- 1 year ago
I am sorry if this is gonna sound terribly obvious to some but I am very much in need of some advice. It’s simple – how do I find a proper relationship with a quality guy? I know, I know, if someone had a recipe for that, they would be millionaires now but I am starting to feel that I am missing something obvious.
I am 35 and have been single for over a year. Prior to that I had a relationship with someone for a couple of years (didn’t live with him) and before that a long term relationship that lasted pretty much during most of my 20s. (I didn’t live with that guy either). I learned an awful lot in those relationships and am very glad I am not with my exes anymore. After the last relationship ended (about 18 months ago), I had some relationship counselling which helped me a lot. Now I am well and truly ready to start dating, not only that, but to have a proper relationship.
The thing is that I know good guys are out there. I walk past a lot of guys (who seem reasonable enough) every day – I live in a city, in Europe – so there are a lot of people around but a lot of (good guys) are either taken or there’s something ‘wrong’ with them (they’re recovering from a recent break up and are therefore not available, or they have their eye on someone who doesnt’ want them, so they’re emotionally not available either or they’re just not relationship material). But how did those couples that I see everywhere around me meet? Where? Sure, at work, through friends, online etc.
The thing is that at my age (35) most of my friends are married so nobody really knows any ‘eligible bachelors.
I also tried taking up new hobbies (and ended up going to yoga classes – full of women :-D), because I am an introvert so big, crowded places don’t do it for me. I was told by friends to ‘try harder’ and go to places where people gather (parties, concerts and the like) but I just don’t feel comfortable there. When I went it wasn’t a success. Should I really force myself into something that I am not comfortable just on the promise that I MAY meet someone there? Because I haven’t so far.
Online dating – tried that as well. I had a few dates but I don’t like the hugely competitive environment there and for most of the guys I knew why they were single (there were often those types that no sain woman would want to date anyway). The very few good, quality guys who appeared there would not hang about as they were quickly ‘snatched’ by someone within weeks of signing up. Plus, today’s dating sites are done in such a way that you can see who views your profile. I found it rather damaging to my self-esteem when I logged on, found out that, say, 15-20 guys looked at my profile but none of them tried to contact me. When 20 guys ignore me on the street, I don’t take it personally, because I think to myself that perhaps they were engaged/married/gay whatever, but when 20 guys look at my dating profile and decide not to contact me, then what am I supposed to think other than that they didn’t find me interesting/appealing enough to them? Not good for one’s self esteem in the long run. So eventually after a while I gave up the whole online thing even though I know online dating has worked for many.
Speed dating – It’s not very well known in the place where I live but I did find one organiser who does that and went to a couple of speed dating sessions. The results were similar to online dating. Quality guys don’t seem to go there.
Work – I met my exes at work (it was a corporate environment), but my current workplace is rather small (40 people in the whole company including the cleaning staff) plus most of my colleagues are females.
Family – there was one eligible bachelor in my extended family (I mean, VERY DISTANT relative), I had my eye on him last year and was hoping that my cousin can set us up etc….well, I clearly wasn’t fast enough as he’s got a new girlfriend now.
Feng shui- YES! I even tried that. When everything else failed I turned to feng shui. I re-arranged my entire house so that it was in line with feng shui principles. Those of you who know what it’s about, would know – I made numerous changes, some were not exactly cheap (I made changes to the relationship corner of my house, cleared out half of my closet for ‘his’ clothes, bought two matching night stands leaving one empty for ‘him’, even made space in the refridgerator for ‘his’ food, made space in my already tiny bathroom for ‘his’ stuff, put spare hangers in ‘his’ side of the closet, I even have the dining table permanently set for two people. I’ve chucked away everything that even remotely reminded me of my exes and instead have bought ‘love decor items’ like hanging hearts etc. That was like 8 months ago. Feng shui says that the results should come quickly. Well, 8 months on and nothing.
Law of attraction – Yes, I did that too, in conjunction with the feng shui stuff. I even ‘hired’ a law of attraction consultant’ (yes, that is a job apparently). I started with googling ‘How to attract your soul mate using the law of attraction’ and similar. And I followed the advice. Nothing. So I then upped the game by hiring the LOA consultant. She said to me that I have put the idea of a relationship on a pedestal and that because of that I am not attracting anyone into my life. Apparently according to the laws of universe I am attracted to it (it being a relationship), but ‘it’ is not attracted to me. Apparently I needed to relax a bit and let things happen organically. It was hard for me because when you want something it’s difficult to act like you don’t care that much but I did try my best. I tried to live ‘as if’ pretending I am in my dream relationship. I did visualisations etc. I started following all related groups on FB and watched related videos on YouTube. I even whipped out a whole host of affirmations that I was repeating whenever and wherever I could. It started around the same time like the feng shui thing – about 8 months ago. The result? Nothing.
So, I seem to have tried it all. It’s cost me a lot of time and money. It’s costing me my sanity too, because I don’t know anyone who would go into such extreme lengths to find a mate (I mean I tried feng shui, how much more desperate can things get)…
I should add that there’s nothing wrong with me as far as I am aware. I am slim and attractive enough, I don’t do drugs, I don’t live in street, I am not a criminal etc. nothing pathological about me so why do other people seem to be in (often happy) relationships? I put it down to mere luck that I don’t have. Others must have been lucky to have met their other half (even though objectively a lot of people that I know are objectively less attractive/intelligent/whatever than me).
What could I be doing wrong? I know I am an introvert, but I try to be outgoing enough in social situations. So much so that a lot of my colleagues would say that I am not an introvert at all. I can carry on going to various social events but I find it really hard as time goes by. Every party/gathering/whatever that I go to feels like a complete waste of time because I don’t feel comfortable there, I force myself to be outgoing and am not being myself and nothing has materialised from that so far. What’s the point of attending those? Just because I MAY meet someone? So far I haven’t, so why bother?
Today has been particularly hard. I work in HR and oversee peoples’ vacation time etc and it’s been hitting me pretty hard in summer because colleagues go on vacations with their boyfriends/husbands etc and I feel awfully left out (I wanted to go on vacation with my parents this year – how desperate is that? – but my mother pretty much told me that it would be better if I didn’t join them as they were hoping for a romantic time away alone….hmm, Okay).
I just don’t know what else to do. It’s hard to embrace the fact that I may have to be single for the rest of my life (or settle for someone I don’t like out of fear of being alone). I had a meltdown like 6 months ago when I thought I couldn’t handle being alone and I started to feel suicidal (Not like me at all), after missing a day at work and spending the whole day in my PJs in a darkened house, I somehow managed to pull myself up but it wasn’t easy (as far as I am aware I don’t suffer from depression or anything, it was just getting to me).
I know good guys are out there somewhere. I would be happy to relocate too if need be, but I don’t want to relocate on a ‘promise’ that in a different place it may be different. Because I’ve been in my current place for less than a year. So I don’t really feel like relocating soon again, but I guess I’d do that if need be.
Any thoughts anyone? I guess nobody will tell me anything I don’t already know – I know, I know, I should hang in there, I should put myself out there, I should not lose hope. I should be happy for myself and blah blah blah, I’ve tried it all. I am losing energy to carry on doing what hasn’t worked before.
Any advice/thoughts would be much appreciated. Thank you.