(Closed) How to demote a moh without hurting feelings

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 16
Member
5002 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m confused.  You are marrying your maid of honor? 

Otherwise I’m not sure why you are expecting her to give feedback about things in YOUR wedding that don’t pertain to her.  If you are that indecisive then you should be asking the only other person who has a vested interest in your wedding – the person you are actually marrying.  Or hire a wedding planner if you are incapable of making decisions and planning on your own (with your FI).

Your Maid/Matron of Honor is not in any way responsible for helping you plan or make decisions for your wedding.  Neither is any other bridesmaid.  Unless you are paying them a wage and benefits you can’t “demote” them – they are not your employees.  There is no way to be a dick to your friend by telling her you’re taking away the honorary title (not a job title) that’s supposed to honor your friendship because she’s just not doing enough stuff for you and make it seem like you’re actually being a kind and loving friend – because you’re not.  

Reset your expectations, accept that your friend is who she is and your wedding isn’t some magical thing that suddenly makes people who they aren’t, and seek your advice or validation or whatever elsewhere.  

Post # 17
Member
13904 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

You don’t.  If you tell her you no longer want her as your maid of honor, you’re going to hurt her feelings. If you demote her, you’re picking the idea of someone contributing more to your wedding over a good friend.

Out of curiosity, what kind of things is she not responding to?  You said she responed to things about her dress, and getting the dress is really the only obligation that the bridal party has…

Post # 18
Member
5783 posts
Bee Keeper

Unbelievable the number of brides who expect their MOH/BMs to turn into unpaid wedding planner assistants while giving their FIs a free pass to do SFA.

You can’t change MOHs without hurting feelings, the only thing you should be changing is your attitude.

Post # 19
Member
969 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

View original reply
Geekchick42 :  sounds like my sister… who I picked as Maid/Matron of Honor because she’s my sister… after a few months I had to promote my SIL to Maid/Matron of Honor caisee my sister never been in a wedding before and it was too much for her to be Maid/Matron of Honor alone so I made them co-MOHs. No ones feelings werenhurt, both sisters honored. 🙂

Post # 20
Member
61 posts
Worker bee

I have to agree with majority of previous posters . . . when you ask someone to be in your wedding party the only real obligation they have to to wear the dress you pick (or find one within the expectations you have), show up on time and sober. The rest is all just unrealistic expectations that you have on your people. 

I was in my brother’s wedding and I helped plan bachelorette weekend and bridal showers and such but I wanted to. My SIL never expected that we would do that for her. It drives me crazy that you expect all of this stuff done for you just because you asked someone to be in your wedding. They’re standing up beside you, you asked them to be there as a way of honouring your friendship not to do shit for you. 

 

Also if you’ve known her since high school you know who she is. What else could you have expected? Your wedding won’t change her – hell even her wedding likely won’t change her. She is who she is, full stop. 

Post # 21
Member
1974 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Well, she replied to the thing that impacted her. The dress. That’s it. She owes you nothing else but to wear that dress and show up in it. 

Great that the others are “helping” you, but they don’t have to. They want to. 

You demote her, you will hurt her unless she really doesn’t care. 

Post # 22
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

My situation was not quite like yours but more like a Bridesmaid or Best Man committed to something and bailed at the last minute. Putting wedding planning aside, to me it was moreso that she let me down as a friend. I had an open and honest conversation with her and we had our moments but got through it and accepted each other’s apology so we could move forward. IMO, I would not demote her as it could create a negative impact on your friendship. If you’re feeling like she’s not helping or pulling her weight, don’t focus your energy on that because it will bring you down and the whole experience. 

Post # 23
Member
1614 posts
Bumble bee

Your bridal party is really an adult version of your MySpace Top 8 and if you couldn’t demote people back then without hurting their feelings you definitely can’t now. 

Post # 24
Member
539 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Don’t demote her! Just add your sister as your second Maid/Matron of Honor. It’s very popular to have two MOHs. 

Post # 25
Member
185 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

OMG my advice, demote her right away!! Don’t let your feelings linger. That’s what I did. And I wished that I immediately did it instead of waiting. Honestly, in my case, the girl was happy to be relieved of the duties! I could hear the relief in her voice when we talked. (there is so much more that happened in my case after that, and even after the wedding that I won’t get into).

 

I too asked a flaky person without actually thinking about it. Maybe I thought that this one time in my life she would not be flaky. NOPE! Not even her BFF’s wedding would change her!

Post # 26
Member
185 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

 oh wow, I just read all the other commenters (I sometimes don’t read other people’s comments because I want to answer honestly). I can see why others would say not to demote her. You know this girl better than us. In my case, I knew my girl would be relieved. Maybe your girl would be hurt instead. I don’t know. I can only speak for my particular situation.

Post # 27
Member
733 posts
Busy bee

I don’t think I’d demote her unless you are afraid she’s going to cause problems or do something really horrible. Any way you can promote the sister you spoke of and more than one honor attendant? That might work.

Post # 28
Member
17 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2019

View original reply
Geekchick42 :  maybe be honest with her about what your expectations are and asked her what she thinks of that. So there is a compromise. maybe your expectations are not the same regarding Maid/Matron of Honor duties. Clarify then proceed 🙂 hope this helps

Post # 29
Member
651 posts
Busy bee

How soon are you planning on getting married? If it’s a year or so away, I can see why she might not have the same interest or sense of urgency you do. 

If it’s in six months, I still wouldn’t “demote” her (like others pointed out, it’s not an internship or an audition), but I’d lean more heavily on my other friends to help me get stuff done if I was expecting their free labor. 

Post # 30
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Going against the grain a bit here, but I totally get why you want to and think you’d be right to. Perhaps try and outline your expectations of her and say to her is this something she can do or would she prefer to be a regular BM? If she does choose to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man or says she’ll step up but doesn’t and you have to ask her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, I’d maybe give it some time before asking anyone else to be MoH 

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