(Closed) How to explain not living together?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I live with my fiance, and did for years before we got engaged.  I would never, ever, ever marry someone that I hadn’t lived with.  However, we’re waiting to buy a house after we get married.  We talked about buying the house first and wedding second, and I decided that I wasn’t ok with that.  If I’m going to sign away my financial soul, I want some kind of legal protection.  With housing prices and mortgage rates where they are, I can guarantee you that we’ll end up paying more long term because I put my foot down on that.  I don’t care, it’s worth the $.  Both sides of our family think we’re somewhat insane for waiting, but that’s their problem, not ours.  And really, that’s the way to look at it.  It’s her choice, and if he can’t respect that, he knows where the door is.

Post # 18
Member
1059 posts
Bumble bee

@MariContrary:  +1 – you sound like me!

I also hate moving and packing and will not move in with anyone unless it’s for forever because I really don’t want to be moving and dividing possessions (you owe me for half the couch) and such!

Post # 19
Member
3246 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@KoiKove:  I think this is an excellent explanation.

Post # 20
Member
4575 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I think explaning exactly how she feels about and the fact that she already had bad experiences, should be reason enough.  If this person that she is with respects and understand that then he will just let it happen her way until he eventually is ready to propose. 

Post # 21
Member
3356 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@vorpalette:  in addition to the no divorce, it is usually the family that made the match, and though there is a choice for the individual to say yes or no to marrying the other person, once married, the family’s HONOR is at stake, and this is also a factor as to why they “work”.

Post # 22
Member
13095 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

@MrsWe:  “If living with someone before engagement/marriage is against her belief system at this point in her life, that is a good enough reason.”

 

Agreed.  If this guy isn’t willing to accept that and respect it (just like she is respecting the fact that he isn’t ready to be engaged yet even if he sees them getting married one day), then maybe she is learning some important information about this guy and how he views partnerships.

Post # 23
Member
1602 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@vorpalette:  I wasn’t using the arranged marriage thing for anything other than to prove illustrate my theory that two people can make it work just fine without living together beforehand.

I took a long time to move in with my Fiance and my friends gave me hard time about it. They often said things like, ‘how will you guys learn to settle arguments’ ‘how will you know what he does that annoys you / and if you’ll be able to live with it’ ‘how will you know….blah blah blah’

People in arranged marriages didn’t know these things and still fell in love. Didn’t mean so much in modern times (eastern countries) but moreso in centuries past. It’s probably a silly illustration anyways…I just don’t believe that you HAVE to have those things figured out before you get married and things will still still turn out just fine. But this is also just my opinion 🙂

Post # 24
Member
237 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@givemecouture: I agree with most of the ladies. If it is her belief that somehow moving in together will jinx the relationship in some way or how, then he should respect that.

It doesn’t necessarily mean she doesn’t want to be with him, or that she can’t handle living together. It’s just a belief, and it’s not an uncommon belief to have. My Fiance and I are no different. He wanted me to move in with him a couple of months into our relationship, but due to my beliefs (and some health problems that needed insurance), it wasn’t possible. And even though he didn’t completely understand it, he left it alone, and we have found how we would deal with conflicts or situations in different ways.

 

Post # 25
Member
11231 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@suburbian: That’s the thing, though–arranged marriages are not synonymous with falling in love with someone. You are matched to another person and you will be married to that person for the rest of your life. You have no choice in the matter.

Post # 26
Member
9951 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Living Together or Not is a personal decision

Same as saving oneself for marriage or Not.

There is no right or wrong in the matter… these are just CHOICES people make as they see fit

(So I don’t buy in to the gals here who are posting stats… those stats are skewed to present the PROS or CONS to one side of that argument FOR or AGAINST by whomever)

Therefore I agree with 100% with the Bees who have said here…

IT IS HER LIFE CHOICE… and SHE can make it.  She isn’t ready to live with someone.  And he isn’t ready to get engaged. Period.

I think that Mrs.KMM:  with Reply # 21 put it best.

 

Post # 27
Member
1602 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@vorpalette:  Right I agree with that. I also think that staying with someone for your entire life is not all about ‘love’ either. Or at least love like the glittery, magical love that caused 2 people to make the original choice/promise.

I honestly don’t think two people in an arranged marriage are able to make it through their whole lives without suicide/homicide/divorce/etc… if there wasn’t ‘something’ that evolved from the act of living together alone.

Maybe it was a stretch to use that example so I will stop there with it because I don’t think I am explaining myself properly. I have a lot of background knowledge about it because the topics (arranged marriages in respect to love and living together before marriage) interested me and I researched it exhaustively to come up with these conclusions – including all of that research in this would be a little overwhelming I think.

I could state that even couples of generations past did not live together and they made it their whole lives without issue. Maybe that works as a better illustration of what I am trying to say. Just loooking at a common set of Grandparents. Most of the time, they didn’t live together till after marriage – they didn’t ‘get to know each other’s annoying habits’ or ‘if the sex is good’ – and they still ended up staying together for a lifetime. 

I was merely trying to point out that all the reasons people give for why you *should* live together aren’t really valid when you consider these long-term relationship examples. I am sure they have their merit and I don’t personally believe it directly leads to divorce but I had to deal with OP’s friend’s situation so I feel her pain when people get judgemental about that specific (commonly unpopular) lifestyle choice.

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