Post # 1
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
Hello all! I am hoping for some advice and guidance, it would be much appreciated!
I am 29 and my five year relationship ended in the summer. It was an ugly ending where he cheated on me. After dealing with a lot of the pain, I am trying to get back into the dating world (albeit with my confidence a little shaken). I’d always hoped to one day get married and have kids, and as I’ll be 30 this year I am a little worried if it’s in the cards for me. With my ex, it was about a year into our relationship before I realized that he was not really marriage-minded. At that point, I took the risk of waiting to see if he’d change his mind with time.
I’ve signed up for match.com and so far I haven’t really had too much success, but I have had a few dates and am just wondering about something going forward, in case I do meet someone (whether on line or in person). My question is: how do you find out fairly quickly if a guy would ultimately like to get married, without freaking him out and making him think ALL you care about is getting married (I get the impression a lot of guys have this reaction if you ask them. Or they say they want to get married one day when in reality they don’t). I don’t want to make the same mistake as I did with my ex where I waste time with someone who doesn’t have the same long term goals as me. Any advice or stories of how you went about figuring this out?
Thank you so much!
Post # 2
Member
1262 posts
Bumble bee
I advise being clear and communicative from the very beginning. Talk about where you are in your lives and what you’re both looking for. Be clear that you are interested in dating for the purpose of figuring out whether you’re compatible for marriage, and see if your goals and timelines align. Own it. Best of luck.
Post # 3
Member
1366 posts
Bumble bee
pam2121: Dating through Match has it’s advantages. You can usually tell from someone’s profile if they are looking for something serious. I’d also venture a guess that any man on a dating website looking for a serious relationship is marriage minded. Don’t over think it. When you meet the right guy, that conversation usually happens pretty naturally.
Post # 4
Member
1838 posts
Buzzing bee
Get to know him? I’m not sure that you can figure out “fairly quickly” whether or not some people want to marry — because they might not know that’s what they want until they’ve met the right person.
I have a work acquaintance that I met thirteen years ago when we were both 32. She wanted to get married more than anything. She went on a lot of dates with guys from online dating sites and she would brag about how “up front” she was about wanting marriage and a family. She said she had to know from the get-go that they were marriage-minded, or she wasn’t interested. I don’t think she could have scared them off more easily if she’d tried. She’s now well into her 40s and still single (hasn’t even had a real relationship to the best of my knowledge unless you count the guy who also “really believed in marriage and family” so much that he already had one …).
Post # 5
Member
3564 posts
Sugar bee
Just ask, “What do you see in your future?” or “So, where do you see yourself in 5 years?” and judge from there. Good Luck!!
Post # 6
Member
352 posts
Helper bee
I met my Fiance on Match! My best advice is to pay attention to their profile and what they say. If they are constantly talking about things that aren’t marriage/kids compatible I would move on. Guys in our age bracket (30+) should have an inkling by now as far as wanting marriage and kids. If you meet someone who is undecided I wouldn’t waste my time.
Post # 7
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
hi! First of all, let me just say I am really proud of you for waiting since the summer time until you’re comfortable to start dating again. I am so sorry your relationship ended like that- it must have torn you apart. For me, I am more introverted, and it sounds like you will be the same way (at least as you dip your toes back into the dating pool). The only way I have successfully had boyfriends, ie, people I could laugh until I cry with and be 100% myself around, was by being friends first.
I know you are feeling rushed by the biological clock, but imagine if you settled with the wrong guy and had kids. Later down the line, your pain will be amplified, plus children will be involved.
The most important thing here is that you recognized that your ex was not the right guy a year into it. Good work!!! Trust your gut with your new dates. Give each of them time and maybe 3 “dates” so that you can know them a little better. Try to be friendly first, instead of jumping into or forcing romance. Just hang out with them! Patience is the key to happiness. Don’t try to change yourself for someone else, and don’t try to change others– it will never work.
Good luck BEE!! Keep us updated 🙂
Post # 8
Member
5897 posts
Bee Keeper
pam2121: I think yuou need to get to know him.
I feel where you are coming from, but I think if you go out there and start dating with an “I’m only doing this to get married” attitude you aren’t in the right mindframe to get what you want. As an alternative, I’d go out there with an “I’m looking for a healthy, fun, intimate relationship” attitude.
When you do find that relationship, it will allow you to get to know the guy and get to know if he’s realistically 1) marriage material at all, 2) marriage material for you.
Post # 9
Member
969 posts
Busy bee
Ask him.
I’m not sure why this isn’t just something women do. If he overreacts and assumes something negative about you that’s not true, then he’s the idiot and you shouldn’t want to bother with him anyway.
The only way you can learn about someone’s goals and aspirations are to get to know them. One way to get to know someone is by talking to them, asking questions, listening, etc. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with this.
Besides, guys hate it when girls play games or beat around the bush. Guys are fairly straight forward creatures. Want to know something? Ask. No need for games. Most guys will respect the honesty and straight forwardness vs the trivial immaturity some women rely on.
When I first started dating my husband, I told him where I saw my life going and we talked about it. He listened, he responded, I listened, I responded. We got to know each other by my opening up to him. It wasn’t hard and it didn’t scare him off, either. In fact, I’m pretty sure my openness was one of the things that really attracted him to me.
Post # 10
Member
956 posts
Busy bee
My husband and I met on match, and I know for sure we talked within the first few dates about what we were looking for. Even though it seems nervewracking to risk saying something about marriage and freaking him out, if that’s what you are truly looking toward when you start a relationship then he likely isn’t the one for you if he panics and runs away. I also think it’s way, way different to ask, “Do you want to marry me within 3 years?” versus, “Are you looking for a serious relationship and do you see yourself being married within the next couple years?”
Post # 11
Hostess
3768 posts
Honey bee
Ask him? It doesn’t seem that crazy to me to ask someone right away what kind of relationship they are looking for. I know women are still expected on some level to be demure and let the man lead the direction of the relationship (or maybe that’s only here in Utah, lol) but I see no reason to not be direct (in a sane fashion) about what you are looking for.
Post # 12
Hostess
3768 posts
Honey bee
Also wanted to add that I met my SO w online dating (after 3 months of actively using it) and I was honest with all of them regarding what I was looking for. I literally said “I want someone to build a life with. I want a partner. I want to be a team.” And I found just that.
Post # 13
Member
668 posts
Busy bee
I have had a friend who met her husband on match and on the other hand i have had other friends who have gotten played over and over. dating sites attract cheaters like no other. one friend has met 3 guys who ended up having SO’s or a wife. so just be smart.
My mantra when dating was “if he is interested he will show it”. This goes for everything from dating to texting. My Fiance was always the one to first broach the marrige subject. When we met I was 21 and he 26. I was still in the college mind set that guys arent seriously thinking about that yet so it wasnt in the front of my mind either. But going back to my mantra it started off with him saying things like “I wouldnt be dating you if I didnt see us together for a really long time” he said those things 2-3 months into dating and then 6 months into dating I remeber the first time he brough up marrige.. I was reading a cosmo about girls who popped the question and he made me promise to never do that because thats something he wants to do for me. So i guess my piece of advice is if they are marrige minded it will be brought up on its own. it wont be in the first 3 dates, because lets be honest if you were on a date a guy who started asking about marrige and kids it would be a little odd.
Post # 14
Member
5161 posts
Bee Keeper
Ask him. Don’t ask him if he wants to marry YOU on the first date or whatever, and of course he can’t tell you if he wants to marry YOU either, but ask him what his views on marriage are, whether he sees himself getting married, wants to get married. This can happen within the first few dates for sure.
If this scares someone off trust me you do not want to date that person anyway. The men you are probably dating around now (late 20s through 30s) ought to be emotionally mature and aware enough to be able to convey their feelings and talk about these things without being all “OMG CRAZY WEDDING OBSESSED CHICK”. Again, if they can’t, you do not want to date them. Consider it a blessing if you get that warning early. I think you can also tell by the conversation if he is just saying yes to placate you or not, because if he really wants marriage in his future he will be able to talk about WHY he does and expand on it with more than a “sure I do”.
My husband and I met on eHarmony. We talked about our views on long term relationships, marriage, and so on within the first date (it was a long date!). We’ve been married for six years, so I guess it worked out pretty well.
Start a policy of being open and honest with potential partners from the start. Ask questions. Answer questions. It can feel scary at first, as you are being vulnerable and might be a bit afraid of the reaction but it will save you an awful lot of hurt in the long run AND can lead to some more fulfilling relationships (whether they end in marriage or not).
Post # 15
Member
246 posts
Helper bee
When online dating I just used to ask guys upfront if they saw marriage in their future and that was what I was looking for – I don’t think I recall anyone ever freaking out over that..
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