Post # 1
Member
519 posts
Busy bee
… general tips and advice, anyone?
And, in particular, how do you/did you enjoy the day *without* lots of smiling, happy people around you? I don’t have a Maid/Matron of Honor or bridesmaids, my mother is completely incapable of being stress-free on important days, and my Future Mother-In-Law is crazy. Every time I try to imagine just waking up excited and enjoying such a special day, all I feel is depressed and extremely stressed. My mother keeps telling me, “well, you didn’t HAVE to do all of this yourself, so all the stress is your own fault.” Really? Who else was going to do all the research, planning, calling, meeting? Nobody offered, so I did it. All of it.
Can you tell the wedding is in 5 days? How do I pull through this without looking back and just… hating the whole thing? Please, help.
Post # 3
Member
1314 posts
Bumble bee
You ignore everyone else and focus on the fact that you just married the love of your life. 🙂 It’s damn near impossible not to be happy once that happens!
I was surrounded by a lot of negative, slightly crazy family members all telling me my wedding was all wrong, I should have done this, why aren’t we doing that, etc. On the day of, I just ignored them and focused on my husband and me. Selfish, maybe…but I did what I had to do to keep from strangling people. Happiest day of my life so far!
Post # 4
Member
1835 posts
Buzzing bee
Focus on what the day is about, not all the craziness and tiny details. This day is about you and your Fiance making a pledge to commit to one another for the rest of your lives. That is HUGE! and it should be your focus. Keep your thoughts on him, and I guarantee you’ll stay happy 🙂
Post # 5
Member
519 posts
Busy bee
How do you ladies just ignore it all? Someone from either my family or his has disrupted — intentionally or not — every important event we’ve attended so far. How do I focus on my soon-to-be-husband when I’m the one directing the vendors, checking the time, and trying not to encourage a screaming family member?
Sorry, I guess I’m a little distraught at the moment. Everyone is blaming ME for feeling stressed because I “brought it on myself” by doing all the planning. I think I’m just hurt that not a single person will say “I’ll take care of it, it’s your job to enjoy your wedding.”
Post # 6
Member
5092 posts
Bee Keeper
@BostonBaby: I know you’re only 5 days out, but I’d get a DOC ASAP!
Post # 7
Member
4005 posts
Honey bee
I’m so sorry you’re going through this! If it helps at all, my day, I was a ball of stress b/c of my mother. Try to take it a little at a time, and remember that the end result is that you’ll be married to the love of your life! Are you going on a honeymoon right after you’re married? If so, it will be the best vacation you’ll ever have :o)
Post # 8
Member
1314 posts
Bumble bee
@BostonBaby: If a last minute coordinator isn’t possible like PP suggested, is there any trusted friend/family member that IS a positive person that you can trust with these responsibilities? It’s your wedding day, people will listen to the bride if she wants to delegate stuff.
As for how I ignored my negative family? I literally kicked them out of the room I was getting ready in. I shut the doors, told my DOC to not allow them in, and spent the afternoon in peace before the ceremony with positive, happy people. Again, probably selfish, but my mental health and happiness took priority over baby sitting immature family members on my wedding day.
Post # 9
Member
519 posts
Busy bee
I don’t think I’ll get an outside coordinator in time, and I can’t think of one person who would have even a remote chance of getting everything together.
As an example of my morning, here’s an excerpt from an e-mail I JUST received from my mother:
“We have so much going on here besides the wedding. i know i sound testy. i am just sick. my voice is going and i coughed all night.
…but don t you dare complain about how tired and stressed you are. you are unemployed and have chosen to take all of this upon yourself. Dad and I would gladly have contributed more than just the money. as a matter of fact it would have been nice to have more participation in the wedding. But you are headstrong and refused any parents input. naturally in these last days we are not as happy as we would like to be. And you have become hyper sensitive. I cannot even ask you a question without you rearing up and hacking me to pieces. Sorry but I am upset with you. You are not treating me with respect and I will not be quiet while you berate me. i have tried very hard to make this YOUR wedding. but now I am having second thoughts. I have created a monster…we need to take her. “
That’s from my *mother*? How am I even supposed to repond?!
Post # 10
Member
2315 posts
Buzzing bee
O hun. Wow. Just ignore it if you can. Not the right email for anyone to send to a bride days before her wedding. Please ignore it. It sounds like she is trying to take something away from you on your day and make it about her. Maybe she COULD have helped earlier in the planning (but I trust you know best) however what’s done is done and you have days before one of the best days of your life – and her role should be as supporter.
If she isn’t helping at all and these are the responses you are getting from her, please don’t engage. Focus the time that you do have on getting your check lists completed and vendors called. On your day, remember things WILL go wrong and that’s ok! You’ll still be marrying your best friend.
Post # 12
Member
798 posts
Busy bee
@BostonBaby: Yowzah. That’s a pretty awful email to receive at any time…not to mentioned 5 days before W Day. I’m sorry.
I think that the way to deal with this is to ignore it. Don’t respond. If it weren’t 5 days before your wedding, I’d probably advocate talking to your mom, but at this point, it is just going to cause you extra stress.
I third the DOC (either a friend or a professional) idea. I bet you could still find someone who wants to earn some extra cash.
If you can’t do this, then the best thing to do is to plan as much as you can now and then, the day before (or two) do nothing but what is relaxing and low stress. The only way to deal with this kind of crap (and the kind of peeps you are describing) is to let it go. Realise that only you can control your reaction to the things that they do.
Most of us here had things go wrong at our weddings (either THINGS or people) and the truth is, the only way you’re going to have a good time and enjoy yourself is if you make having a good time and enjoying yourself your focus. Do what you need to do to this (while being polite).
I’m not good at ignoring people either, but I did my best to make a conscious decision to make the priority myself and my husband on the day of. That’s really how you ignore people being crazy, not following through, etc.
If you want to address your mom (or parents) regarding the email, do so after the wedding.
For right now: I’m a fan of a midmorning glass of wine. 🙂
Post # 13
Member
519 posts
Busy bee
Thanks to all for at least confirming that I’m not crazy, and that I shouldn’t respond — I don’t plan to.
I wish she had at least waited until after the wedding/honeymoon to berate me for everything, but maybe that would have been just as bad. I’m trying to do other last-minute wedding things without thinking about it all, but it’s not going too well. My best hope is to keep trudging forward, and hope to hell I can at least pretend to be happy.
My mother and I are supposed to spend 5+ hours together on Friday getting our nails & hair done. I was so looking forward to just relaxing, but clearly that isn’t going to happen. Maybe things will end up ok, but I’m not much of an optimist even on the best of days — which this certainly isn’t.
Post # 14
Member
3968 posts
Honey bee
Please, please, please get someone to help you. There should be one thing for you to ‘do’ on the wedding day other than to get ready and get married.
I can understand how you are feeling with people telling you that you did this (the stress) to yourself by not allowing others to help. I had people tell me that – but, the bottom line is – it’s how it all ended up.
I also dealt with a TON of family crazy – so I understand trying to figure out how to let it all go.
Here’s the thing – you have to figure out someone (or multiple) people who can coordinate for you. Who are your various vendors? My DJ offered to coordinate timing with the vendors. I had a coordinator at my venue who kind of acted as that person for me. You can give timelines and instructions to people – but you should not put that on yourself. Don’t expect someone to step up and ask to do that – you needd to be proactive and ask them.
Once you can figure out who is going to handle things on the day of – you relax and allow things to happen as they will. Things will go wrong, things may or may not be done as you thought they should, but at the end of the day, you will be married to your Fiance. That’s what you need to focus on. Nothing else matters.
