(Closed) How to field the "name change" subject

posted 6 years ago in Names
Post # 3
Member
705 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I told my Fiance up front (WAAY before our engagement) that i intened to keep my last name, it still was what felt like war fare after the engagement when we talked about it… and i think he still secretly hopes that i will cave, but culturally it is not common for name changes for me, and it is something i hold dear. We had discussed both hyphenating our names, but he backed out of that… i would suggest treading lightly, for some guys it is a def. deal breaker due to nothing more than pride.

Post # 5
Member
6355 posts
Bee Keeper

My Fiance is taking my name and we discussed it casually for years. I can’t tell you how offended I would be if my Fiance reacted like yours did. Like, dealbreaker offended.

Post # 7
Member
1444 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

In my husband’s culture, women keep their name after marriage.  This is my second marriage and I decided to hyphenate.  It’s a real pain to change one’s name.  Also, I still have a difficult time saying my new name, in that I still think of myself as having my old name.  I almost wish I’d just kept it and not done anything.

Post # 8
Member
886 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Darling Husband was very sore about it initially, but he mostly got over it. I had what I thought were very good reasons, both professional and otherwise, for not changing my name. And even he himself goes by another family name professionally.

I say if he won’t marry you because of your name, then there were far deeper issues in the relationship, making you far better off remaining unmarried.

Post # 9
Member
9117 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

My husband told me he would have been hurt and insulted if I didn’t take his name. Chances are, he wouldn’t have proposed if I had been seriously thinking about keeping my name.

Post # 10
Member
3785 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

When I first told Fiance (before we were engaged) that I was keeping my name he was extremely uspet. Did not go for the idea AT ALL. We had several conversations about it which included me telling him reasons that I wanted to keep my own name, and me reassuring him that it was nothing personal against him. He slowly started to come around, and is now totally fine with it! He thinks it’s silly that he made such a big deal out of it. It was important to me to tell him early though, and to be firm and say that my mind was made up. I would keep talking about it, little by little. Make sure you give him reasons, and just take it slow. Hopefully he will come around!

Post # 11
Member
4336 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

umm… you need to talk about it now. If he expects you to change it, and you surprise him after the wedding that you aren’t going to, then… there are going to be some problems… 

And if for him that is a game-changer? Then so be it. I think it is better for that to be in the air now than to surprise him.

Post # 12
Member
9916 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Hyperventilate:  I think the same for me.  But I have serious issues taking his name.  Like…I don’t want to be a MRS.  It seems so…1950s to me.  

 

So I am going to change it officially, and then never respond to Mrs. His Last Name, and use Ms. My Original Last Name at work.  

Post # 13
Member
1621 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Lily_of_the_valley:  Wowzers.  I kept my name.  To be honest, there was never even a real discussion about it, he sort of knew how I felt and we did broach the subject briefly and I said if he was REALLY concerned then I would consider hyphenating.  He said it was my choice, so I chose to keep my name.  If someone calls me Mrs. X socially then fine, I wouldn’t correct them but that’s the extent of it.

Honestly, I don’t think you can take his knee-jerk reaction as the whole story just yet.  But it does warrent further serious conversation.  In all seriousness, if a man said to me, “Take my name or I won’t marry you”, I’d say, “Good thing you haven’t asked then, isn’t it since my answer would be NO!”  That kind of ultimatum wouldn’t sit well with me, not in these modern days.  I get the arguements for taking and not taking a husband’s name and think it’s mostly a woman’s decision with partner input as well but as a secondary consideration.

Post # 14
Member
9117 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

@peachacid:  I can understand why people don’t want to take their last name. I do not go by Mrs. <lastname>, everyone (Even the people on base) just call me Miss <lastname> or <Husband’s name>’s wife.

Changing my name formally wasn’t a big deal. Social Security took less than 30 minutes, I had my new card in four days. Changing my bank just took a trip down to the bank and I had my card two days later. I am not changing my license yet because I have a full fledged military ID with my new name on it for identification purposes. I will wait for my license to expire before I renew it, plus I need to apply for an Oklahoma license as mine is California. I do not have any “formal titles” that would’ve needed to be changed, so I know that is a factor for a lot of people, along with professional degrees and titles.

But, to each their own. As long as both people are okay with the idea, I don’t really see the harm in it. I originally wanted to hyphenate my last name, but my husband’s name is very long and it wouldn’t have flowed well.

I just opted to take his. It was easier, and it was pretty much the only demand he had — I can respect that.

Post # 15
Member
9916 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Hyperventilate:  I will officially change my name, but I just…feel weird about being called Mrs ANYTHING.  Part of the reason for this, though, is that as a teacher I am Ms. Acid.  Like, that’s my NAME.  So it’s almost like getting married would be like changing my FIRST name.  

But yeah, it’s like his only demand as well, so I’m okay with changing it officially.  Meh.  I’m not 100% okay with it, but I’m willing.  

Post # 16
Member
433 posts
Helper bee

@cdncinnamongirl:  

 “Take my name or I won’t marry you”, I’d say, “Good thing you haven’t asked then, isn’t it since my answer would be NO!”  

That’s exactly it!  I would never marry a guy with such a sexist attitude.  It honestly enrages me that there are still men out there like this.  It’s one thing for a guy to ask you nicely to take his name, but it’s a whole different story if he says he’d leave you if you didn’t.  That’s so fucked up.

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