- 8 years ago
Semi-regular Bee, posting under an anon. account. I’m not sure what I’m posting here – I guess just trying to sort out my plan-of-action. Advice is welcomed. Eating disorderish behavior discussed: enter at your own risk.
I’ve been really slacking in the heath department the last few years and have decided that I’m going to start getting healthy again. I’ve decided I’m going to do it the healthy and safe way this time. I’m just not sure how to approach that.
I’ve always been overweight, but really ballooned out of control in middle school. My home life wasn’t that great at the time and I was really stuggling with my selfesteem. I started calorie counting and weighing myself every morning. Then I started restricting my calories to an unhealthy extent, coupled with frequent bingeing and purging, laxatives, etc. That went on until I graduated highschool. I never sought counseling or anything for these behaviors as I didn’t see anything wrong with them. I was just “dieting.” I was miserable, felt crummy, made myself sick – but I I figured it was worth it and, to be honest, I felt like I deserved it in a “no pain, no gain” sort of way.
Now that I’m about to graduate with my psychology degree, I see them what for they really were. Sometimes I do look back at photos from that time period and wish I could be that thin again. FI’s been terrific with helping me realize certain things and helping me to feel comfortable in my own skin. I don’t feel particular comfortable right now though. And when I think about it, it’s so tempting to just grab a notebook and try and eat as little as possible. And then the next day try and out-do the previous day. And again and again. I think doing that would feel so good – the word I think of is “comforting.” It’s tempting. Because I know if I did that then I could reach my goal weight. When I talk to my Fiance about these things, he gets overly concerned. I don’t think I really have an eating disorder. FI’s a psychology graduate looking for a counseling job and he disagrees. But it’s been years (~3) since I’ve done anything like the behaviors I’ve described. I’ve thought about them. Really considered them. But I know how sick I made myself in highschool. And how upset Fiance would be if he found out I was falling into those patterns again. And, even though I’ve gained so much weight from giving them up, I know that I can’t go back to that. I guess I’m afraid that I am in denial – Fiance certainly thinks so. When we first met I was still doing the behaviors. I hid them from everyone, made excuses because I didn’t want anyone to think I had some sort of problem. I didn’t want them to stop the behaviors. It was impossible to hide them from Fiance, though. And, like I said previously, he has helped me to realize that the way I think about certain things is “wrong.”
Anyway, sorry this is so long. I didn’t really mean to get carried away. I’ve been talking to Fiance about it and while he’s helpful, I don’t feel like I can always been perfectly honest with him. I feel like he jumps on things. Maybe he’s right, but I think he over reacts. Like when I look at inspiration pics on Pinterest, he says I should stop because it’s too similiar to the “Thinspiration” I use to look at on proana sites. I can see his point, but I think there’s a distinction between that and what I’m looking at now.
If you’ve read this ramble this far, thanks! Sorry again .___.
I guess I’m just looking for advice on how I can “saftely” change my eating and exercise habits without falling back into old behaviors. How do I start changing myself? Tips, advice, etc?