(Closed) How to distance myself from MIL?

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
9391 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

When people misbehave, they have to deal with the consequences… she may notice that you are talking to her less, but so what?

Talk to the other SILs if you can, they might have some advice on how to deal with Mother-In-Law when she realizes you’re done with her BS.

Post # 3
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

DWIL.  Where is your DH on all this? You can limit your relationship with her, frankly it doesn’t matter whether she notices a shift in the relationship. 

Edited to add: Shut down direct lines of communication between the two of you. If she shows up to your house unannounced you do not have to let her in.  Draw some boundaries.  She ruined Christmas, don’t see her this upcoming Christmas. Shut down the info train.

Post # 4
Member
991 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

My #1 rule for unannounced guests is don’t answer the door.

My Father-In-Law lives a few blocks from us and when we first moved there, started showing up randomly. I told DH that it was not going to continue and we literally stopped answering the door when he does it. Later just say we weren’t home or we were sleeping. He still does it to my brother in law, who lives 2 hours away..it’s because they let him get away with it. If he thought they wouldn’t let him in, he wouldn’t drive 2 hours with no warning.

As far as talking with her, maybe just start answering every other text, or with one-word answers frequently, or just say you are busy and can’t have a text convo right now.

Post # 6
Member
555 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Lake Louise Canada

Wow I could have written this exact story about my mother. Stop answering the texts. If someone showed up at my house without notice, it wouldnt matter if they flew across the country, I wouldn’t open the door. It will undoubtedly cause an argument, that’s up to your man to handle. But you can’t have a disagreement at all if you just never answer the call.

Post # 8
Member
9391 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

View original reply
xtals :  Ok but like.. does it matter what she thinks?

1) everyone that matters will see right through it.  (e.g. my Mother-In-Law, who is not terrible btw, has a habit of shit talking literally everyone.  When she starts shit talking her friends to us, my inner monologue is like “yeah I’m sure.. ok yeah sure.. yeah I bet that’s how it went down” all dripping with sarcasm)

2) she is super far away, right?  So.. her knitting group who will never meet you will hate you.  Meh, some people hate you, life goes on.

3) you gotta get DH on your side and playing D for you.  His mother is inflicting herself upon you, and it’s his duty to protect you in general (just as it is yours to protect him)–but especially from someone who, if it weren’t for him, wouldn’t be bothering you.  It’s fine if he doesn’t see how she’s treating HIM, but not seeing how she’s treating YOU…nope, he’s gotta get with it.

Post # 9
Member
6394 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
xtals :  DWIL NATION on Babycenter right now!  To help get some better strategies.

Post # 10
Member
9535 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

when i was going through IF treatment, my mother would ask me every time i talked to her if i was pregnant yet.  it drove me crazy.  i told her bluntly many times to stop asking even after explaining the IVF process to her. i stopped talking to her for 6ish weeks because i couldn’t take it.

she was hurt, yes, but she got over it.

stand up for yourself or let DH take the reigns since it is his mother.  but don’t let her bully you.

Post # 11
Member
6414 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
xtals :  Boundaries. Now. And DWIL.

Some boundaries I would put in place would be:

1) No unannounced/unplanned visits. If she turns up unannounced, she is turned away, simple. If she complains, who cares? It is unbelievably rude and inappropriate to do what she is doing, and should not be rewarded.

2) Stop communicating with her directly if possible, and have communication go through your husband instead. If you do not yet feel ready to do this, then start learning how to use grey rock/medium chill (google them).

3) ‘No’ is a complete sentence. Stop bowing to her every wish/want, and start learning to say no. And don’t JADE (justify; argue; defend; explain).

Example:

Mother-In-Law: I’m on my way to see you

You/DH: That won’t work for us

Do not offer reasons or excuses as she will only argue with you, and you do not need to give her a reason. Likewise, never apologise (eg ‘I’m sorry but that won’t work for us’) as you have nothing to be sorry about, so don’t put it out there that you do as that will feed her sense of entitlement

4) United front. Use ‘we’ statements. NEVER let your DH blame you (eg: ‘OP has said that won’t work for us’). This is another reason why it is best for communications to come from him.

Hope This Helps

Post # 12
Member
765 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
xtals :  this is new behavior?

My Mother-In-Law changed a lot over the last few years, trying to make everyone do what she wanted, suddenly telling my husband she didn’t want me as a DIL because I’m not his religion, rumor spreading to me and about me, you name it. Turns out she has dimentia.

I’d do what I could to see about a physical for her, or tell her doctor what’s going on. granted they can’t discuss her with you, but you can tell them about things like behavioral changes just so they are aware of it. Your Mother-In-Law sounds like she’s doing a lot of things My Mother-In-Law started to do.

As for how to keep her from doing this stuff……can’t you just not let her in? I know that sounds harsh, but I had to tell a few relatives of mine that my house wasn’t open for company, and told them to meet me at a local restaurant if they showed up last minute. I used to tell them my parrot got upset around people she didn’t know. Which was true, but now I just tell them my big husky doersn’t like company though he’d probably love the attention and just take a big nap. 🙂 it’s your home and your life, she doens’t have the right to force herself into it.  sometimes you need to worry less about offending people and do what is best for you or else it just goes on forever. hope it gets better!

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