(Closed) How to figure out if a guy will want to get married?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
3434 posts
Sugar bee

You definitely have to ask if they are open to marrige.  But don’t discuss it as a “marriage to me” situation.  Guys may freak out when they are “looking for fun” but you say the “m” word.  Which is fine, because then you won’t waste any time with them.

Post # 18
Member
3107 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman

I met my fiance online, I first of all filtered out people just looking for casual stuff, he was looking for a relationship and within the first couple of months I asked him if he wanted children eventually etc, after almost a year I asked him if he saw a future for us in terms of marriage. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with asking people what they see in their future, I didn’t ask early on because I wasn’t in that mindset at the time myself. For what it’s worth I met Fiance at 30 as well and we are getting married this year, I’ll be 33 and are TTC right away, so don’t worry about age!

Post # 20
Member
11 posts
Newbee

View original reply
pam2121:  Hi there! You’ve already got plenty of great advice, and I will just add a suggestion to go at it little by little over the course of the first 10-12 dates or so, from casual statements and questions to deeper conversations, so that you are true to yourself and your purpose while not being perceived as too forceful and risking being misunderstood as trying to pressure the guy into “marrying you”. In addition, peppering your dates with questions relative to long-term intentions will help convey your vision as well.

It’s totally fine to date with the purpose of finding your husband, and the guy who gets “scared” is not going to be the right one for you. Yet there is something to be said about using the adequate timing, tone, words, and body language to address/discuss these sensitive topics. No one likes to feel pressured or feel that they’re just a means to an end.

Post # 21
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

One way to know if someone is serious is postpone sex. Wait 1-2 months before sleeping together. If they just want a quick lay, they will move on. And don’t have sex until you are exclusive. And before becoming exclusive you can have the “do you ever see yourself married?” and “If you do, when?” Make it clear that you aren’t asking if he wants to marry you. 

Post # 22
Member
3572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Try asking where he sees himself in five years. It’s a good date question to get to know someone. And if he doesn’t mention marriage or kids, tell him where you see yourself in 5 years and see how he responds.

Post # 23
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: Breckenridge, CO

my ex did the same shit!  It was so nice to meet a guy (my fiancé) who didn’t flinch and who WANTED a future with me

 

I don’t know if I agree with the PP who say “ask him”

My fiancé (he was my first match.com date BTW) told me he had gone out with another woman before me who was nice and pretty and sweet, but after 4 dates she sat him down and said something like “look I’m looking to get married and I don’t want to waste my time”

My fiancé called it off because at that point he couldn’t promise her that

When I started dating him I just kept it light.  He asked me after a couple of dates if I wanted something serious

So I think it has to be the man’s idea.  Your job is to cut bait if he doesn’t ask you in a reasonable time frame (6-8 weeks to be his girlfriend, a serious future after 6 months) 

 

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Marry-Some-Women-Others/dp/0446614289/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1452566382&sr=8-2&keywords=women+men+marry

 

ETA: I agree with the advise about postpoining sex.  Not until he’s your boyfriend.  Wait 6 weeks

 

 

  • This reply was modified 5 years ago by  giovanni19.
Post # 24
Member
3434 posts
Sugar bee

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giovanni19:  Great advice!  I was one who said “ask him.”  But, like, during  a conversation that makes sense and where he takes the lead.  Not in a “sit down I need to tell you what I want” kind of way.

For me it was easy  – he said told me he had been previously married during the 3rd or 4th date so I felt it was the right time to ask if he was open to being married every again.  He said yes, and I absolutely did not infer that it meant he was open to be married to me.  Even though he later did!

Post # 25
Member
586 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

View original reply
pam2121:  I agree with others that have said to ask – also pay attention to the way that the person answers and trust your gut on the sincerity of their answers. If they seem genuine about their answer, then it’s probably a good sign. 

I met my fiance on OK Cupid, one of the things I liked was that they had hundreds of multiple choice questions you could answer that they then gave you a percentage match on. You could also browse the questions and their answers. There were straight-forward ones about marriage, but also ones that asked in a round about way – like ones that touched on what they were looking for right now (so if they said “yes” to marriage, but they’re only looking for something “casual” right now, that was a red flag to me).

I would respectfully disagree with the poster who said you should withhold sex – I don’t think that sex is a weapon at any stage of a relationship and I also don’t think someone who waits 1-2 months for sex is automatically a serious option. If you are feeling it with this person and you withhold sex on purpose to see if they’re serious, you are playing a game and I don’t think that’s a good place to start. Instead, I would say that you should be intentional with when you feel right about it – if you are 3-4 dates in and you feel comfortable and in your gut that the person is the real deal, then go for it! If you don’t, then don’t have sex with them – do it because you want to and because it feels right…but I would really say it’s a bad idea to withhold it intentionally. If I had been dating a guy who did this (if I knew that’s what they were doing, or suspected it) I would have dumped them because I would have viewed it as very immature, but that’s just me. *As an aside, I did have a personal rule of exclusivity and I always had a talk about STDs and testing beforehand – I found if someone wasn’t mature enough to have these conversations then it probably didn’t bode well for the future of the relationship anyway (but this is just me and getting into another topic entirely, haha). 

Post # 26
Member
5148 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

View original reply
giovanni19:  Eh, again, I would not want to be with a man who was scared about talking in such generalities. No one here is suggesting asking a guy in the first day “can you imagine being married to me?”, they are suggesting asking about his views on marriage and openness to marriage in his future (with a someone). It can still be light. It does not have to be the same as saying “confirm that you can see marrying me, right now!”. 

View original reply
penguinwapi:  I agree with you on the artificial timeline respecting sex. Again, I agree with things like exclusivity (assuming you are looking for that) and the sexual health talks, but I don’t understand personally setting an arbitrary date on things (I am not including people who wait for religious reasons in this) just for the sake of it. Plenty of men will willingly wait it out, and still not want marriage or serious commitment. And if a man is interested in you and isn’t a complete dolt? Engaging in some mutually wanted and consenting sex is not going to send him packing. 

Post # 27
Member
3534 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

I’ve always asked the guy after a date or two. I’m not sure how that would scare them off?  You are asking about their goals and plans for their life. 

Post # 28
Member
11534 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

My DH and I met on eHarmony, and both of us were only interested in pursuing a relationship to see if it had the potential to lead to marriage.

Neither of us wanted to waste our time or anyone else’s time on something that would be just a dating relationship. In fact, because we lived in different states and were several hours apart, and because my DH could not relocate, I had to be willing up front to say that I would be willing to relocate if we decided to pursue a relationship.

Finally, neither of us believes in sex outside of marriage, so we knew that anyone who wanted to pursue a relationship with either of us was serious. We had very direct conversations about all of these things, and we didn’t find them to be awkward.

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