(Closed) how to end it…

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 92
Member
3306 posts
Sugar bee

Do you love your life more than you love him? If not, stay and let him continue to hurt you. If you do, then leave.

Post # 93
Member
767 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

We are all collectively thinking and hoping and praying for you right now.  The same thing happened to a close relative of mine.  At first there were insults, pushing, etc.  Then it became punches and then he tried to kill her.  The story of her survival makes me feel sick; her husband was found with tarp, bleach, knives, a saw and garbage bags in his trunk.

This was the man who stood in front of us and pledged his love for her at their wedding and two years later he was hunting her like prey.  He had EVERYONE fooled and was the most charming man we had ever met.

Love doesn’t hurt like this, love doesn’t punch, demean or control.  My relative didn’t go to the police either as her husband worked in law enforcement but a doctor took pictures of her injuries at two separate incidents and that testimony along with the attempted murder was enough to convict him.

I think you should involve law enforcement, however, this is your personal choice, keep in mind, if he hurts you again, please keep a journal and take pictures.  Although I hope he never has a chance to hurt you again.

You need to speak to family or loved ones and get the word out that this is happening and like many other bees have said, please have an action plan – collect your SSI, identification, bank information and get out.

We are all thinking of you.

Post # 94
Member
2319 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

So where is secretbee?????

Post # 95
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@secretbee123: I think that great advice has been given on this thread. And I completely agree. Please, get out of the situation. For your safety. There is someone out there who will love you. And you will find that person. I promise. I just wanted to comment to say that your situation breaks my heart, and I wanted you to know I was thinking about you. My deepest sympathies and good luck to you dear.

Post # 96
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

SECRETBEE123-PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE leave! I can asure you that there is someone else better out there for you! I was in a terribly abusive relationship before & I can tell you from experience I know how scary it can be in all aspects….but you have to get out!! I never thought that I would find someone else I thought that was it for me too….but I fell in love with one of my best friends & we’re in a healthy relationship! You deserve to be happy! Please PM me if you need ANY help! My prayers are with you!

Post # 98
Member
418 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’m so sorry you are going through this.  In the domestic violence training course I took before volunteering at the women’s shelter, we discussed that there is often a cycle of violence that occurs: tension builds, an abusive incident occurs, then some people experience what we called “the honeymoon phase” where suddenly your partner goes above and beyond to make it up, then there is just down time until tension builds again.

That is not to say that all abusive relationships follow this cycle, but it can be SO very confusing when suddenly the abuser is so sweet and acts like nothing has happened. Other bees have given you very good advice already, but you absolutely need to get yourself out of the situation. Unfortunately, violence only escalates and it’s possible that each incident could get more violent and more dangerous until you stop the cycle.

Try NOT to leave while he is present or make sure to have people around you, as this time can be most dangerous, especially as abusers realize they are losing the control they have over you. Just get yourself out and somewhere that you feel safe. If anything happens after you leave and you report the incident, you may be able to file a protection from abuse order (similar to a restraining order). You could also call your local shelter just to get info – they go through a ton of training and could answer your questions and give you more access to resources.

We use the power & control wheel a lot to help women recognize types of domestic abuse and although this stuff seems so obvious, I think it gives some validation to the ways many feel controlled by their partners and abusers:

 

Post # 99
Member
2319 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@secretbee123: Good to finally hear back from ya! We were worried! Please keep us posted!!!!! We are praying for your safety!

Post # 100
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Oh honey, please leave for your safety. This is very serious abuse – please get help, tell someone, and get out. Best of luck and lots of prayers.

Post # 101
Member
363 posts
Helper bee

I really don’t want to hurt your feelings by saying this…. I am writing with the best of intentions….but having been there myself (in my earlier twenties), I can tell you that this relationship *will* end at some point or another.  You can do it now, or it will happen later, but it will happen.

On a more positive note, a relationship where arguments don’t escalate to screaming and physical harm, ARE POSSIBLE. 

After my abusive relationship ended about 6-7 years ago (I’m 33 today), I went in serious therapy/counselling and worked on myself.  A few years ago I met a very nice man, with a kind heart, we’ve been together for over 2 years (living together for 8 months) and arguments never escalate.

You have a choice. This is *your* life and you should live it the way you want it.

Best of luck.  

Post # 102
Member
1192 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Agreed completely with @clairDarling, I went through almost the exact same thing and he will try anything to make you stay but he wont change. Like another Bee mentioned what they like to do is seperate you from your family and friends so they can control you, that is what my ex did to me. You need to be strong like I was finally ( not easy ) and give him his ring back and get out. I found the love of my life who would never ever lay a finger on me let alone yell at me after I left my ex. You will too.  Be strong hun…

Post # 103
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

I hope you’re still ok. Please, PLEASE get out. I have learned so much about domestic violence these last couple years–FI had a friend who wrote a screenplay they’ve produced centering around it–and it’s incredibly scary.

The truly sad thing is, the movie was written because FI’s friend worked in a woman’s shelter. She helped a woman get out, and the woman was starting to get back on her feet and, in a moment of weakness, she went back to him. He killed her and her two children.

I know we all grow up hearing that love will conquer all. But love won’t (and cannot) conquer this. It isn’t the responsible thing to do to stay with him. DO NOT EVER underestimate what a man like this is capable of.

Get your things together, go far away, and never look back. If you do this, I promise in five years, you will be sadder about the time you wasted on him than you will about losing him.

Post # 104
Member
1577 posts
Bumble bee

I am glad that you are deciding to leave, it will be the best decision for you in the long run! But, like other respondants have said, this is a very dangerous situation. Statistics will tell you that violent men are very highly likely to get violent when their girlfriend/fiancee/wife leaves, so you need to have a detailed exit plan, and lots of support. Even if you choose not to get the police involved, you need to make sure you have protection incase he comes after you.

Good luck and be strong!

Post # 105
Member
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Be strong, and Love yourself first. Everytime you feel like he’ll change don’t let yourself forget what he has done to you.  Get angry and defend yourself.  Someone who loves you would never hurt you like that.  Take pictures of the aftermath and look at them everytime you think of forgiving him. It’ll be hard, but you need to love yourself more than him and do what you need to to be safe.

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