(Closed) How to decline "free" help from friends/friendors/loved ones??

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
1844 posts
Buzzing bee

Oh goodness!  Can you imagine the food poisoning possibilties with food transported 6-7 hours?

Since you and Fiance are paying for the wedding you can keep some details quiet so you don’t have to deal with this.  Am I right that your well-meaning mom might be a teeny part of this problem?

You and Fiance need to decide what you can do for catering, get that buttoned down and then you can just say, “thank you so much, but we have that covered.  Isn’t the weather lovely today?”  Remember you guys are in charge here and you don’t have to give any details you don’t want to.

As far as the purse thing, either you or your mom can graciously thank her and tell her that you won’t be needing one but you do so appreciate the offer.

Don’t let anyone pressure you into things you don’t want.  The sister of a friend of mine HATES heart decor in weddings.  It was absolutely forbidden.  Well, her MIl is the queen of passive-aggressive and tacky and she knew this.  What did she do?  She bought them the gaudiest dollar store glass heart candle holders for the head table of their wedding and presented them with much fanfare at the shower.

Fortunately, they had a very good friend who was a groomsmen.  He accidently dropped them in the parking lot when they were carrying things into the reception hall.  oops. Wink

Post # 5
Member
11233 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@hermom:  This. I’ve had to be the bad guy a number of times because people want to jump in and help. It’s either been, “Oh, thank you for the suggestion/offer, but we’ve already got that covered/planned/booked” or “I really appreciate you thinking of us, but that’s not really what we had in mind.” Or any combination thereof.

What in the world is a bridal purse?

Post # 6
Member
1844 posts
Buzzing bee

You are most welcome!  You guys are paying so you guys are in charge.

Post # 7
Member
680 posts
Busy bee

It sounds like your mother is the middle person haggling on your behalf so to speak with her friends offering up their services and help. I suggest talking to your mom first and foremost and asking her to please stop acting as your rep. I bet if your mom said something like “they’ve got everything pretty much figured out and planned” these suggestions would stop coming your way. Your mom might be excited about the wedding and maybe in her conversations with friends she is sharing a bit too much about what SHE would like to see for your wedding, which in turn moves her friends to throw in their 2 cents. I’d have a chat with mom and tell her what’s up and then go from there. 

Post # 8
Member
1589 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Posting so I can check this. My friend is a hairdresser and while she does a great job, she’s always running late and I feel like I’d rather just pay someone than stress on the big day.

Post # 9
Member
331 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I could have used this advice months ago. So here is my advice: if you know it is not what you want and is going to add extra stress, say no. ESPECIALLY if there is distance, as it seems there is in your case. Thank them profusely, say you really appreciate it, but you don’t want them to incur the extra cost/complication on your behalf. Say something about the distance and how it would make the process more difficult for THEM. 

I wish I had had the guts to do this in the beginning. But the problem is that then I had no clue what I wanted, so I just said “sure”. Now I am having to accept things that are not really money/time savers and not really what I wanted–and I am not really close with the said family member, but I don’t want to hurt any feelings. Sometimes it is worth a little cash to not stress (because you are not dealing with a professional)/not worry about hurting someone’s feelings. Learn from my mistake : )

Good luck.   

Post # 11
Member
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

It is okay to decline the help and advice of others. I just recently learned this myself.Cool 

Post # 12
Member
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

There’s an easy way to deflect all such offers.  Start with an expression of gratitude.  Thank you for your generosity/thoughtfulneess/kindness.  Next, show appreciation of the offer.  The purse is lovely/your home is beautiful.  Then, hit them with the deflection.  But we’ve already booked X for for the venue.  Finally, push it on someone else.  Future Mother-In-Law just ADORED the bouquet we picked, we couldn’t say no! 

 

So, we have for the bridal purse thing: Mrs. A, thank you so much for you generous offer, the purses you make are just beautiful!  But we’ve already made arrangements for the bouquets that the girls will be carrying – Future Mother-In-Law helped pick them out and she just loves them to pieces. 

Edit: And have a little chat with your mom about not hitting up friends for freebies unless you ask her to first.

 

Post # 13
Member
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

It is okay to decline the help and advice of others. I just recently learned this myself.Cool 

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