(Closed) how to end it…

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I have been in this situation myself and all I can do is join the majority and say get out with no words, and with a plan for yourself. He doesnt deserve any explaination, the bruises you have are enough.

I only got out once the monster was done using me up…it happens, abusers at times move on to new victims rather quickly (infidelty was also an issue so Im not surprised really). In the end I got lucky-I was alive, to say the VERY least..but emotionally and physically scarred. I pray no other woman experiences what I did at the hands of my ex, but thankfully everyone is aware of the kind of person he really is.

You are in my thoughts, and I hope you are now safe.

 

Post # 48
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

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@ttwo2: Also agreed! Good point. What if her hurts/kills another woman in the future!? At least if he is in the system already for abuse/battery, they can put him away for good if he tries to hurt someone else.

Post # 49
Member
1941 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@Mrs.tobe: and 
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@MrsPinkBONBON: Thanks. He is just a horrible person and if we could take justice in our own hands I could honestly shoot him point blank and never feel an ounce of guilt, yet it would never make up for all the nights I cried myself to sleep because I couldn’t do anything. Buuuuuuut thankfully there are laws against those kinds of things b/c I don’t want to be that person that resorts to voilence, because then I’m really no better than he is. *sigh*

I second/third/fourth/whatever 

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@littlemissmango: There is absolutely NO reason that she needs to “warn him” that she is leaving. NO GOOD WILL COME FROM THAT. It will just amp up his violence. 

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@secretbee123: Please get help. Call the hotline, see a doctor and get any bruises documented and/or photographed, and contact your local PD and make statements.

Post # 50
Member
5104 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’m going to say that the idea of getting police invovled could possibly backfire. It’s not like they’ll keep him in jail forever and the likelihood of him being insanely mad and doing something insanely crazy is very high. I definitely think she needs a plan and to involve her family and friends, just not jump on the “call the cops” wagon before that.

Maybe they can be invovled in the equation down the road.

I might catch flack for this, but it’s JMO.

Post # 51
Member
5104 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

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@WineAndCupcakes: I second the hotline comment and the documentation.

Post # 52
Member
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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@Mrs.tobe: I had this sort of happen to me (socially, not so much with the law)- I told friends who I trusted at the time what happened to me…the word spread and the next thing I know he was contacting me trying to make me retract my statements, as well as trying to push me into contact with him…it lead to a confrontation at our gym where I told him there was no way I would have anything to do with him and to stay away from me. I realized then I had to protect myself- go to an all ladies gym now, and well I think those friends showed their true colours and loyalties…Breaks my heart, but overall, it was the best thing that ever happened to me-Im just glad Im safe.

I think OP, you should talk to Victim Services at your local police station- and also make a statement about whats going on- ultimately, it will protect you legally, should he try to force contact, as well as set up a precedence of events. I also think you need to find one really good friend, who you trust completely and stay with them for a while, and lay low until you have completely disintergrated from his life. I hope you get back to us soon about all this, and that you are well.

Post # 53
Member
5104 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

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@Bellanouva: No, I totally get that, I only meant that the cops shouldn’t be the first call she makes. She needs to get out safely first.

Post # 54
Member
1941 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@Mrs.tobe: No flack, that’s good advice. Cops can’t be by your side 24/7, she needs at least one or two truly great friends that she can absolutely count on.

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@Bellanouva: I’m so sorry your friends turned on you :/ At least you’re okay now though. That’s all that matters.

Post # 55
Member
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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@Mrs.tobe: Yeah, I totally agree, but it does happen (Unfortunately our society hasnt evolved beyond a victim blaming mentality :()

 

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@WineAndCupcakes: Indeed- but you know, it doesnt surprise me..I mean his supposed charm and what not lured me to him…and outwardly? I can see why I didnt even catch on and I like to think Im a somewhat intelligent person.

Post # 56
Member
5104 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

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@Bellanouva: My ex lost his charm with my friends quickly. He tried to woo them at first, but then when they started seeing his true colors it wasn’t long before he was doing everything in his power to isolate me from them and everyone else for that matter. Of course I was young and dumb, and stuck. So I listened, and stayed with him.

Post # 57
Member
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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@Mrs.tobe: Well I met him through established friends, so I could see why he had built this persona so well around him…to them I guess I was the outsider? So why would they trust me, since they knew me for alot less than he? In the end it made me realize what the warning signs for someone like that, as well as made me realize I had to expect more from my friends than I have in the past, and be a better judge of character on that front. Im so grateful I got out of all that.

Post # 58
Member
1941 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@Mrs.tobe: Don’t even say you were young and dumb. It has nothing to do with age nor intelligence. These men are just manipulators, plain and simple.

Post # 59
Member
5104 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

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@WineAndCupcakes: I know it. Some of the emotional scars resurfacing. He put me through three years of hell before I finally got out.

Post # 60
Member
2050 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@secretbee123: The way you leave him is by loving yourself MORE than you love HIM. I was in a very similar abusive situation. I left him, literally running down the street for my life calling 911. (Edit: they picked him up on the street, arresting him for something he’d done to me within that past year, so he was arrested retroactively. He was kept in jail overnight and released the next day on bail. I didn’t know he’d be arrested when I called 911, I just wanted to be taken somewhere safe. It worked to my advantage because I was able to get my things and leave without him there, but looking back I wish it hadn’t ended so dramatically. There are way around that.) If he has threatened your life, you need to love your life more than you love him. You MUST preserve yourself. Just leave. Don’t allow him the opportunity to discuss it with you because it will turn ugly. Leave to a friend’s house, or family member’s house, get your stuff and get the hell out of there. In a shorter time than you think, you will be over him. And also, leave for yourself and yourself alone. This new guy in the picture is a great reminder to you that there are good guys out there, and that is wonderful. But you must leave for yourself first. Feel free to PM me any time. Good luck to you and many blessings!

Post # 61
Member
2116 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I have no advice but I can tell you about my mothers first marriage. She married her first love and he turned into someone who beat her but was so charming that when it wasn’t going on she loved him so much. Then she was scared to leave him. One day it all went to far, he put her head through a wall. She got her boss (my dad, her second husband) to come pick her up and drive her to her uncle’s house in new  jersey (we’re in chicago) and stayed there until things cooled down a little. they got divorced. a few years later he stabbed a woman close to 200 times, killing her (obviously). my mom was so thankful that she got out of the relationship, that could have been her.

 

I’m not saying that your fiance would do this, but sometimes love can be blinding and things might be more out of control than you realize. I wish you so much luck and hope you can find the strength to get out of it.

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