(Closed) How to explain brother not being invited to wedding.

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
9782 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

futuremrschristensen:  I think that’s wayyyy too personal to share with everyone. Theyll know the relationship is awry, you don’t need to explain. 


“Oh where is your brother?”

“he won’t be coming. We’re so glad you’re here though, isn’t the weather just lovely!?”

and if they are clueless and push it, just end the convo:

“but I don’t get why he’s not here”

“it’s a shame, isn’t it? Excuse me I have to say hello to aunty x, have fun!!”


Post # 3
1221 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I wouldn’t explain any more than “He won’t be joining us” or “He’a not able to make it.” Don’t go into detail on him being hurtful because that will just lead to more questions about what he did and then a whole ‘nother can of worms is open.

Post # 4
758 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Our Backyard/Steakhouse

MrsBuesleBee:  welcome to the bean dip!

futuremrschristensen:  It’s no one’s business why he’s not there.  If they ask, it’s simple – he isn’t coming.  Have you tried the bean dip?  You’ve answered there question and moved on to something else.  Hopefully they will get the hint that it’s not up for discussion and as MrsBuesleBee has indicated, just keep bean dipping!

Post # 5
1507 posts
Bumble bee

Do not give anyone an explanation. If someone asks, deflect, deflect, deflect. “Not able to make it. What do you think of the dj? I love this song!”. If they really push for info – nosy aunts and te like- just say something like “It’s complicated. Let’s focus on tonight! Want to grab a drink?”

Post # 6
3025 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

I really hope that in a year your brother may have moved past this. I just posted in the other thread and I think you should invite him. When the time comes he may not attend, but that’s on him.

Post # 7
375 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Saying, “He isn’t coming,” makes it sound like he, personally, chose not to come. Even if he should not be invited because of egregious behavior, that is unfair to him. I’ve seen people get angry at others for “not going to So-and-so’s wedding,” when that option was never even available, and the invited family dishonestly pretended the uninvited guests just didn’t care enough to show up. Some of the guests were offended on behalf of the bride and took it on themselves to punish/shun the guests who didn’t “show up.” This dishonesty then caused another round of hurt and angry feelings because of the lying and unfair blaming. If they had just said, “We didn’t invite xyz, please mind your own business as to why,” it would have caused fewer problems down the road. It’s easier to forgive someone for not inviting you to something in the midst of a family quarrel than it is to forgive dishonesty and unfair blame that trickles out years later. 

 I say invite him and then see if he bothers showing up; in that case, it’s his own fault. Maybe by your wedding, you and he will both be over whatever led him to reject you from his 1 year-old’s birthday party. To inquiring guests, I would say, “Please just focus on the guests who are here.” If you don’t want to hear about it on the wedding day, then maybe a heads up to the more oblivious relatives (who might decide to make your wedding about your brother) is a smart idea as in, “Bride isn’t inviting Bro; please don’t mention it at the wedding or bother either of them about it.” There’s no way you’ll be seen as a wonderful person for not inviting your brother to your wedding, so either deal with it now, deal with it later in a much nastier way, or just go ahead and mail that invitation. If your wedding party is big enough, you won’t even have to interact with him much.

Post # 8
1654 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I would just say “He couldn’t be a part of the celebration today.” and leave it at that. 

Post # 9
2783 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Well considering it’s a year away and you will (hopefully) change your mind and invite him anyway, I wouldn’t worry too much about it, but…

I also wouldn’t involve your parents by having them “warn” people. That’s not their job. If you make the decision not to invite him, then own your choice. I also agree with PP that it isn’t fair to make it seem that he was invited and chose not to attend.  You don’t need to rehash everything to everyone, but just simply say he wasn’t invited.

Post # 10
554 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Honestly, it’s none of their business if your brother isn’t attending.  That’s between you and him. I would just say he will not be coming and leave it at that.  I had the exact same thing and did not invite my brother to my wedding due to his behavior (and that of his wife) resulting from the actions of their wedding and afterwards.

My in-laws have pressed me more than a few times as to why he was not invited and I’m not about to explain it to them.  I just say he will not be coming, in a firm voice, and leave it at that.  

Post # 11
2445 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I agree with the PPs. I also hope that your extended family has enough tact to not ask YOU personally on your wedding day, and perhaps just ask amongst other family.

Post # 12
1229 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

You’re getting married July 2015.  See how things go with your brother and worry about this issue next May.  

Post # 13
6005 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

futuremrschristensen:  Maybe it would just be easier to invite him. You’ll be too busy to even notice him anyhow.

Post # 14
1246 posts
Bumble bee

canadajane:  I agree, take some time and see… my EX’s brother wasn’t invited to the wedding (not our choice) and no one mentioned it… not to us anyway. So maybe they might ask someone else to get the details but I doubt anyone would ask the bride on her special day!

Post # 15
7647 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

Unless you really want to explain all the drama between you and youyr brother and his wife, I would stay away from mentioning it beforehand. It isn’t anybody else’s business what has happened. Hopefully you both will come to a resolution before then, but if not, I like MrsBuesleBee’s suggestion.

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