(Closed) How to explain not living together?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
227 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I think the only reason she needs, and he should be able to accept, is that she is uncomfortable with the idea and she doesn’t want to move in with him until they are engaged. And that she isn’t saying that to rush an engagement, she just feels it is the best way for her to proceed in relationships. And she should definitely not buy a home with him before an engagement (at least). 

Post # 4
Member
2131 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

If living with someone before engagement/marriage is against her belief system at this point in her life, that is a good enough reason. In a relationship you don’t have to agree with everything the other person does but you should respect their choices…if their choices are deal breakers them move on, but if their choices are something you can deal with then compromise.

Post # 5
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

If his big explanation for not getting engaged is “I’m not ready yet but will be” her explanation can be “I’m not ready until you make that committment” Nothing more is needed than what is true for her.

Post # 6
Member
5883 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I would say there are two reasons not to move in together. Research has shown that couples that move in together before engage or married have a higher divorce rate. (There is some conflicting research that says if it’s your first time moving in with a guy, the divorce rate is the same as people not moving in together, but thats not the case here)

The other is a more emotional reason. I would have her share her previous mistakes and how that made her feel. “I moved in with guys before the commitment was formalized. It put me in akward position of thinking I knew the direction the relationship was taking, but it turned out I was wrong. It made me feel ___________. So I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t move in with someone until I was married (or engaged and planning the wedding). I know that is confusing for you since you know you want to be with me for forever, but arent ready to make that comitmment formal. I totally support you in knowing that you arent ready to take the next step right now. Please support me in knowing that I dont want to live with anyone until i get married/engaged. I know logically it might not make sense, but can you support my emotional need? Until things are legal, I dont have any guarantees from you. So emotionally, I need to keep living my life and making decisions that are right for me (just like you are making decisions that are right for you). Once we are ready to take the next step, I will be happy to make decisions that are right for US. “

Post # 7
Member
9578 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

I think she can just tell him the truth with this.  That she lived with ex-boyfriends in the past and it didn’t work out and moving out was a painful process and she doesn’t want to go down that road again…she only wants to move in with her future husband.  She promised herself she wouldn’t live with anyone else until she was engaged.  Why can’t she tell him the truth??

Post # 8
Member
652 posts
Busy bee

@givemecouture:  he needs to know her history how how her past has screwed her. He needs to know that she is playing it safe. Of course he would say “oh you don’t trust me?” Then she can say “a thoughtful partner will understand and be willing to wait” 

Post # 11
Member
1607 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@givemecouture:  I can’t be married in the same church that I attend *as a member* because we lived together.

I would never do it again. There are so many reasons to save it for marriage. Trying to explain to people who think otherwise is difficult and most of the time not worth the arguments.

I don’t agree with the whole ‘you should get to know a person before you marry them.’ I think you have the rest of your life.

One example I use is how arranged marriages worked for so long. No, you may not have liked certain things about the guy to start with but you did end up finding other things you loved and using those to help you build a bond and stay together. I don’t believe in arranged marraiages – I just think they are proof against the whole ‘you have to know if he has any habits that drive you crazy’ argument. 

Post # 12
Member
5883 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@givemecouture:  Here are some articles. Her SO might use the argument that he does want to marry her down the road, so the stats dont effect him. I would counter with “I dont want to accidently get trapped by “cohabitation lock-in”. It makes me feel good that you see us getting married. But I dont want us to just slide into marriage because it is easier than moving out. I want marriage to be a conscious decision because we really want to be spend the rest of our lives together.”

Post # 14
Member
905 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

Frankly, if this man really loves her he’ll accept that she has made this decision for herself and that he’s welcome to move on his own timeline when it comes to engagement. She sounds like she has a solid head on her shoulders and shouldn’t have to justify not moving in with him with anything more than a “because this is what I want.” At worst, she can reiterate her need for commitment before living together AND her willingness to be patient about an engagement. 

 

However, I don’t think she needs to throw those divorce statistics at him, as they are skewed with lots of things like religion and age. After all, if a couple won’t cohabitate because they’re super Christian, they will likely avoid divorce for the same reason–not that they necessarily want to remain together. Statistics can be twisted to prove anything. Seriously.

Fiance and I talked marriage for over a year before moving in together and he didn’t propose until about 2 years after we moved in together. Different strokes for different folks. We didn’t fall into some trap–we were waiting to get officially engaged until our lives made it convenient to host a big ‘ol party. 

Post # 15
Member
2224 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

If he says he wants to be with her forever, why isnt he ready for engagement and marriage? This isn’t adding up. Tell your friend to stick to her guns. True colors may be in the process of being revealed.

Post # 16
Member
11234 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@bearlove:  Agreed. If he sees them being together forever, he needs to respect her decision to not move in with him until he’s ready to be engaged.

However.

I disagree that couples who live together before marriage are more likely to divorce–I would say that they are more likely to break up before marriage (not sure if there are any stats on that). And the argument that arranged marriages “work” is invalid in Western society. In societies where arranged marriages are common, there is NO divorce. You are promised to X, and you will stay with X until you die. There is no other option, and that would throw off the stats. 

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