accommodation booked for him and has a company credit card for meals. My Brother-In-Law pays upfront himself and hands over all the receipts monthly. I guess it depends on the company.

    I’d go crazy if D.H had to claim back thousands. Personally we can’t afford to lose that thousands but even if we were very high earners I’d still get him to claim and give the money to charity like a PP said. 

    On the washing front I keep stuff aside stuff for the dry cleaners and after telling D.H 3 times to keep wool items separate he’s getting better. His mother and ex girlfriend would never let him do the washing so I lay some blame at their doors. He used to chuck anything in and put it on 60 degrees. 

    Post # 38
    768 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: January 2005

    Old married here, you have got to pick your battles. Laundry is a battle that could easily be solved if you separate your own clothing or you do the laundry yourself and assign him another chore that balances out. 

    Example: I hate cleaning bathrooms. I never want to do it ever. So hubby and I have agreed to him doing the bathrooms because he doesnt mind. I have taken on the chore of doing the stairs and hallway. Its a trade off. 

    As for the expense report, some people just cant focus to do them. I do expense reports for our family, because I keep up with all the payments, bills, savings, and spendings for each month. Hubby also has dyslexia, which means he can get numbers and things mixed up and throw off the whole system. 

    Maybe you set aside a basket or a folder with all the receipts from day to day to put them in. Typically near the door so when he comes in he has to empty his pockets they can go right into the basket. We get receipts for everything and we have a little basket they go in on the entryway table. This works for us, but Im sure there are other systems that can work for others.

    Also if you have complained about it, calmly and then loudly it might just be passive aggressive that he doesnt do it. Have you ever asked him why he doesnt do the expense report instead of just telling he needs to?


    Post # 39
    11076 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State



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    cbgg :  

    Where I got stuck Bee, was in your opening statement. You described your situation as one in which either you would end up winning or your husband would end up winning

    I don’t see that as an ideal mindset for negotiating within the context of a marriage. If one partner wins, by definition, the other must lose. I suspect that is not your conscious intent at all.  But, words have enormous power.  I wonder if the win/lose beliefs are seeping out and manifesting in subtle ways of which you are unaware. These things can come through loud and clear via body language and tone. The other partner senses the cues and goes into defense drive. Once one partner goes on the defensive, all hope of a positive, healthy resolution are gone. 

    Just a thought.

    As to the laundry. The Bees are coming up with some great suggestions. Allow me to throw in another, coming in from a different angle of approach.  Is a “chore trade” a possibility? Maybe just taking him off of laundry detail and giving him a different assignment? It sounds as if his resistance to the remarkably simple task of sorting reflects a bit of passive aggression. If the Bees’ wonderfully creative ideas fail, I’d consider swapping out laundry for something else. It’s really ok.  We all hate or suck at something. For me, it’s folding. I’ll happily put anything away that does not require folding.  It’s too tedious for me. I can’t stand it. Fortunately, Dh doesn’t mind it at all. Problem solved.  No square peg/round hole war.

    Blowing off thousands of dollars? Yeah, I’d fight to the death. I’d probably fight to the death over hundreds of dollars. Throwing good money down a rabbit hole does not set well with me and it has potential implications below the surface.

    Is there any possibility that he’s being dogged about his expense reports and just hasn’t told you? Is there the slightest chance there’s something he does not want his employer to know? There is absolutely no other rational explanation for throwing thousands away.  It’s lovely that he feels that you two can afford it. He should have checked in with you on that. Life can throw some amazing curve balls at you; hard and fast. And, if he’s got money to burn, how about donating it to a deserving organization rather than his (presumably) for profit employer?

    And that’s a perfectly reasonable way to reframe it.  Your husband is making cash donations to his employer without benefit of the tax deductions.

    Again, there could be a bit of passive aggressive behavior rearing up in his resistance on this issue as well. If it were me, I’d call him out on it. My Dh could teach a course on P/A resistance. He will never admit/acknowledge/agree/confess to anything in the moment. It matters not if the evidence is overwhelming; including sworn video testimony from five Superior Court judges. Fortunately, he ultimately goes through some sort of cleansing process in his head and ends up doing the rational thing.

    Just some random musings.  As they say in AA:  Take what you need, leave the rest.

    Post # 40
    1153 posts
    Bumble bee

    I’ve never had black clothes coming out with white marks, are they laundry powder stains? I do remember with my old place I rented, the washing machine must’ve been from the 90s, didn’t even have  a display screen, that used to not distribute laundry powder property and I’d find chunks here and there when the laundry was done. And had to hand wipe some marks off clothes.

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