How to find a proper relationship at 35?

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1514 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

I’m not quite as old as you are, but I’m 31 and met my SO when I was 30.  Lemme just say this first: it is SO. FUCKING. HARD.  Excuse the language, but I totally sympathize with you on this.  There are so many people and yet SO MANY of them have no idea who they are, what they want, etc.  I found my guy as a hail mary on a very demographic-specific dating site (not Farmers Only, don’t worry lol), and told myself this was the last time I was going to try before I just gave up and settled into a single life forever.

I don’t have any advice for you other than this: it sounds stupid, but make sure you’re looking at likeminded people.  What I mean by that is, make sure you’re spending time with people who are seriously looking for marriage, have long term relationships in mind, and who share the beliefs you hold most highly.  Start from the foundation up.  Don’t waste time “getting to know people” before timidly asking what their future plans are or if they’re religious, or whatever.  Ask them outright, and let them know what you’re looking for.  There’s nothing wrong with that.  If you’re religious, then perhaps that means looking for someone at church.  If you have a political belief that’s very important to you, start looking at people who you know align with that.  Find someone who shares those core beliefs, and then you might find the little silly differences don’t matter (like whether or not he likes spicy food, etc.).  Don’t bother wading around in the masses aimlessly, it’s worthless as I’m sure you already know.  Time to get a little more targeted in your approach.

I so hope you find someone great, and I’m sorry you’re feeling so down about it.  But I fully understand how troubling and depressing it is, 100%.  Don’t give up!

Post # 5
Member
1514 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

ilikeautumn :  I’m gonna be dead honest with you: positive thinking is a helpful psychologically, but thinking that it has ANY kind of external power to influence the rest of the world is bullshit.  There is no metaphysical law of attraction that will help you find a guy.

Also, don’t bother with the paid sites if you don’t want to.  Many of them are free or pretty cheap.  Don’t bother with the ones that cost hundreds a year – I met my SO for free, lol.

Post # 6
Member
10853 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

ilikeautumn :  

I am exhausted just reading your post.  It reminds me of birthdays as a little kid when you want something really, really, really bad.  You scrunch up your face and wish as hard as you can.  

Take a break.  Declare a moratorium on dating, looking, reading relationship books, relationship counseling, anything at all to do with relationships.  Six months, minimum.

The truth is, everything you’re doing, and it’s an extraordinary amount of work, is not working.  Do something different.  You’re much too attached to a particular outcome.

You’re an attractive, competent, intelligent woman.  If men are not approaching, it’s because they’re picking up some kind of signal.

It’s time to shut down the entire enterprise temporarily.  Regroup.  Do some journaling.  One thing you absolutely must do to have a happy, healthy relationship long term is to find a way to make peace with the possibility of being single forever.  Until you truly understand and are content with idea of being alone and happy, relationships will be off balance.

When you have conquered your demons, and know that you can thrive and love your life with or without a partner, you become very appealing to the healthiest guys.  A good man wants to know that you’re with him because you love him, not because you need to be in a relationship.  And he needs to know that you can stand on your own two feet, if necessary.

Try it.

Post # 7
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

I was 44 when I found my true life partner. I totally understand how hard it is. I did the dating sites, went to bars, was set up on a few dates by friends, and none of that worked for me. I met my husband at work but I work for government so it’s a pretty large “company” with lots of different people. I met a few really great guys on a few dating sites and we are great friends, just didn’t click romantically. Have you tried initiating contact first on the dating sites? I noticed alot of men would view my profile but hardly any would initiate contact. The ones that did, I wouldn’t bother. Sending me a message that starts with Hey Beautiful didn’t and doesn’t work for me. The few dates I did go on, I initiated contact. I understand how frustrating it is. I understand how hard it is. I’m so sorry you are going through this. 

Post # 9
Member
1514 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

ilikeautumn :  I totally agree that putting it on hold sounds terrible and unbearable – I agree with that and I totally remember how that feels.  But I do think sassy411 :  has a point.  I don’t think you need to stop looking, BUT you probably are definitely putting off a vibe that men are picking up.  If you’re going to throw money into finding the right person, I would recommend throwing it into counseling.  I started going to counseling and after making some changes I really found myself so much more at peace with things.  And then bam, my SO showed up.  There really is something to fixing yourself first, and that way you’ll be ready to be receptive in all the right ways when someone great comes along.

Post # 11
Member
1596 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Question: 

What are your hobbies? 

Sailing? Working out? Volunteering at a soup kitchen? Gardening? Do you read? 

You mentioned a bunch of things to get you to ‘the end game’. 

I think the tenacity at which your gaze is focused is detracting you away from meeting the right guy. I think you need to do what you LOVE doing and your passion will inspire that in others and will attract a mate. 

Here are some ideas:

Hiking

Going to the beach

Traveling!

Tinder (I met my fiance on there- don’t laugh!)

Going to conventions: comic con, science conventions, fitness conventions!

Cooking classes. 

A class! Yes, go back to school! Learn a second language. 

SO, I would figure out what your hobbies are and then start hammering away at it. 

You would be amazed how many cute single men I find out hiking or walking their dogs. 

Do you have a pet/dog? 

What about meetup.com! It’s free to join and there are lots of activities you can attend there. 

Good luck, I hope this helps!

 

Post # 12
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee

Second the suggestion of doing something related to your hobbies (other than yoga haha).  I tried a ton of dating sites and found most guys were not interested in long term relationships.  I met my SO at a running meetup group.  We are both introverts so it worked for us because we had a chance to see each other once a week and get to know each other a bit before anyone had to “make a move.”  Other than that, be patient.  I have been single for way longer than a year at a time.  Someone will show up eventually. 

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